Monday, April 26, 2010

If The Week Was A Tuxedo, Monday Would Be A Pair Of Brown Shoes

The market went to hell in a handbasket and guess what the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) did about it? Nothing! They were too busy downloading pornograghy. Dozens of Securities and Exchange Commission staffers used government computers to access and download explicit images and many of the incidents have occurred since the global financial meltdown began.

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), ranking Republican on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, said it was “nothing short of disturbing that high-ranking officials within the SEC were spending more time looking at pornography than taking action to help stave off the events that brought our nation's economy to the brink of collapse."

The recent release of this information comes about the same time as SEC investigators filed a fraud case against Wall Street powerhouse Goldman Sachs. Coincidental?

The Securities and Exchange Commission charged Goldman, Sachs & Co. and one of its vice presidents for defrauding investors by misstating and omitting key facts about a financial product tied to subprime mortgages as the U.S. housing market was beginning to falter.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed Arizona's new immigration law last Friday. Brewer said the law represents another tool for the state to "work to solve a crisis we did not create and the federal government has refused to fix - the crisis caused by illegal immigration and Arizona's porous border." Personally, I hope all the states adopt the same law and forces the Obozo adminstration to face and resolve the illegal immigration issue. This means, of course, he'll lose a number of his constituents, but what's a taco between friends.

The News As I See It: According to USA Today, 71 percent of Californian households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish. General Motors has paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

Spirit Airlines announced it’s going to install non-reclining seats in their airplanes. They came up with this last month after they saw a passenger that looked comfortable.

President Obozo is probably the most popular leader in the world, which is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after Obozo. The amazing thing is that it hasn't even opened yet and it is already $12 trillion in debt.

This Date In History: 1607; Colonists land at Cape Henry, Va., They would found Jamestown the next month. 1865; John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln’s assassin, was surrounded by federal troops in a barn in Virginia. He was shot and killed, either by the soldiers or by his own hand. 1937; The German Luftwaffe (air force) destroyed the Spanish town of Guernica.

1964; Tanganyika and Zanzibar joined to form Tanzania. 1986; The worst nuclear power plant accident in history occurred at Chernobyl, near Kiev, U.S.S.R. 1994; The first multi-racial elections were held in South Africa. 2000; Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.

Picture Of The Day: It's always comforting to know that while the nation's economy is going down the porcelain receptacle (the "shitter" for the hard of understanding), some fat ass SEC member is downloading and watching pornography.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It is said that one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my dad or my mom or maybe my younger brother Kirt or my baby brother Hop-Sing, but I'm pretty sure it's Kirt. 2) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 3) Have you ever woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house? either! 4) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual." 5) Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a suitable rock.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John James Audubon, American ornithologist 1785, Eugène Delacroix, painter 1798, Frederick Law Olmsted, landscape architect 1822, Ma Rainey, blues musician 1886, I. M. Pei, architect 1917, Carol Burnett, comedienne 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Murray, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Murray replied "Fantastic! They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." Fred said, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Murray went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" Fred said, "You mean a rose?" Murray said, "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and said, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that clinic we went to?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two 70 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man said, "You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

A woman was complaining to her girlfriend, "I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her girlfriend said, "You know what? I know a Chinese doctor that can help you," So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him.

The woman tells the doctor what her problem is and the doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman asks, "What, what did you say?" The doctor repeated, "Take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes. The doctor continued, "Ok, now craw to the window." The doctor said, "Craw to the window", as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. The doctor said, "Now craw back to me" he says motioning her to come back.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is." The woman anxiously says, "Well, doctor, what is it?" The doctor says, "You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman asks, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" The doctor says, "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass."

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says, "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"

That's it for today my little fur balls. Remember, between two evils, always take the one you've never tried before. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

You are an endless source of funnies. Thanks, laughter makes us feel good.

Linda's World said...

Chuckling at the map that Obozo is drawing. Guess I'd better enroll in a Chinese language class ASAP!

jack69 said...

This is great! Oh by the way, do you have any of the job applications left for SEC???

TAke care and have a great week!
I always love Jimmy's Journal.

Senorita said...

That map really made me laugh.

So glad Arizona passed that immigration bill. I wish California would do the same but that is on the list of "never gonna F**king happen".

Nancy said...

OK so first off, is that first pic supposed to be you? lol
Second, I love the 5 printables...except for number 5 that is!
Finally, Zachary joke is one of my faves! Thanks for the reminder.

Your pal,