Friday, April 30, 2010

Breaking News - Sometimes The Same News Breaks For Three Days

Breaking News? Words you hear daily in the news. Evidently, "breaking news" can continue to be "breaking" for hours, even days. Yeah, it was breaking news about two days ago but now It should be classified as "Broken News But We Aren't Bright Enough To Find Anything Better."

The word "great" is to sports what "Breaking News" is to news organizations these days. There's a difference between "great" and "good". There are truly great or remarkable accomplishments and there are good accomplishments. One of the few times I've heard "breaking news" and "great" used correctly in the news was when Tiger Woods texted his mistress with, "Have you heard the breaking news? Great.....that's just great!"

Speaking of great, An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties. The woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The man said, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The man said, "That's great - put me down for Fridays."

The News As I See It: About 210,000 gallons of oil per day are leaking into the gulf. That’s equivalent to 10 buckets of fried chicken. The oil companies are promising to clean this whole mess up and, if you’ve ever been to a gas station restroom, you know how good they are at cleaning up. There are fears that the oil spill in the gulf will merge with a massive slick of self-tanner from the cast of "Jersey Shore" in Miami.

Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van. There are over 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Colombian singer Shakira was in Phoenix to join the fight against Arizona’s tough new immigration law. If every illegal immigrant looked like Shakira, there would be no immigration laws except the ones that would keep immigrants in the country.

This Date In History: 1803; France sold Louisiana and adjoining lands to the United States as part of the Louisiana Purchase. 1812; Louisiana became the 18th state in the United States. 1939; U.S. commercial television made its official debut at the New York World’s Fair. The signal was transmitted from the Empire State Building.

1945; Adolf Hitler and his newly married mistress Eva Braun committed suicide. 1948; The Organization of American States held its first meeting in Bogotá, Colombia. 1975; The Vietnam War ended with South Vietnam's surrender to North Vietnam.

1991; Over 131,000 were killed and as many as 9 million left homeless when a cyclone struck Bangladesh. 2003; Libya accepted responsibility for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

Picture Of The Day: I'd liked the featured picture the moment I saw it. I don't know if it's because I started fishing very early in life or just the depth of the picture, but I like it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 2) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 3) Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 4) Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. 5) Be an optimist--at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Saint John Baptist de la Salle, educator 1651, John Crowe Ransom, poet and critic 1888 Eve Arden, actress 1912, Cloris Leachman, actress 1926, Willie Nelson, country singer, songwriter 1933, Isiah Thomas, basketball player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: After an examination, the doctor said to the old man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man replied, "In fact, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly. Then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined the old man's wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" The old woman said, "That crazy old bastard. That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is some time in August."

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming (( anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed )): My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds and Tommy's mom wants to talk to you right now."

Little Mary asked her mother, "How did the humans come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve, then they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little Mary asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

That's it for today my little Gypsies. Remember, a friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and little recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Whew, youjust saved me a doctor bill. I get cold also the first time, then hot and sweaty the second. What a load off my mind!

I was going to check with the other couple to see if Wednesday was open!
Take care, Always enjoy a good laugh with you Jimmy!

jack69 said...


Anonymous said...

Hi Jimmy! I enjoyed this post! Loved your humor.^^

Paula said...

Well now I know why I can't merge onto expressways. Now I would like to know why I jumped a curb at the bank yesterday?

Julie said...

Remember, a friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails.

I love that Jimmy. What a sweet thing to think about.