Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Frogs And Snails And Puppy Dog Tails

We always had animals when I was a kid. There was always the family dog, but there was a plethora of cats and chickens. The dogs had names and most of the cats as well, but after a while, we just called them by species and gender.

There was "Mama Cat", "Baby Cat" and they usual run of "Snowballs", "Blackies", "Tigers" and the like. Mama Cat had a litter about every three months and her litters were always beautiful. We kids all enjoyed the kittens.

We also had quite a few bantam chickens. "Whitey" was the mother and "Pete" was the proverbial cock-of-the-walk. Just like Mama Cat, Whitey would disappear for a day or two and sooner or later, she'd come out sporting her new family.

I don't really recall much fighting between the animals. My dog, "Beannie" was only concerned with playing with his friend "King" and getting fed, although I do remember one confrontation between Mama Cat and Beannie.

Beannie must have irritated Moma Cat because she attacked him. Beannie wasn't in the mood to be messed with and he cornered her and she was on her back in a defensive position. Beannie took his right paw and put it on her chest, holding her down.

They stared at each other for a moment, then Beannie removed his paw and walked away. He could have killed her, but I think it was just his way of letting her know that the big dog hunts and eats first. They remained friendly after that.....

Brother Kirt, myself and Beannie

A school absence note from a member of the armed forces:

November 12, 2013

My child was absent from school yesterday because of Veteran's Day. He will attend school on Veteran's Day when children go to school on Martin Luther King Day.

(Name Withheld)
Vietnam Veteran
Big Red 1 - Sgt E-5

The News As I See ItHow hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up. Four hours later they're on the seventh level of Candy Crush. I just want liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods and gay sex, so everything is not lost.

Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.

The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, "You're doing a heck of a job, brownie."

Obama is being criticized for not attending the ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama's "Sorry about this crappy website" speech.

Monday was Mickey Mouse Day. He made his debut on this date in 1928. He's 88 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate. I like Mickey Mouse. I like the squeaky voice, the happy face, the little shorts. Wait, I'm thinking of Richard Simmons.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz.

1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nuremberg, Germany. 1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh.

1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: This is not "Pete" but he has very similar markings. A beautiful animal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the airport yesterday, a TSA worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." 2) I went to the bank this morning and after inserting my bankcard, the ATM asked, "Is it in yet?" That's not funny ATM. 3) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 5) Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why does nobody reply to my emails?".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - November 20th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903, Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, Senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

The other husband said, "That's nothing. Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, "From all of us at Fire Station 2. We'll never forget you....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I went out with a few friends. After several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?"

He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."

Her husband said, "No problem. Just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, the best revenge when someone pisses you off in the grocery store is to get in front of  them in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check. My next destination is AREA 51 for happy hour. Join me if you dare.....

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Okay tonight it was the "Thanks for Fire Station 2", I'm still giggling. Love the news in your sights... one of your best.
Pets? part of a wonderful childhood! I had for got about the bantum Rooster, I had two of them.

Linda's World said...

That rooster reminds me of Brewster the rooster in the campground next to the Mexican border outside Yuma' AZ. Good post!