Saturday, November 16, 2013
Recliner: One Who Reclines ?
My recliner is, by far, the place where I get the best sleep. As far as I can determine, the reasoning is that there is no actual plan or preparation for sleep. One minute, you're watching television and the next thing you know, you wake up four hours later and find the cat sleeping on your chest.
As a rule, when I feel a bit drowsy, I get up and turn off the television and computer. Then, turning off lights as I walk, I head to the bathroom to do my nightly duties. The next move is to the bedroom where put on my sleepwear, peel back the sheets and get into the bed. The cat then joins me and presumbly, I'm off to never-never-land. Therein lies the rub.
Once I've completed this series of tasks and get into bed, the cat decides that he would like to be scratched or rubbed. As I care for my cat, my mind wanders, going over tomorrow's agenda. Somwhere in the distance, I hear a drip and....voila! Now, I'm wide awake.
And my recliner? Watching TV...watching TV...Coma!
The News As I See It: Obama met with various leaders of the American Indian tribes. He promised them, "If you like your medicine man, you can keep your medicine man.
According to a new report, over a million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. In fact, some are so angry they have already gone back to Mexico.
The smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her — at Healthcare.gov.
I don’t know what’s happening with "Dancing With the Stars" this year, but people just aren’t watching as much as they used to. They’re trying to think of anything they can to boost ratings. In fact, I heard they might even try adding celebrities to the show.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first game of the season Monday night. They beat the Miami Dolphins 22-19. This was an important loss for the Dolphins because they proved they can embarrass themselves without Richie Incognito.
It seems like everyone’s still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said, "But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again."
This Date In History: 1763; Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon began surveying the Mason-Dixon line. 1777; The Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, the precursor to the U.S. Constitution.
1806; Explorer Zebulon Pike spotted the mountaintop now known as Pikes Peak. 1939; The cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial was laid by President Roosevelt.
1969; About 250,000 protesters against the Vietnam War, the largest war protest ever, converged peacefully on Washington, DC. 2002; Hu Jintao replaced Jiang Zemin as China's Communist Party leader.
Picture Of The Day: Everything loses value over time....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. 2) Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night? 3) Actually, the past tense is "hanged" as in "he hanged himself". Sorry about your husband, though. 4) If I'm ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 seconds, plug me back in and see if that works. 5) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 15th: The future will find you in good spirits. In the midst of these good spirits, you may meet someone that you are immediately fond of. Due to this, your good spirits will wax and wane over the coming months. You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are sitting in a bathroom stall. This will cause you to damn your flatulent ways as you miss the really juicy part.
Birthdays: Louis Daguerre, early pioneer of photography 1789, Ignace Paderewski, pianist, composer 1860, Clarence S. Day, essayist 1874, Eugene Ormandy, conductor 1899, George Horace Gallup, originator of the Gallup poll 1901, Alan B. Shepard, astronaut 1923, Margaret Atwood, novelist and poet 1939, Wilma Mankiller, former chief of the Cherokee Nation 1945, Alan Moore, writer 1953, Owen Wilson, actor 1968, Chloë Sevigny, actress 1974.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, is driving home from the city one night, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road and a cop pulls him over.
The cop to the driver, "So, where have ya been?" The drunk slurs, "Why, I've been to the pub of course," The cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." The drunk says with a smile, "I did all right."
The cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, says, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" The drunk sighs, "Oh, thank heavens. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 5 year old nods his head in approval. The 7 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 5 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The 5 year old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. He suggested, "For example, you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. The hesitant wife agreed, "Well, okay, but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away and second, you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said, "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
That's it for today, my little winos. Remember, pizza is an emotion! I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !