Monday, December 5, 2011

How Much Did You Say?

I went to Publix today to pick up a few things and although I'm up-to-date on most topics and products, evidently there has been a drastic change in the price of Christmas trees. It appears to me that the stores are holding the trees for ransom.

Since I'm a bachelor, I haven't bought a Christmas tree in years so there is no need for me to know the prices. But as it was, I was passing by a very attractive young woman who asked the clerk the price of the tree.

When I heard the price, I was fortunate enough to have a firm grip on the shopping cart as my knees almost buckled. Not losing a step, I turned to the clerk and asked if the tree came with financing. The young woman laughed, the clerk did not.

The News As I See It: Herman Cain announced that he is withdrawing from the GOP presidential race. It's rumored that his wife wanted him to quit. However, his wife’s vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses.

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy and nasty, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those jobs require working as a sales clerk in a department store during the holidays or a sack, a red suit, and a white beard.

Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities, like card counting and casino robberies.

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. That's nice, and in front of that is a 40-pound ginger bread "foreclosed" sign.

In Utah, a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, "Sorry man, but you did neuter me." I think the dog was pissed because the hunter was wearing a Michael Vick jersey.

This Date In History: 1776; The first scholastic fraternity in America, Phi Beta Kappa, was organized at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Va. 1791; Composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart died in Vienna, Austria, at age 35. 1848; President Polk triggered the Gold Rush of 1848 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

1872; Having left New York on Nov. 5, the brigantine Mary Celeste was found adrift off Portugal with everyone aboard mysteriously missing. 1933; The American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merged to form the AFL-CIO.

2002; At Sen. Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday celebration, Senate Republican leader Trent Lott praised Thurmond's 1948 segregationist presidential bid. Lott subsequently resigned his leadership position.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is busy keeping me up to date with the current news. Today's pics are an example of what's happening.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A sexy young woman passed by my buddy while he was outside watering the lawn and his pacemaker opened the garage door. 2) In a democratic society, sex can only happen when a male gets an election. 3) Puberty occurs when a boy says goodbye to his childhood and looks forward to adultery. 4) Julius Seizure: I came, I saw, I had a fit. 5) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 5th: So it's Monday and business as usual. Pay closer attention to your diet this week because Christmas parties are on the horizon. Your lucky number today is 12. I don't know why, it just is. Chances of romance are slim but the odds will get better as your waistline gets smaller.

Birthdays: My niece Kimberly - Happy Birthday Sweetheart 19XX, Martin Van Buren, 8th U.S. president 1782, Christina Rossetti, poet 1830, George Armstrong Custer, American military officer 1839, Bill Pickett, cowboy, rodeo star 1870, Walt Disney, film producer 1901, Strom Thurmond, U.S. senator 1902, Otto Preminger, director, producer 1906, Little Richard, musician 1932, Joan Didion, writer 1934, Frankie Muniz, actor 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do.

He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman and said, "Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Mrs. Fitzgerald, obviously very drunk, said, "Sure,"

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Hey buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

Old Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it had better be there!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While the escapee is in the bathroom, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist and do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T". Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.

That's it for today my little candy canes. Remember, money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids In touch. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I am glad you cleared that up about the dog shooting the hunter, I was wondering the reason. Now I understand it was justified.

Sherry wasn't too thrilled with Pastor Fuzz. LOL

Thanks for a good read.
Awwww, go ahead buy a tree.

Missy said...

The prices of almost everything are unbelievable. My son just had to have a stuffed animal the other day that was from some game called Angry Birds. It cost $17.00! Yes, I bought it because he has done so well but there is no way that thing cost more than a few dollars to make!

I bought a cheap white tree this year. I paid $12 for it. I decorated it purple and silver and it looks great! No need to go broke for it, that's for sure.

Rose said...

The escapee story was hysterical.

You need to duplicate that Xmas tree for your own home.

Hugs, Eose