Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day 2010 - Gone But Not Forgotten !

A big "Thank You" to the men and women of America's Armed Forces, past and present, for this wonderful weekend and the freedom to enjoy it. When my father was alive, he and my mother always made this very special day memorable because they always attended Memorial Day services. Dad served during World War II and on this special day, I thought I show you a picture that was taken of him by the Miami Herald.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty ~ John F. Kennedy

Dennis Hopper, the man whose memorable and erratic career included an early turn in "Rebel Without a Cause," an improbable smash with "Easy Rider" and a classic character role in "Blue Velvet," has died. Hopper, 74, died Saturday at his home in the Los Angeles beach community of Venice, surrounded by family and friends.

The News As I See It: A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obozo is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans. At a press conference, Obozo said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world — that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a top hat.

The BP officials say that the "top kill" plan is working. The bad news is the BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.

A new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born — especially if they’re John Edwards.

Sarah Ferguson told "Inside Edition" she would love to appear on "Dancing With the Stars." She said, if the price is right, Prince Andrew can come along.

This Date In History: 1790; The first U.S. Copyright Law was enacted, protecting books, maps, and other original materials. 1889; Heavy rains caused the South Fork Dam to collapse, sending 20 million tons of water into Johnstown, Pa. Over 2,200 people were killed and the town was nearly destroyed.

1911 The hull of the Titanic was launched in Belfast. At the ceremony, a White Star Line employee claimed, "Not even God himself could sink this ship." 1961; South Africa became an independent republic. 1962; Former Gestapo official Adolf Eichmann was hanged in Israel.

1970; An earthquake in Peru left more than 50,000 dead. 2004; Alberta Martin, 97, one of the last widows of a U.S. Civil War veteran, died. She had married Confederate veteran William Martin in 1927 when she was 21 and he was 81.

Picture Of The Day: Memorial Day thoughts and best wishes to the American Armed Forces.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, always let the dog in first. He'll shut up once you let him in. 2) Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 3) Sometimes I go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. 4) I was thinking about how people seem to be reading the Bible more as they get older. Then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their finals. 5) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Walt Whitman, poet 1819, Norman Vincent Peale, clergyman 1898, Rainier III, prince of Monaco 1923, Clint Eastwood, actor, director, producer 1930, Joe Namath, American Football Player 1943, Brooke Shields, actress, model 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mama mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three women, Shalika, Sha' Nay Nay and Sasquatcha, were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that a huge male silverback gorilla kept staring at them. This fascinated the girls so much they couldn't take their eyes off of him. Sasquatcha was so enraptured that she leaned over the wall to take a picture. She slipped and fell into the enclosure.

The gorilla grabbed her, dragged her into a cave and screwed her for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw her back out of the cave. An ambulance was called and Sasquatcha was taken away to the hospital.

The next day, Shalika and Sha' Nay Nay visited her in the hospital and Shalika asked, "Are you hurt?" Sasquatcha cried, "Am I hurt? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?" The gorilla remover says, "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. The homeowner says, "What's the shotgun for?" The gorilla remover replies, "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. The woman asks, "What happened?" The Aussie replies, "I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Author's Note: Due to some recurring spam, comments will be published subject to my approval. Please continue to feel free to make any comments and they will be published as soon as I am notified.

That's it for today my little gumdrops. Remember, married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, May 28, 2010

Happy Memorial Day Weekend - Remember Our Soldiers Past And Present

Happy Memorial Day weekend to all of you and especially to our men and women in the armed forces, past and present, who have served and protected the security and safety of the United Sates of America.

I appreciate my father more and more lately, not only for the fact that he served his country in World War II and the small fact that he and my mother managed to raise three children past the age of 21 with no apparent shortcomings, but for deeper reasons as well.

I recall the fact that he didn't seem very smart when I was young but he acquired a lot more knowledge by the time I was an adult. He seemed un-coordinated and moreover, he talked to himself. I was twelve when I discovered he talked to himself and I told mom! After my mother wiped the tears of laughter off her face, she remarked that I might understand when I got a little older.

