Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's Christmas Time !

Well, you must have known it was coming. No, not Christmas, that's too easy. Nope, it's the infamous Photoshop gang, ready willing and able to take any sweet picture of Santa and make it funny. Don't worry though, Santa has a way of dealing with obstacles and it won't stop him from making it to your house on Christmas Eve.

As for me, the holidays are upon us and every week some group's celebrating something and that means a possible party. Talk about Christmas spirits, in the next few weeks there'll be many ho-ho-hos overheard as the office parties and nightclubs get down to the business of celebrating.

So, it's time to get down to my roaming and partying weight and see what kinds of things I can find to amuse myself. In the interim, today's Hump Day and there's a good chance I'll go exploring in AREA 51 for happy hour.

On Friday, I'll be changing my playlist to my Christmas and holiday songs. If anyone has a special request or addition to the holiday playlist, please let me know in your comments and I'll be happy to add it (assuming I can find it).

Additionally, I will debut my new video recording of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire). If anyone would like a copy of this song or any other of my recordings, please email me at and I'll be happy to send it to you. All of my songs can also be seen and downloaded on my Facebook site.

The News As I See It: A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate.

WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.

A man was arrested on Black Friday at a Walmart in Palm Beach, Fla. carrying a gun, two knives, and a grenade. Residents of Palm Beach were stunned and said, “We have a Walmart here?"

If you’re a turkey or a sweet potato, congratulations on making it through last weekend alive. It turns out that it’s not the turkey that makes you sleepy, it’s being drunk at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday.

In Other News: Starbucks is reportedly making plans to begin selling beer and wine at their coffee shops. Apparently, Starbucks is having trouble finding sober people willing to pay nine bucks for a cup of coffee. A snowball fight turned into a 500-person brawl in Germany. Out of habit, France immediately surrendered. Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here.

This Date In History: 1824; The presidential election between John Q. Adams, Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay was turned over to the House of Representatives due to the lack of an electoral-vote majority. 1887; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes appeared for the first time in print in the story "A Study in Scarlet." 1955; Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her front-section bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Ala.

1959; Twelve nations, including the United States, signed a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve free from military activity. 1997; Representatives from more than 150 countries gathered at a global warming summit in Kyoto, Japan, and over the course of ten days forged an agreement to control the emission of greenhouse gases. President Bush pulled the U.S. out of the Kyoto Protocol in 2001. 1998; Exxon and Mobil agreed to merge, creating the world's largest corporation.

Picture Of The Day: Although today's picture isn't about Christmas,. I just couldn't resist showing you this excellent photoshop caricature of The Rolling Stones.

Oh! I almost forgot! I bought a Christmas present for Jack and the boys to share. It's a candy cane and it's waiting below.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out. 2) 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 3) 9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane. 4) 9 out of 10 men said they preferred women with great tits. The remaining man said he preferred any one of the others. 9 5) 9 out of 10 men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Marie Tussaud, modeler in wax 1761, Walter Alston, baseball manager 1911, Minoru Yamasaki, architect 1912, Mary Martin, singer, actress 1913, Woody Allen, actor, writer, and director 1935, Lee Trevino, golfer 1939, Richard Pryor, comedian, actor 1940, Bette Midler, singer, actress 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is? The little boy said, "No, I don't." The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." The teacher said, "Very good, Billy." The teacher then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of elementary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Aqueduct race track to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fifth grade" He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the second race."

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, "I'll bet these are flowers!" The girl replied, "How did you know?" The teacher said, "Just a lucky guess."

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess."

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, "No." She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily,"A puppy!"

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

That's it for today my little buttercups. Remember, a bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. It's Wednesday and Happy Hour looms. I'm going to AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Yep, I see disappointment in that little girls future: Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Man I am in trouble, Sherry says I can't bite nor lick the candy cane. I can only touch it to return it. I will be walking South, should take about a week!

Thanks for the laughs!!!

Joann said...

Love that first pic!! Thanks for the laughs, but an accountant would NEVER use 20 paper towels, they won't even turn on the light for wasting electricity!! LOL!!

When adding your Christmas music to your playlist, let me know if you find Gloria Estefan's Arbolito De Navidad... I've been looking for that one for MY playlist.... no luck!

Julie said...

I love all the Photoshop photos, some really clever people out there. I know you will be sending me your song, you promised. Have fun at the parties and be careful.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Sounds like you will be spending lots of time partying ~ enjoy ~ I know you will ~ and I love your recording ~ as I do all of them ~ Ally x