Monday, December 26, 2011

Twas The Night After Christmas And.....

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday. Christmas fell perfectly this year arriving on a beautiful Sunday morning here in Miami. As far as I can tell, my family and friends had a great time and hopefully, no one had to go back to the stores for exchanges.

There are, of course, the masochistic many who return to the stores for after Christmas sales, much like the swallows return to Capistrano. I never say anything to them about this particular quirk but we all know there will be New Years sales starting Thursday and so it goes.

There will always be sales my friends and if there's not a particular holiday to trump up, then retailers will invent one. Personally. I'm waiting for Potato Week and the holiday parties and sales that it always brings. Potato Week is only surpassed by Festevus which I hope everyone enjoyed. I know I did.....

The News As I See It: The Pope came out again this Christmas against materialism. He says instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really see that the Pope's not married.

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Obama and the Congress will order the immigration department to start deporting retired people instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. We are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! See you on the bus. I wonder where we're going?

My old friend Frank in North Dakota, near the Canadian Border, called me and said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It's nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966;
The first Kwanzaa is celebrated. 1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Missouri.

1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda. 1996; JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colorado, home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.

Picture Of The Day: The remnants of the hectic holidays.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Christmas, I got a new shirt and a piece of ass...both were too big. 2) I also got a sweater. It was nice, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 3) I started a neighborhood watch in my neighborhood and it was going well until she closed her curtains. 4) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. 5) Sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 26th: Today's a great day to lay back and relax. Don't be fooled by the day after Christmas sales. There'll be a New Years sale soon and so it continues. Chances of romance are low mostly due to your physical and mental state caused by holiday stress. Have a few evening drinks and relax. Tomorrow's another day.

Birthdays: My lady pals Jennifer, Mary and Yvette were on born on this day. Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, Thomas Gray, poet 1716, Charles Babbage, mathematician 1791, George Dewey, admiral 1837, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple, both poets, were discussing the character of men and women. She said, "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

He retorted, "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Wally for their contributions to today's stories. Got any funny stories or jokes? Send 'em to me at

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once asked, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Hope you enjoyed your Xmas.....New Years is coming..........another night out for you to celebrate.


Paula said...

The line about teach a person to use the internet is sooo true.

jack69 said...

YOu can tell things are slack down toward South Florida and South Texas when Paula and Rose beat me here!!!
Like your insight on the Pope, yeah his opinion definitely shows he ain't married.
.... I started a neighborhood watch in my neighborhood and it was going well until she closed her curtains......

I never thought about calling that a neighborhood watch, I was 13 at the time.

Loved the come back, you are pretty smart. 'ONLY IN THE RAIN'.

Relax, as Rose said, 'nother big day coming up!!!
Sherry & Jack