Well, I got a little older and I realize that I've become my father. I talk to my cat, Shithead (Possum S. you know what the "S" stands for). I talk to the television set. I not only talk to myself, but I also answer back. I cannot carry a cup of coffee from point A to point B without spilling it. Don't even ask about bathroom marksmanship! If I need to pass gas, I think about it very carefully before attempting to do so.

I go from my computer to the kitchen for a specific reason. Upon arrival, I have no idea why I'm in the kitchen. When I remember the reason, I'm sidetracked by another flash idea that has entered my head. I act upon the flash idea, resolve two more issues and then return to the computer. At this point in time I realize I did not my resolve my original mission in the kitchen. It is probably how I get the bulk of my exercise as I wander about the house. Yeah, I appreciate my Dad a lot more now that I've become him. Thank God some things still work!

Auto racing is on tap this weekend with a full compliment of events. Headlining the Memorial Day weekend is the Indianapolis 500 and the Nascar Charlotte 600.

The News As I See It: President Obozo is becoming frustrated about the oil spill and he reportedly said, "Plug the damn hole." That’s the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking. At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of Obozo as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'"

A Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.

Tiger Woods is building a new house in Florida. You can tell it’s Tiger’s house because it has a front, a back, and a side that nobody knows about.

As A Public Service: I hate it when people send bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If a young woman comes to your front door saying she is checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! It is a scam! She only wants to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used.....

This Date In History: 1863; Robert Gould Shaw, leading the first northern all-black regiment, leaves Boston for the Civil War. 1929; The first all-color, full-length talking picture, On With the Show!, debuted. 1934; The Dionne quintuplets were born in Ontario, Canada. 1957; Baseball owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to move to Los Angeles and San Francisco, respectively. Many New Yorkers still haven’t recovered.

1987; Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old pilot from West Germany, landed his private plane in Moscow’s Red Square. He was arrested and sentenced to four years in a labor camp, but was released after just one. 1997; Linda Finch completed Amelia Earhart's attempted around-the-world flight. 1998; Pakistan staged nuclear tests in response to India's nuclear tests two weeks earlier. 2003; Pres. Bush signed a $350 billion tax cut into law; the third largest tax cut in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are dedicated to my father and all of the veterans of war. May God bless them all!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 2) Everything is edible. It's just that some things are only edible once. 3) Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. 4) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving. 5) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My beautiful pal Maylen. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, William Pitt, statesman 1759, Thomas Moore, poet 1779, P. G. T. Beauregard, Confederate general 1818, Carl Larsson, painter and illustrator 1853, Jim Thorpe, American athlete 1888, Ian Fleming, author 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: One evening an old man, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,"Perhaps we should start washing you clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your ass." His wife was not amused and decided that she simply could not let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the old man took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. When he shook them out, prior to putting them on, a little dust cloud appeared. He called his wife into the bathroom and said, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" His wife replied, "It's not talcum powder, its Miracle Grow."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred as some of the grappling hooks holding the climbers, gave way. This left six climbers clinging precariously to the swinging rope suspended from the mountain. Five of the women were blonde and one was a brunette.

As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. If that did not happen, the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments, no one volunteered. Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All five blondes applauded.

During mealtime on a flight on a British Airways plane, the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row, "Would you like dinner?" The man asked, "What are my choices?" The flight attendant replied, "Yes or no."

An aging queen went to the emergency room complaining about rectal pain. Upon preliminary examination, the doctor said, "Mr. Jones, I can see the problem. You've got a dozen long-stemmed roses in your ass. The old queen replied, "Is there a card?"

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, " I can see, and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Freebies: Get two free samples of Kraft Sandwich Shop Mayo when you register on the Kraft site. You will get two of four samples - chipotle, garlic and onion, hot and spicy, or horseradish. To register (name, address, DOB and email address) for the free samples, click here.

