Friday, December 23, 2011

Counting Down To Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). These men will then and only then begin to understand the Herman Cain syndrome and it's effects on their lives.

Younger men traditionally make these errors but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smarter, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic shopping plans for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called Obama a clown and an embarrassment. Hey Chavez, you forgot about OBiden and Pelosi.

According to the census bureau, the number of women getting pregnant is at its lowest rate in 70 years. So, apparently that NBA strike had a bigger effect on America than we thought.

Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy -- the Chinese economy -- but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.

An angel without wings is unnatural. It's like having a Kardashian without back hair.

Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words "beautiful, smart, and funny." When asked how he picked those, he used the words, "she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me."

Every year, as usual, al-Qaida threatens to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

Newt Gingrich signed a no adultery pledge. Out of habit, he signed it John Smith.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia. 1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley. 1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed.

1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: The Christmas pictures always warm me and I hope you enjoy them as well. I did get a kick out of the picture below.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day. Things have changed a bit since I last bought one. The guy asked if I wanted the three-year warranty. 2) Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. 3) One of my lady friends wanted me to go Christmas shopping with her yesterday. I really hate crowds of crazy shoppers so I just dropped her off at the mall with a GPS.

4) The National Football League is asking it's players to donate their brains to medicine, ostensibly to study the effects of head collisions. The only thing that could possibly be funnier than that is if the National Basketball Association asks its players to donate their brains to study their lack of ability to conjugate verbs, specifically, "I am", and to pronounce the word "ask." 5) Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 23rd: It should be a great day for everyone. Spirits are high and chances are, most of you will attain that same level before the night is over. Chances of romance are good with the exception of those who turn 65 today, but don't worry Kirt, I won't say anything.

Birthdays: Brother Kirt joins the society of ancient ones - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a man was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a shopping mall. He pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the sales clerk. When asked what he'd like, he simply says, "a Barbie Doll". The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?" The clerk replies, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture...."

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no ones got the balls to pull the cord.

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1) a woman 2) a donkey 3) a shovel 4) a fish 5) a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."

He continued, "The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol sppears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiasticlly and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left. "Now, look again: It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"

That's it for today my little sleigh belles and beaus. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday. Remember, never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. It's Friday and party time in AREA 51. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

You have that Christmas shopping down pat, don't you? Happy birthday to your brother Kirt.

jack69 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jack69 said...

For a man who only experienced marriage 'for awhile' you are a very learned man. Probably some of the wisdom comes from a mistake or two. (mine does).

I did, one time in 55+ yrs forget a special day, a smart man learns from his mistakes. forget the day once, you never will again.

Thanks for an entertaining read, and the reminder to Chavez that he forgot OBiden and Pelosi, I hope the sucker is reading!!!

jack69 said...

My Sherry loved the DITTO!

Rose said...

Merry Christmas Jimmy!

I loved the Ditto too.

Hugs, Rose

Heli gunner Tom said...

My Dad who served in the Navy in WW-2 and in Saipan talked about General Tojo a lot too. What a criminal.

Tom Schuckman
Merry Christmas

garnett109 said...

Merry Christmas Jimmy!