Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Note To Eric Holder: Brian Terry Will Not Fade Away!

United States Attorney Eric Holder keeps hoping that the ghost of US border patrol guard Brian Terry, killed during a shootout with a drug running, illegal alien, will just fade away, but he's wrong. Besides being the most incompetent Attorney General of all time, his arrogance and willfulness to evade responsibility for "Operation Fast and Furious" and the death of Brian Terry insults my intelligence.

It seems the shuck and jive, lying mentality of the Obama administration was used as a measure to appoint the entire Obama Cabinet. The only member of the Obama team that continues to have my respect is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who should have been the Democratic nominee for President.

Hopefully, 2012 will be a year of intelligent selection and the "American Idol" election mentality will have waned. Time will tell.....

The News As I See It: Iran is returning the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.

Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It's like voting for Obama.

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?

Obama ended up buying about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. It got a bit awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States.

1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum. 1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 193;7 Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62.

1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

Picture Of The Day: The picture of the image of slain US Border Guard Brian Terry imposed on the ever incompetent Eric Holder was very moving for me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby. 2) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 3) Old is when a sexy girl catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 4) Social Security Sex is when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on. 5) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 28th: It's a great day for a birthday party and good practice for the upcoming New Year's Eve celebration. Tomorrow, remember to make a list of what not to drink or do that caused your hangover. Chance of romance is 50-50 depending on your alcohol consumption. Never trust a naked bus driver.

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. The boy exclaimed, "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!"

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering. The boy asked again, "Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, just watching the cars go by and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Chris' wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Chris' buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Chris sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. One of them asks, "Damn Chris, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" Chris says, "Well, I've been here since yesterday."The guys asks, "How'd you convince her?"

Chris says, "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom."

Chris went on, "The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want'. So, here I am."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. She said to her husband, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

That's it for today my little carrot sticks. Remember, there are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. I checked the weather and it's a good day to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Funny jokes. Hope you're enjoying your night out. We actually drove home from San Antonio at one in the morning Christmas night. We felt like we were getting wild. lol

Rose said...

Social Security Sex! hehehehhehehe

jack69 said...

I absolutely agree with you about Holder and the rest of the Cabinet! Problem is I don't see a whole lot of hope on the horizon!!!

But that aside, If hunting season is still in, do you have Chris's address?

Thanks for a good read, take care and study well for New Years Eve!