Author's Note: Due to some recurring spam, comments will be published subject to my approval. Please continue to feel free to make any comments and they will be published as soon as I am notified.

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, people will believe anything if you whisper it. Friday means Happy Hour at AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

BP Oil's Gulf Of Mexico Disaster Is Many Times Worse Than The Exxon Valdez Alaskan Oil Spill !

BP Oil is attempting to plug the oil leak in the gulf of Mexico today and, quite frankly, if they fail to do so, the Gulf and the inhabitants who depend on it are going to be in a world of hurt. The nation is fed up with BP Oil and their inability to resolve the problem. Moreover, the nation is fed up with the Obozo Administration's failure to attend to this problem and come to the aid of Gulf residents who are already feeling the effects of this catastrophe.

Obama's failure to take control of the BP catastrophe has all the news media making comments about the government's failure to respond and take charge. James Carville, the famously outspoken Louisiana Democrat who was a chief political aide to Bill and Hillary Clinton, told CNN's Anderson Cooper that the administration's response to the spill has been "lackadaisical" and that Obama was "naive" to trust BP to manage the massive clean-up effort.

On another note, President Obozo reportedly is sending 1,200 National Guard troops the Mexican border to help secure the Southwest Border against Mexican drug cartels. It's funny how he thinks that 1,200 troops will stop the massive drug cartel's vast ways to smuggle drugs, but then again, he also seems to think the Arizona's border policy is funny as well.

On A Sad Note: The legendary television show host Art Linkletter died today in his Bel Air, California home at the age of 97.

The News As I See It: Today is National Tap Dancing Day. It’s the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the Gulf oil disaster. More fallout from the BP oil spill today. It turns out that Spongebob found tar balls in his squarepants.

Mexican President Felipe Calderon lashed out at Arizona over their immigration law. He said that Mexicans should boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.

At the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The children politely accepted the bears — even though they made them.

And finally, a new study has found that use of Viagra can double your chances of hearing loss. What?

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868; President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote. 1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1959; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fines—a penny per floor. 1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a hectic day so far and my pictures are an eclectic display of how this day's news has affected me. The picture of the day is the giant cactus at the Arizona border. I am in agreement with the Arizona law and the picture depicts my feelings about the matter to a tee! I also discovered a couple of nice photoshop pictures of two women. I liked them quite a bit, so I thought I'd show them to you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I never knew what happiness was until I got married and then it was too late! 2) You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. 3) I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. 4) There's too much blood in my alcohol system. 5) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling, engineer 1837, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson, actor, singer 1886, Dorothea Lange, photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis, musician 1926, Stevie Nicks, singer 1948, Sally K. Ride, American astronaut 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal. If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is baseball in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" The spirit of Abe whispers, "Yes it is." Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" Abe says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news." Sol says, "Gimme the good news first." Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the first guy said, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said, "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf Course or Intercourse?' She said, "Wear your sweater."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first! No one has ever touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, still in the crate!"

A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Author's Note: Due to some recurring spam, comments will be published subject to my approval. Please continue to feel free to make any comments and they will be published as soon as I am notified.

That's it for today my little feather dusters. Remember, a politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for. It's Hump Day and that means a field trip to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, May 24, 2010

Radio Days

I recently saw an advertisement for commercial-free music satellite radio and I couldn't help but remember my early childhood years when everyone watched the radio. Yes, I said "watched."

Before television, the radio was the popular means of getting the news, listening to music and most importantly, listening to your favorite radio show. On Saturday nights, my parents would turn on the radio around 7:00 p.m. and we would listened to the various shows. I use the term "listen" but, in fact, we literally watched the radio as the show progressed.

The radio was a piece of fine furniture and was positioned in the living room much in the same way as today's television sets are positioned. Our radio was an RCA Victor and the top lifted up to use the turntable to play records. All of our records were 78's and rarely had more than two songs on one side. Woe be unto the child who dropped a record because in those days, the record would shatter and break.

