Monday, November 18, 2013

Who Are You Talking To ?

I was 11 years old the day I learned that Dad talked to himself. I had overheard a conversation in the kitchen and when I went to see who it was, I found that Dad was alone and having one hell of a conversation, ostensibly with himself.

As I nervously backed out of the kitchen, I was beside myself over the incident and could not wait until my mother got home so I could tell her what had happened.

When Mom arrived, I hurriedly took her aside and told her what happened. I told her that I was sure that Dad was going insane and asked her what we could do.

Mom turned to me with that loving look that only Moms can give and began to laugh uncontrollably. As she brushed aside her tears of laughter, she simply said, "Your father is fine and one day, you'll understand this incident a little better, when you see it through older eyes."

Well I understand completely now and the funny thing is that I was in the car today having a nice conversation with myself when I noticed a young lady starring at me in the next car. Fortunately, I pretended like I was singing along with a song on the radio, just like all the normal crazies......

The News As I See It: According to a new report, over a million people in California are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. I don't believe that. There's not a million people in California who have health or car insurance.

Only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times.

It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. Personally, I think they're just old chicken wings. Ford and his brother are being given their own reality show. Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it.

Heinz ketchup announced that it will cut more than 1,300 jobs over the next eight months. They say they just don't have a lot of money left in their budget. Then people said, "Have you tried turning it upside down and letting it sit for a few minutes?

The No. 1 movie is "Thor." It's all about a guy named Thor who saves the world with his giant hammer. He also has a medium-sized hammer he uses to tenderize veal and a tiny hammer to test your reflexes.

This Date In History: 1820; Captain Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica. 1883; Standard time began in the United States. 1886; Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United States (1881–1885), died in New York at 56. 1928; Mickey Mouse made his debut in Steamboat Willie.

1976; Spain's parliament approved a bill to establish a democracy after 37 years of dictatorship. 1978; Jim Jones, a U.S. pastor, led 914 of his followers to their deaths at Jonestown, Guyana, by drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink. Cult members who refused to swallow the drink were shot.

2003; The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that the right to same sex marriage was guaranteed by the state constitution. 2004; The UN Security Council held a two-day session in Nairobi. This was the first time it had convened outside of New York headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: "Sub-Woofers"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around. 2) I get high before I get my Drivers License picture taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over. 3) Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times. 4) I tried to give a bottle of coke to a polar bear. He did not accept it. He also he took my son's hamburger. Not funny, Coke. 5) My friend's wife told him If she had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons she would've become a lesbian.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - November 18th: While this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, especially if your name is Margaret or Marge or Mike or Dave.

OK, I'll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you're pretty much assured of happiness. Tragic love is all we have to share this week, when things go right, they are awesome. When things go wrong, they are the worst. Still, life's got to have its ups and downs, don't you think?

Birthdays: My niece, Ashley and my pal Terrie - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Louis Daguerre, early pioneer of photography 1789, Ignace Paderewski, pianist, composer 1860, Clarence S. Day, essayist 1874, Eugene Ormandy, conductor 1899, George Horace Gallup, originator of the Gallup poll 1901, Alan B. Shepard, astronaut 1923, Margaret Atwood, novelist and poet 1939, Wilma Mankiller, former chief of the Cherokee Nation 1945, Alan Moore, writer 1953, Owen Wilson, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.

So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief.

The father asks, "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized and said, "Look, I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then he got a little panicky. He thought, "I don't remember her, but maybe, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" With a horrified look on her face, she said, "No, I'm your son's second grade teacher."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?" 

She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" He said, "Let me see" She said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said" Oh, my God, It's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, boys will be boys. girls will be girls and koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That's more or less how things work.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Lots of good laughs here today, thanks.

jack69 said...

Pretty hard to beat that cowgirl here. Imma still talking to my self, but it is mostly bad words.
Onthe printables. I had 8 years as an e-3 and below. I know about the men's toilets, and I don't blame that woman who might have been a lesbian. LOL.

But you ruined me again with the Blows him back up!!!
I;m outta here...