Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The President Will Not Act On The Illegal Immigration Border Problem Until After The November Elections

The Federal Government is sitting on it's ass as the U.S. border continues to be an open highway for illegal immigration and drug smuggling. I wonder at what point in time President Obozo will get off his hopey-changey ass and enforce federal laws. Methinks it won't be until after the November elections.

Drug cartel violence, coupled with increased crime along the Arizona/Mexico border has prompted Arizona officials to place signs along a heavily-traveled and known smuggling route leading from Mexico to the state’s capitol of Phoenix. Signs went up a couple weeks ago along the southern side of I-8 between Casa Grande and Gila Bend Arizona. The region is about 80 miles north of the Mexican border and it warns American citizens of the dangers of hiking in the area.

Mexican drug cartels appear to control large areas of Southern Arizona, according to the Pinal County Sheriff. According to Borderland Beat, the Pinal County Sherriff says, "We do not have control of this area." Pinal County investigators are now saying the area known as the ‘smuggling corridor’ stretches from the Mexico's border to Phoenix. Borderland suggests the area was once known as a family hiking and off road vehicles area. However the government has posted signs warning visitors and residents of the drug and human smuggling activity.

The News As I See It: BP, in an internal newsletter, said that most Gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because the clean-up effort has boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al-Qaida taking credit for boosting jobs in airport security.

It's been so hot in Washington, D.C. that President Obama has been fanning himself with his birth certificate.

The U.S. government has arrested a ring of Russian spies here. They were trying to blend in and act like Americans. For a week, they even pretended to love soccer.

This Date In History: 1859; French acrobat Charles Blondin, AKA Jean Francois Gravelet, walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. 1908; A powerful natural explosion from an unknown cause rocked the Tunguska Basin, in eastern Siberia, flattening hundreds of square miles of forest and resulting in tremors that could be felt hundreds of miles away. 1921; President Warren G. Harding appointed former president William H. Taft chief justice of the United States.

1934; Adolf Hitler secured his position in the Nazi party by a "blood purge," ridding the party of other leaders such as Ernst Roehm and Kurt von Schleicher. 1936; Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was published. 1971; The 26th Amendment, which lowered the voting age to 18, was ratified by the states. 1998; The remains of a Vietnam War serviceman buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers were identified as those of Air Force pilot Michael J. Blassie.

Picture Of The Day: The new sign at the Arizona Park border is not a photoshop picture, it's real! The picture of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is obviously a photoshop picture. I know that for sure because Elena waxes her arms. The other pictures are the new rage, animals with bling. I thought they were cute so I'm publishing them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. 2) It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight. 3) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. 4) Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Walter Ulbricht, Communist leader 1893, Czeslaw Milosz, poet, essayist, and novelist 1911, Lena Horne, Jazz and pop singer, dancer, and actress 1917, Paul Berg, biologist 1926, Mike Tyson, boxer 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. She says, "You know, love, I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my tits are barely above my waist and my ass is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well...your eyesight's fine."

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed . Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in,and that's when all the trouble started.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's post.

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. The cop says "Nice bike, did Santa bring it to you?'' The little girl said, "Yes sir, he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!"

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "That's a beautiful horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" Playing along with the little girl, he chuckled and answered, "Yes, he sure did!" The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answers with a seductive smile, "yes, my love." Her husband says, "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa." (He never heard the gunshot).

I can still remember Uncle John sitting in that chair of his, listening to opera. He'd have this weird expression on his face. Then when he finally got untied from the chair, he'd try to catch us. Man, he hated opera.

That's it for today my little fire flies. Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Today is hump day and a damned good reason to head to AREA 51 for happy hour. Then again, any day is a good day for happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hurricane Season Is Here - Look Out Gulf !

Tropical storm Alex may become the first hurricane of the 2010 hurricane season and although it looks like Alex will veer northwest into Mexico, I'm concerned about the high winds and sea currents and the effect that they will have on the gulf oil disaster area. Leaking continuously for more than two months now, we certainly don't need any new problems that will further complicate the situation in the Gulf of Mexico.

Talk about politically correct, ad nauseum, some politicians have suggested introducing a bill proposing the words "illegal alien" be banned. They feel that the word is degrading and that a more sympathetic title be used. How do they suggest we refer to them? How about "People who enter the United States in a manner that is contrary to the laws of the United States"? Next, they'll want to introduce a bill referring to burglars as "uninvited guests".

The News As I See It: Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to.