The Jack Benny Show was the number one show of the day, but there were many more memorable shows on the radio. Other great shows included: Amos 'n' Andy, Dragnet, My Little Margie, The Green Hornet, the FBI and the inimitable sounds of Inner Sanctum.

My favorite show was the Lone Ranger which thankfully came on at seven o'clock. I wasn't always able to listen to all the shows because bedtime was nine o'clock. Many a night after being tucked into bed by my mom, I would sneak out of bed, lie down next to the bedroom door and listen to the radio shows. I also woke up on the floor many times as well as I fell asleep listening to the radio.

Radio days of the past are just a memory now, but one would use one's imagination and literally visualize the shows and the characters. Although today's technology offers an abundance of innovative ideas and products, the art of imagination, alas, has fallen by the wayside for most people. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated. Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn’t that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says "Don't pee in the pool?"

Today is the 25th anniversary of AOL, a company that continues to be the slowest and least reliable search engine on the Internet. The only reason that I continue to use it is the fact that it has taken me six years to figure out how it works. Happy Anniversary AOL and keep up the bad work!

President Obozo’s big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers. They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn’t want to discuss it because they’ve never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they’re called "lobbyists."

A Jet Blue pilot was pulled from a flight at Logan Airport before takeoff after he threatened to kill himself. He was upset that his girlfriend broke up with him and he threatened to crash the plane. Luckily, the other pilots gave him a couple of drinks and were able to calm him down.

And finally A man owned a small farm in Ohio. The Ohio Dept of Fair Labor Practices claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the agent." The farmer said, "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $300 per week plus free room and board."

The farmer continued, "Then, there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to .... the half-wit." The farmer replied, "That would be me."

This Date In History: 1844; Samuel Morse transmitted the first telegraph message, in which he asked, "What hath God wrought?" 1883; The Brooklyn Bridge, linking Manhattan and Brooklyn in New York City, opened to traffic. 1899; W.T. McCullough of Boston, Mass., opened the first public garage.

1935; Major League Baseball’s first night game was played under the lights at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field as the hometown Reds defeated Philadelphia, 2–1. 1958; The United Press and the International News Service merged to form United Press International (UPI).

1976; The British and French Concordes made their first commercial flights. 2000; Israeli troops pulled out of Lebanon after 18 consecutive years of occupation. 2001; Vermont senator James Jeffords quit the Republican Party and became an Independent, giving Democrats control of the Senate.

Picture Of The Day: Radio days bring fond memories. The pictures of those days are hard to find but my favorite, and the picture of the day, would be of Nipper, the RCA dog.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Although I've never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 2) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. 3) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 4) The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My talented singer and musical pal, Alexis. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jean Paul Marat, revolutionary 1743, Queen Victoria (Alexandrina Victoria), queen of Great Britain and Ireland (1837–1901) and empress of India (1876–1901) 1819, Lillian Gilbreth, engineer 1878, Mikhail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov, novelist 1905, Bob Dylan, singer 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old ladies, Wanda and Maude, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Wanda pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Maude said, "What's that?" Wanda said, "A condom." Maude said, "Where'd you get it?" Wanda replied, "You can get them at any drug store."

The next day, Maude hobbled into the local drug store and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely, but politely asked what brand she preferred. Maude said, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits on a Camel."

An old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady. She walks sexily up to the old Guy and says, "Baby, would you like super sex?" The old man replies, "Thanks a lot, but I'll just have the soup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first. He hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.

All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.

Next up is Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface. Then, he hits his ball off of the water, onto the green and into the hole.

The old man slowly walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"

When Jesus died and went up to Heaven, the first thing he did was to look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looked like. He looked high and low but could not find him. He asked St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter said he didn't know. He asked the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel didn't know. He asked John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" But John did not know.

So he wandered Heaven, impatiently searching for years. One day, he saw out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man was very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus yelled, "Who are you?" The old man said,"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."

