Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Is It Me Or Is It A Left-Handed Thing?

I love it when people repeat an adage and get it completely wrong. I don't say anything, I just enjoy the moment. One of the most recent ones I heard was "the goat of Christmas past." I'm thinking that either they had a fine holiday meal or someone nailed Nanny last year.

Personally, I think that death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

I always say, if people who live in glass houses sink ships and a penny saved is worth two in the bush, then why do people with loose lips, who throw stones, end up with a bird in the hand and a penny earned? And finally, don’t cross the road if you can’t get out of the kitchen..... (Huh?)

The News As I See It: North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.

At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il. Naturally, they passed over his two older brothers, Tito and Jermaine.

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to Rap."

It was leaked that Tiger Woods' divorce settlement ending up netting his wife almost $100 million. The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and Kobe Bryant's wife.

The Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, "You’re welcome."

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn't that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people?

A new survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So, it all balances out.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.

1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people. 1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: There's a lot of crazy in me today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door. 2) In honor of Christmas, a town in the Minnesota held a reindeer race. Of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street. 3) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 4) Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified. 5) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: Dress appropriately today because there's quite a few office parties going on. Wine should be your choice in beverages because you remember what happened last year. Chances of romance are 60-40 depending on you resisting the desire to make copies of your face on the copy machine.

Birthdays: Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879, Dame Rebecca West, novelist and critic 1892, Josh Gibson, baseball player 1911, Jane Fonda, actress 1937, Frank Zappa, rock musician , composer, and pianist 1940, Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor, composer, and pianist 1944, Samuel L. Jackson, actor 1948, Chris Evert, tennis player 1954, Ray Romano, comedian, actor 1957, Florence Griffith-Joyner, sprinter 1959, Kiefer Sutherland, actor 1966, Julie Delpy, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple was doing last minute shopping on Christmas Eve. Walking through the very crowded mall, the wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.

The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife, crying, said, "Yes, I remember". Her husband said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store."

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how'd it go, Harry?" Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington state and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. The clerk said, "Guess what, sir? I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" The manager asked, "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" The clerk said, "That's the one!"

The manager cried, I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" The clerk replied, "Oh, after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?" Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus & Finkelstein it is." Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God." The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

That's it for today my little holly boughs. Remember, once you're over the hill, you pick up speed. It's Hump day. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

I love the 'Campaign Trail' picture....that's a good one!

jack69 said...

Hey Teach, thanks. I thought them bad boys landed in Mass. in the Summer. They should have checked the weather in the Boston area before heading over here in the winter. 'tis cold up there.

BTW If you don't remember choosing, you have to Ax next time....(Righ after you lock the truck door!)

Nite Sam, Hope you enjoyed Happy Hour!

Paula said...

Oh so thats how Lord and Taylor got their name.