President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards, took him out for a burger. It was a bit awkward because Gen. McChrystal was working behind the counter. The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but Obama said, "Don’t worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren."

This Date In History: 1836; The fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died at Montpelier, his Virginia estate. 1894; Labor Day became a federal holiday by an act of Congress. 1914; Archduke Francis Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary and his wife were assassinated, setting off World War I.

1919; The Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I. 1978; The Supreme Court ruled in Regents of the University of California v. Bakke that the use of quotas in affirmative action programs was not permissible. 1996; The Citadel, the Military College of South Carolina, voted to admit women.

1997; Boxer Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear during their heavyweight title fight, earning a 16-month suspension. 2000; Elian Gonzalez was returned to his father in Cuba. 2001; Serbia handed over Slobodan Milosevic over to the UN war crimes tribunal.

Picture Of The Day:In a bizarre statement to police, the Oregon woman who claims that Al Gore fondled and groped her during a massage session described the former Vice President as a giggling "crazed sex poodle" who gave a "come hither" look before pouncing on her in a Portland hotel suite. In a taped January 2009 interview with cops, the 54-year-old woman, a licensed masseuse whose name has been redacted from police records, read from a lengthy prepared statement that detailed her alleged October 2006 encounter with Gore at the Hotel Lucia.

Firstly, the thought of Al Gore being the subject in any conversation involving sex is repulsive. But on the funny side, the thought of "Big Al" laying down his bad rap is hilarious. On that note, Al's my selection for the "picture of the day".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 2) It's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. What's hard to do is take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing. 3) When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840. 4) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 5) I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Henry VIII, king of England (1509–47), second son and successor of Henry VII 1491, Peter Paul Rubens, painter 1577, Jean Jacques Rousseau, philosopher 1712, Luigi Pirandello, author 1867, Richard Rodgers, composer 1902, Mel Brooks, writer, film director 1926, John Elway, football player 1960, John Cusack, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ray says, "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them." Dewey then asks, "What the hell did you do?" Ray replies, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey says, "Thats not against the law." Ray says, "Thats what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure thought it was."

A Mississippi farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. He told his son, "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again. The farmer yelled at his son, "You crazy boy!! That Becky-Sue's a fine young gal." His son says, "I know Paw, but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." The patient asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today my little chicklets. Remember, half of all Americans can't do math, and the other two-thirds don't care. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 25, 2010

It's Friday And I'm Going To AREA 51 For Happy Hour And More.....

Friday is the day I normally make a trip to AREA 51 to socialize and have a few drinks with my friends. I really would like to try some new places tonight but I'm going to wait to see how the weather looks. During the summer months in Florida, it's a good idea to check the afternoon weather report to determine the right time of the evening to head out. Afternoon and evening thunderstorms are the norm and I've been caught too many times without an umbrella. I also learned that, for some reason, they won't serve scotch to people sitting in the parking lot, waiting for the rain to stop.

Nevertheless, I'll be off to somewhere either with company or flying solo. I'm kinda itching to go someplace new tonight, but with the right phone call, I'll shelve that idea. We'll call that alternate plan A. Either way, tonight should be fun and if my feeble little mind is kind enough to remind me, I'll try and snap a few pictures.

The News As I See It: Mexico has filed a brief in a U.S. court to stop Arizona’s immigration law. And while they’re at it, they also asked the court to stop Taco Bell from calling itself "Mexican" food. Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.

President Obozo said, after firing Gen. McChrystal, that you don’t criticize your bosses. That’s the same reason Obozo never says anything bad about the Chinese. Obozo is in a tough spot because when he fired Gen. McChrystal, the Republicans blamed him for increasing unemployment. Well, we all knew this was going to happen. Gen. McChrystal has canceled his subscription to Rolling Stone.

In Florida: A man was run over by his own truck after his dog put the truck in gear. First, it looked like an accident but it turns out the dog was texting. A rich woman in Miami died and left $3 million to her pet Chihuahua and only $1 million to her son. Guys, the next time your mom says, "Sit down and roll over", just do it.

This Date In History: 1788; Virginia became the 10th state in the Union. 1876; Lt. Col. George A. Custer and all his men were killed by Sioux and Cheyanne Indians at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana. 1950; Communist North Korean troops invaded South Korea, beginning the Korean War.

1951; The first commercial color TV program was transmitted by CBS from New York to Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, DC. 1991; Croatia and Slovenia proclaimed their independence from Yugoslavia, beginning the Yugoslavian civil war. 1997; Oceanographer Jacques Cousteau died.

Picture Of The Day: Sexy ladies, one of the more interesting sights when I head over to AREA51 for my Friday night trek. It's also good if you speak two or more languages, especially in Miami. I'm fluent in English, Spanish and Jack Daniels.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) MAfter (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !! 2) When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 3) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 4) Life's a bitch because if it was a slut, it'd be easy. 5) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Antonio Gaudí, architect 1852, Robert Henri, painter 1865, George Abbott, theatrical producer 1887, George Orwell, pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair, British novelist and essayist 1903, James Meredith, civil-rights leader 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." The doctor, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, said, "I know, I know. I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." Catherine said, "No, that's not it. He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

An old man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda and Victor for their contributions to today's post.

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. When bell 1 rings, we all put on our jackets. When bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. When bell 3 rings, we're on the fire truck ready to go."

He continued, "From now on when I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say bell 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled. "Bell 4!" The fireman asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife relied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You`re beautiful." Flattered, his wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute." His wife said, "What happened to `beautiful`?" The husband replied,"The drugs are wearing off."

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a nice tan everywhere except where his bathing suit was. So the next day he decided to cover the tanned areas with sand and leave the untanned areas exposed so he could have a nice even tan.

After he was lying there for a while, 2 older women came walking by. When they saw him lying there, they stopped and one of them said, "Ruth, when I was 20, I was afraid of them, when I was 40, I couldn't get enough of them and now that I'm 80, they're growing wild on the beach!

That's it for today my little jitterbugs. Remember, if you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. My thoughts now turn to Happy Hour and I'm off to AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

GOAL ! - The U.S. Soccer Team Defeats Algeria 1-0

Landon Donovan scored the winner in extra time as the U.S. national team defeated Algeria 1-0. Robbed of a goal once again when a 20th minute goal from Clint Dempsey was called back because of an erroneous offside call from the Belgian linesman, it looked like the U.S. team would continue to have bad luck.

Fortunately, the U.S. team had the spunk and determination to soldier on and Donovan's score in extra time proved to be the deciding goal. The U.S. advances to the knockout stage of the World Cup with the win. With the win, the United States wins Group C. The U.S. will face the runner up from Group D on June 26, at 2:30 PM in Rustenberg, South Africa.

The News As I See It: While this Gulf oil mess has been going on, people were upset with BP CEO Tony Hayward because he was out on his yacht last weekend. President Obozo is being criticized for golfing last weekend with Vice President O'Biden. O'Biden's handicap is 16 and Obozo's handicap is O'Biden. In Obozo’s defense, people are saying that the president has a particular way of relaxing. For instance, Georgie "Dubya" Bush would relax by being president.

Sarah Palin has admitted that she tried marijuana and did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions and impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will wear off one day.

A company is now selling a cell phone that costs $70,000 and is covered with sapphires, platinum, and rubies. It’s a smartphone, but of course, if you buy one, you’re an idiot. Another company in California is coming out with a $44,000 mattress. It will be layered with cashmere, mohair, silk, and then on top of that, the moron who paid $44,000 for a mattress.

A cat in Colorado survived an hour-long drive stuck in the engine of a car. The cat is fine, but the dog that was driving is facing attempted murder charges.

This Date In History: 1868; Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for an invention he called a ''Type-Writer.'' 1947; The Senate overrode President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act. 1969; Warren Burger was sworn in as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

1972; Richard Nixon and H. R. Haldeman discussed ways to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. Revelation of this conversation spurred on Nixon's 1974 resignation. 1992; Mobster John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison.

1995; Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical pioneer who developed the first polio vaccine, died. 2003; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the University of Michigan's School of Law affirmative action policy.

Picture Of The Day: I had to post a couple of pictures of the U.S. Soccer team for a well deserved win. They have had so many goals called back by bad calls I was beginning to wonder. Of course, the photoshop gang is still busy at work taking opportunity with current events.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up and now I don't know what to feed it. 2) A Democrat is a person who sees a glass partially filled and says, "This glass is half full!" A Republican is a person who sees the same glass and says, "Hey! Who's been drinking my water?" 3) Lately I've had the "Midas touch." Everything I touch turns into a muffler. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom! 4) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 5) When I was married, I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward VIII, king of Great Britain and Ireland 1894, Alan Turing, computer scientist 1912, Wilma Rudolph, Track & Field 1940, James Levine, music director 1943, Clarence Thomas, associate justice 1948, Frances McDormand, actress 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. The boy says, "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering. The boy asked again, "Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "I'm ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contributions to today's post.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" The man says, "Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Barrack Obama and Joe Biden. They're asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection. The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" The man says, "Most people are giving about a gallon."