Jesus was very curious. Could this be his father? Jesus said, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man said, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." Jesus screams, "Father!!" The old man yelled, "Pinocchio!!"

A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Author's Note: Due to some recurring spam, comments will be published subject to my approval. Please continue to feel free to make any comments and they will be published as soon as I am notified.

That's it for today my little fire trucks. Remember, the year you stop believing in Santa Claus is the year when you start getting clothes for Christmas! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, May 21, 2010

Happy Friday! - Let's Go To Happy Hour!

Happy Friday and Happy Hour! Pull up a chair, grab your favorite beverage and let's get this party started. I've recently realized that I need to start writing notes to myself when I go to AREA 51. For example, remember you've got a bad hip, so don't dance all night with the ladies. You'd think it would dawn on me after a few times but it always seems logical at the time. So, I get up each Saturday (sometimes morning, sometimes not), and do a self examination.

The first thing I do is look around and make sure I'm at my apartment. Then, I do a quick body exam to make sure all the parts are still there and Ralph's ok. My next move, and I use the word loosely, is to head towards the bathroom to make sure I don't have any marks on my head where I usually place the lampshade and use it as a hat.

Assuming all check points are fine, I then try to recreate the evening in my feeble little mind with the hopes that I didn't do or say anything I could possibly regret or that could be used against me in a court of law. This is followed up with a quick check in my voice recorder on my cell phone as I ofttimes record messages to myself. Thankfully, I speak fluent Scotch, so I'm able to translate any messages to self. Yeah, I'm going to AREA 51 tonight and hopefully, I wont have to make any calls tomorrow to find out if I had fun tonight.

The News As I See It: At the White House state dinner, Mexican President Calderon-Freeloader said that he and President Obozo have a lot in common. They’re both presidents of beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people. Obozo reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then, the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.

The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was given to Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam war claims. Blumenthal is under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam, when he actually didn’t. The only combat experience he has is shooting himself in the foot. Blumenthal says he will not apologize for misleading people about his military record. He says that he misspoke, using the word "in," instead of "during," in reference to Vietnam. Sort of like using the word "misspoke" instead of "lied."

Larry King and his wife have called off their divorce. They both had to make concessions: His wife no longer has to say "King me," and Larry agreed to wear a "Do Not Resuscitate" sign.

This Date In History: 1542; Spanish explorer Hernando De Soto died while searching for gold on the banks of the Mississippi River. 1881; Clara Barton founded what became the American Red Cross. 1927; Charles Lindbergh became the first person to fly across the Atlantic (from New York to Paris) in his monoplane, The Spirit of St. Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean (from Newfoundland to Ireland). 1956; The first hydrogen bomb to be dropped by air exploded over the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific. 1989; In Hong Kong, approximately one million people took to the streets to show their support for students protesting for democratic reforms in China’s Tiananmen Square.

1991; Rajiv Gandhi, former Indian prime minister, was assassinated by a suicide bomber. 1998; Indonesian President Suharto resigned. 1999; Susan Lucci finally won a Daytime Emmy on her 19th nomination.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Hour is the theme for today. If you're wondering what fat Barbie has to do with Happy Hour, keep in mind that mine was hot and thin when I married her. My spiritual pal, the Rev. Johnnie Walker Black always describes her as hot, but each Saturday morning when I wake up, I realize the Reverend must have been drinking as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong! 2) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 3) If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? 4) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch. 5) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Albrecht Dürer, painter, engraver 1471, Alexander Pope, English poet 1688, Elizabeth Fry, prison reformer and philanthropist 1780, Henri Rousseau, painter 1844, Glenn Curtiss, inventor and aviation pioneer 1878, Fats Waller, musician 1904, Andrei Sakharov, human rights advocate 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

An old man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how well you live on $800 a year."

Murray goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" Murray replies, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Murray then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Murray says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Cajun and Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red? " The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" She replied, "No, but my cucumbers are enormous!"

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

That's it for today my little armadillos. Remember, some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and more and if I make any mistakes, I hope they're fun. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !