Friday, April 23, 2010

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday !

A Missouri man who won a $258 million Powerball jackpot and plans to use some of the money to pay bills, replace his two missing front teeth and take his children to Disney World said he hasn't decided whether he'll quit his job at the convenience store where he bought the winning ticket.

Right! If I won $258 million dollars, the last thing on my mind would be whether or not I would continue to work. There have been some days that if I would have won $258 dollars, I wouldn't have gone to work. I don't worry too much about winning the lottery though because if my ship were to come in, I'd probably be at the airport.

I play the lottery sometimes and I've won some cash a few times but nothing to write home about. Over the years, I've learned to never gamble with the rent money and to quit while your ahead. I enjoy gambling and I've won some decent money on the crap tables in Las Vegas, but I play for fun and I'm well aware that the chances of winning big are very small.

Still, I buy a few lottery tickets occasionally and the day I purchase the tickets, I feel like a winner until the morning after the drawing. What the hell, what's the worst thing that could happen? I win $258 million? Hey, it could happen. Someone has to win.

The News As I See It: The Icelandic volcano continues to spew ash and the black cloud is still pretty big, but not as big as the black cloud over Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment however when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The U.S. government said that Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. I'm guessing that will be Goldman Sachs.

Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. When Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.

A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.

Yesterday was the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt and you begin to look like Uranus. A lot of people recycled plastic yesterday, except in Beverly Hills, where recycling plastic means remarrying your ex-wife.

This Date In History: 1616; Playwright William Shakespeare died in Stratford-on-Avon, England. 1954; Hank Aaron hit the first of his 755 home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death (later reduced to a life sentence) for the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.

1985; Coca-Cola announced that it was changing its formula and introduced New Coke. 1998 ;James Earl Ray, convicted of assassinating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., died. 2004; The U.S. resumed diplomatic relations with Libya.

Picture Of The Day: Photographs from Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull (pronounced E-I-E-O) volcano which really cannot be appreciated unless seen larger. But, fear not, my little munchkins, I have a link that you can click to see these pictures and more at full screen size.

What? You think I'm going to put the link here? Wrong, volcano breath! Finish reading today's post and you'll find the link at the bottom of the page.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 2) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 3) "Uh, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 91..2." 4) A man with both feet firmly on the ground can't get his pants off! 5) An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older man and woman meet at the early bird special at a local restaurant. They immediately hit it off and seemed to share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the old man asks for the hand of the old woman in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be asking, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answered, "It's OK. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life." The old woman asks, "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks the old man, "And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment and asks, "Is that one word or two?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories and pictures.

Two hunters in Louisiana are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand. When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath, "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."

A man rear-ended a car one morning and slowly the other driver got out of his car. The man was so stressed that it took him a moment to realize the driver he had just rear-ended was a dwarf. The dwarf stormed over the man, looked up and shouted, "I am not happy!" The man looked down at him and said, 'Well, then, which one are you?"

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Miami made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming, "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, ma'am."

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Freebies: Get a coupon for a free whopper at Burger King when you sign up for Heartland Food Company's VIP customer club. No purchase is necessary. The coupon has your name on it and says a cashier will ask you for ID when you redeem it. To get the coupon Click Here

To see the volcano pictures, Click This Link

That's it for today my little sweet potatoes. Remember, neither facts nor farts cease to exist because they are ignored. That said, I'm going to skip my three bean salad and head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Ally Lifewithally said...

"Infrequently" I'm still laughing at this one ~ thanks Jimmy ~ Ally x

natalie said...

Dear Jimmy,
Woah this journal is quite a whopper!
Jimmy nice photos!
I thought the jokes were cute!
Glad you are out there; playing with lottery tickets! :):)
please come by and visit me and leave some good comments :):)
hugs, natalie

Paula said...

My thoughts on gambling exactly. Its fun but don't forget to pay the rent first. A guy from John's little hometown won quite a bit a few years ago. He spent it all, got into debt, and committed sucide.

Heli gunner Tom said...

I didn't know that you liked Country music.

Tom S

Linda's World said...

Love the volcano pictures. Of course I live in volcano land & have seen the devestation that they can do but I do enjoy seeing the pics. I'm not a gambler either...of course if I could be assured of a big win, I'd change my mind. Hugs to PSH!

jack69 said...

Me 'n Ally are stuck on 'infrequently'. LOL

Great entry, and I laughed outloud, glad I wasn't chewing something, or the monitor would have gotten it. The hunter say, "OK, Now what?"

Senorita said...

This post really made me laugh !

The right guy won the lotto, he needs his teeth replaced !

I don't know why on earth he would continue to work after winning the lotto.