As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth." The maid said, "Oh, that's nothing. My whole living room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge." The client said, "Incredible, who were these kind people?" The barber replied, "The passengers on the bus."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. She cried out, "Hello?" There was no answer. She yelled louder, "Is there anyone here?" Still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled, "Hello, is anyone here" Then she heard a voice from far away. "Hello, we're down here...."

That's it for today my little cowpokes. Remember, If you are not committing any sins, you're probably not having much fun. Wednesday means Happy Hour in AREA 51. I'll see you there! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 21, 2010

I Hate Stupid Commercials !

Why do the competent have to sit through commercials designed for dimwits? Every night after 12 pm, I'm bombarded with inane horse shit commercials that drive me crazy.

Infomercial "Buy my 'system' and become rich? The new and improved Acme writing system comes with a graphite point to put your ideas on paper and tool on the other end to delete your message, if desired. You get ten of these wonderful utensils for only ten dollars. But wait! Act now and we'll double the amount. That's right! Twenty utensils for ten dollars. Just call 1-800 Iamanasshole and we'll ship them out. Express delivery available." Uh....excuse me, they're just pencils.

Infomercial: Girls Gone Wild ! "These college coeds are crazy! See them together for the first time!" Uh....college coeds? They may drive past a college on their way to work at MacDonald's or a strip club! First time they ever done this? Yeah, me too !

Infomerical: Buy Houses, Nothing Down ! "I bought 47 houses last week for $24.87" using the I.M. Slimey system. Uh.....If you had a gold mine, would you quietly mine the gold or sell maps to it's location?

Infomercial: Male Enhancement Drugs ! Jimmy Johnson shilling for Extenze. What a loser! Are you kidding me? If that crap worked men would either rule the planet or become slaves (Flash to "Planet Of The Apes"). Even worse, imagine a herd of 80 year old men with Old Timer's disease walking around with an erection and no idea where to put it.

I'll leave you with the exploits Billy Mays and Vince of Shamwow fame. Fortunately, they're no longer with us due to their exploits with cocaine. You can bet your ass they're both in hell and the punishment is that they have to listen to each other's commercials.

The News As I See It: Paul McCartney recently turned 68. He’s changing some of the lyrics to his songs, such as, "I wanna hold your cane." Now, when he says he wants to hold your hand, it’s so that you can help him cross the street.

Representative Joe Barton (R-Texas) actually apologized to BP’s CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron? To be fair, it’s not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It’s got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you.

There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak? While testifying before Congress, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a "complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures." Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive.

This Date In History: 1527; Italian statesman, diplomat, and author of “The Prince,” Niccolo Machiavelli died. 1788; The U.S. Constitution went into effect when New Hampshire became the 9th state to ratify it. 1834; Cyrus McCormick's mechanical reaper was patented.

1964; Three civil rights worker disappeared in Philadelphia, Mississippi. In 2005, 41 years after the disappearance, Edgar Killen was convicted of their murders. 1982; John Hinckley was found not guilty by reason of insanity for the attempted murder of President Ronald Reagan.

1989; The U.S. Supreme Court decided that burning the U.S. flag was protected under the First Amendment. 2004; Michael Melvill pilots the first privately-developed spacecraft, SpaceShipOne, into space.

Picture Of The Day: Alvin Green won the Democratic primary. He didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches and was kicked out of the Army. He's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. Investigations are under way to see if and how he qualified to run for office. Personally, I think he's definitely qualified to be a senator. Is this a great country or what?

The other pictures today are some of the newest photoshop works on the internet. They sure make my job easy!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 2) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 3) Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely false, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 4) I wonder why psychics never win the lottery? 5) I was sitting in AREA51 last week and I asked a lovely Oriental girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Of course, it's when we vote.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Reinhold Niebuhr, religious and social thinker 1892, Al Hirschfeld, cartoonist 1903, Jean-Paul Sartre, French existential philosopher, playwright, and novelist 1905, Mary McCarthy, novelist 1912, Benazir Bhutto, prime minister 1953, Prince William, prince (duh) 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies and wondered whatever happened to Tarzan. So they decided to look for him and ask him a few questions. Finally, they located him, and asked. "Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?" Tarzan said. "Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis and I can't swim any more or jump from branch to branch."

One of the critics asked, "What about Jane, Tarzan?" Tarzan said, "Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am anymore." The critic replied, "What a shame. What can you tell us about your son Boy?" Tarzan lamented. "Well, we don't see much of Boy lately. He stopped going to school and he only comes around to see us when he needs money or a favor." The critic said, "That's sad. Tarzan."

The other critic asked, "What about Cheetah? Have you heard anything about her?" Tarzan said, "Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well. She married a lawyer and is now living at the White House."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my pals Linda and Victor for their contributions to today's post.

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob. "What is that?" asked the teacher. The young artist answered, "The flea," The puzzled teacher asked. "What flea, dear?" The child said, "The one the Angel told Joseph to take.

Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was: Matthew 2:13 "..the angel of the Lord saying, 'Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt...........'"

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. He said, "well, I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's holy word, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

A preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. A deacon suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. The preacher asked. "How would I go about doing that?" The Deacon said, "It's simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

The next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. The pastor exclaimed, "Shit!" They're still cleaning up the church.

That's it for today my little pork chops. Remember, there's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 18, 2010

Happy Father's Day !

First and foremost, I would like to wish all the fathers a very happy Father's Day. Those of you that will again be receiving the usual ties, underwear, T-shirts or power tools, please be understanding as it is the thought that counts.

As boring as World Cup soccer is, in and of itself, I've been trying to follow the United States team. Additionally, I've tried to watch the more highly regarded matches of other countries in a vain attempted to develop some desire to follow the sport. The U.S. team tied Slovenia today (2-2) in a dramatic comeback that many thought the U.S. team should have won if not for bad calls by the referee or judge or whatever the hell they call him.

The U.S. team is now 0-0-2 and it's my understanding that they still have a chance to go into the next round. I watched most of the game with the television sound very low as the droning sounds of the vuvuzela (a long trumpet-looking thing that the idiots play non-stop throughout the game). The sound is reminiscent of a gigantic swarm of maniacal bees on steroids.

Politcal whore Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas), the ranking member on the House Energy Committee, had the audacity to apologize to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the "shakedown" the Obama White House pulled on the company. Barton has received more than $1.5 million in campaign donations from the oil industry. After major criticism from both parties, House Republican leadership threatened to immediately strip Barton's seniority on the committee if the Texas Republican didn't retract the apology at once. He retracted his apology.

Barton is the epitome of the types of political assholes that should be removed from office in the coming elections. I sent Rep. Barton the following email this morning:

I cannot believe your act of political prostitution in your apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward. Didn't it enter into your feeble mind that everyone is aware of the monies you have received from big oil? My lord, have you no morals whatsoever?

The News As I See It: President Obama finally met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled for 20 minutes. Call me crazy but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked. Obama demanded that BP clean up the Gulf, but BP can’t even clean up their gas station bathrooms.

Obama said he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. He's made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. It’s like he’s campaigning again.

China now holds more than $900 billion in U.S. debt and a lot of Americans are worried about this. Who cares? We’re not going to pay them back anyway.

This Date In History: 1812; The War of 1812 began. 1815; Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo by British, German, and Dutch forces. 1873; Suffragist Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election. 1928; Aviator Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. She completed the flight from Newfoundland to Wales in about 21 hours.

1948; The United Nations Commission on Human Rights adopted its International Declaration of Human Rights. The General Assembly would give it final approval on Dec. 10, 1948. 1983; Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.

Picture Of The Day: I had a hell of a time trying to find pictures for today's post. I think all the photoshop people are taking the weekend off. Nevertheless, I was able to dig up a few presentable pictures for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandfather is hard of hearing and he needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. 2) They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. I think that's true because the night before that last earthquake hit, a dog took his owner's car keys and drove to Arizona. 3) A friend of mine went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time, so he ordered French toast during the Renaissance. 4) My girlfriend wants to celebrate next Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I told to invite everyone in the neighborhood to our house, we'll have an enormous feast, and then we'll kill them and take their land. 5) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward Scripps, newspaper publisher 1854, Philip Barry, playwright 1896, Anastasia, grand duchess 1901, Paul McCartney, Singer, composer, pianist and musician 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy turned and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, she farted. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped no one heard her. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may I help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you're going to shit when you hear the price."

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew."The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Murray, come up here and I'll give you the $2."As the teacher was giving Murray his money, she said, "You know Murray, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Murray replied, "Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the girl next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt karate expert. The woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and she's a rugby player. The girl to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and she's a wrestler. All of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. I'm off to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !