Saturday, December 3, 2011

Late Friday Johnnie Walker Black Edition

And now it begins, that endless flow of television commercials with a Christmas theme. "Tis the season and some ads are visually digestible. My appreciation wanes when I see a Rolaids ad featuring a Christmas tree or a Tampon commercial adorned with Mistletoe. I shudder to imagine upcoming advertisements for Ex-Lax.

The commercialization of Christmas and the holidays are annoying enough, but some companies may want to opt out of the trend. Every charity known to mankind (and many who are not) are pleading for your hard earned dollars and many of them are downright scams.

While I am aware that many retailers, who can make or break their financial year, depend on seasonal sales. My hopes are that most of them will make available great buys for a population that needs all the financial help they can find.

The bottom line? In my mind while watching every corporation, con man and shill asking me for money, I ask myself, "What would Jesus Buy?"

The News As I See It: It's the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is "Shine, Give, Share." While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be "Clean, Pack, Move."

Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald’s unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit.

The Kardashian sisters are among "Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People in 2011." This is the first time that Barbara Walters has done a sarcastic prime-time special. Those broads have done so many black basketball players that they're known as the "double dribble sisters."

This week, Brian Williams continued with the "NBC Nightly News" while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. He kept talking over a loud screeching sound or as it's also known, "The View."

The Occupy L.A. encampment is over and aside from multiple arrests, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York City, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree was held. Police found a dozen protesters living in the tree.

Dr. Conrad Murray was sent away for four years in the L.A. county jail. Now if we can just find a place to send Dr. Phil.....

This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry.

1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago. 1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute."

1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established. 1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation. 1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation.

1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.

Picture Of The Day: Some Christmas advertisement pictures I ran across. This one in particular raised my Christmas spirit.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To say that having sex ruins a friendship is like saying that adding sprinkles ruins ice cream. 2) Never take a beer to a job interview. 3) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done! 4) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed or mugged yet. 5) We have enough youth! What we need is a Fountain of Smart.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius December 2nd: Well, it's time to really get serious about your Christmas list. It's going to be like a cattle stampede. The only question is the size of the herd. Chances of romance are partly cloudy with early morning fog. Write down the name of your partner early, just in case.....

Birthdays: My sweet Rocio and one of my best friends, Victor - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Georges Seurat, French painter 1859, Peter Carl Goldmark, inventor and engineer 1906, Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, general 1924 Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actor, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud and says, "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton. The man says, "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton. You pick the grapes at the same time. You crush in the same way and you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, You even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other. Then, smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

A man went to an extremely attractive female doctor for his annual checkup. She told him that he had to quit masturbating. He asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to the birthday boy, my pal Victor, for his contribution to today's stories.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. He said, "You have so much to live for. I'm a sailor, we're off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. The captain asked, "What are you doing here?" The young woman replied, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe." The captain said, "I see." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me." The captain said, "He certainly is. This is the Staten Island Ferry."

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. He moaned, "Louise, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

Louise, her voice oozing scorn, said, "Even worse! You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

John said, "He's an asshole! Piss on him!" Louise said, "You did and he fired you." John said, "Well, screw him!" Louise replied, "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

As an American, I am not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials.

That's it for today my little snowflakes. Remember, how long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I am proud of you. Your Political insight is right on. That last little paragraph about the Nobel and White house is right on. How ever, the SS is on its way, and we will try to bake you a cake with a cordless saw inside.

Thanks for a great read. Geographic locations? True that!!

garnett109 said...

I'm Thinking Ex-Lax should be sporting a Yule Log for the Holiday commercial!

Rose said...

Thanks for the chuckles!


Linda's World said...

Have a good weekend...what 'cha getting PSH for Christmas this year? I hear he's been good....Unlike the winner of the Nobel Peace prize

Paula said...

Just stopping in to check on you while I have a chance. Good rest of the week-end.

kelly said...

Hi, came over via formaly AOL J-Land.. and I say, I found this very enlightening.. Your view on Political standings, I found amusing.. so right on the money, thanks for the laugh,in need of one today.

Missy said...

I'll be glad when Christmas is over... until the commercials start in July again *rolling eyes*

Loved the jokes.