Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Men are deep thinkers. I mowed the lawn today and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My girlfriend walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said "nothing." The reason I said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?"
At that point, I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the balls?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the balls. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the balls is more painful than having a baby.
Here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like to be kicked in the balls again." I rest my case.....
The News As I See It: According to a recent study, Southern accents were voted the sexiest of all American accents. Boston accents came in 87th, right after a deer being gutted.
On Veteran's Day, Obama honored our oldest living veteran, a man who is 107 years old and ordered him home from Afghanistan.
Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he's getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage.
Scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare.
According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. If you're interested in the job, no need to submit a résumé, they have all your information already. They'll call you.
This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey.
1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted. 1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts.
1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses. 1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.
Picture Of The Day: A beautiful mountain view.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My son asked, "Am I adopted?" I told him, "Not yet, but we're hopeful." 2) I find it weird watching the passenger drive the car in England. 3) How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana? 4) I thought I heard my cat walking down the hall because of his long claws. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot. 5) Few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 13th: Your message today is "cryptic", which basically means that I made it up. You will get an important phone call today, but you won't be able to find a pen to write down the message. In the interim, you work on solving the cryptic message and I'll look for a pen.....
Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck, theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Whoopi Goldberg, comedienne, actress 1955, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."
Billy Bob continued, "Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earlene with me."
A man's daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with his time. She suggested that he go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. Her father did this and when he got home that night, he told her that he had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" He proudly showed her his new membership card. She said to him, "Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
Her father lamented, "Well, then I'm in trouble. I signed up for five jumps next week....."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for today's lead story.
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. The waiter stopped to take their order and both ordered tea. Sid said to Al, "I wonder if there are any Jews in China?" Sid replied. "I don't know. Let's ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" The waiter replied, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." Al asked, "Are you sure?" The waiter replied, "I will check again, sir," and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." Al asked again. " I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." The waiter said, "Sir, I ask everyone. We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.....
That's it for today, my little love birds. Remember, every chair is a recliner when you're drunk. You can find me in AREA 51 tonight at happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !