Oh No You Can't !

The winners of yesterday's national elections were not Republicans or Democrats. The winners of yesterday's elections were the American voting public. Their statement? We will fire your asses if you do not do your job! We will fire your lying, thieving asses if you do not fulfill your election promises. The days of shucking and jiving are over!

The message was loud and clear. With the exception of flawed candidates Sharon Angle in Nevada and Christine O'Donnell in Delaware, most incumbents were defeated. Even so, the message should also be clear to the Tea Party movement that you just can't throw proverbial shit against the wall and hope it sticks. Your candidates have to be qualified to govern.

It should be readily clear to all politicians that Americans are not stupid and we will be watching. If the newly elected politicians do not do their jobs, then America will clean house again in 2011.

On a parting note, I can't tell you how pleased I am to see that America fired Nancy Pelosi. My only regrets are that Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer retained their seats. Lastly, California reinforced my opinion of it's intellect in re-electing deceased Democratic state senator Jenny Oropeza, who died last month.

The News As I See It: The final poll before Election Day showed that 55 percent of Americans planned to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent planned to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama finally got that change he was talking about.

Authorities believe those suspicious deliveries by UPS last week may have been a dry run for a terrorist plot — or a really smart move by FedEx.

Brett Favre had to be carted off the field this weekend after taking a hit that required ten stitches in his chin. And while they were at it, just to be on the safe side, the doctors also stitched up the front of his pants.

This Date In History: 1839; The first Opium War between China and Britain broke out. 1903; Panama proclaimed its independence from Colombia. 1952; Clarence Birdseye marketed the first frozen peas. 1957; The Soviet Union sent the first animal, a dog named Laika, into space aboard the Sputnik II. Laika died in orbit.

1986; A Lebanese magazine broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran, leading to the Iran-Contra affair. 1992; Carol Moseley-Braun became the first black woman elected to the U.S. Senate. 2004; Hamid Karzai was declared the winner in Afghanistan's first presidential election.

Picture Of The Day: We can take a little time off now that the elections are over but remember the Lame Duck Congress needs to extend the Bush Tax Cuts this year or we'll all be paying higher taxes next year. But, for the time being, I'll take my usual position on the couch.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. 2) Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo". 3) Urologists never have to advertise. They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in. 4) Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you smile alone. 5) Did you hear about the blonde that thought an "innuendo" is an Italian suppository?.....and that's five!

Birthdays: Stephen Fuller Austin, leader of colonization in Texas 1793, William Bryant, poet, editor 1794, Andre Malraux, man of letters and political figure 1901, James Reston, journalist 1909, Charles Bronson, actor 1921, Michael Dukakis, politician 1933, Jeremy Brett, actor 1933, Dennis Miller, comedian 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man said, "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off. They share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little asking, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" He answers, "It's Ok. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

She says "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The man answers, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks him, "And how's your sex life?" The man answers, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" He replied, "I'm going too!" She asked, "Why?" He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a month!"

That's it for today my little tiddly winks. Remember, do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. It's Wednesday and I'm off to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !