Friday, November 29, 2013

Looking Forward To Recovery Weekend

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house and we had an enormous feast. Then I took their land and put them on a reservation.

I have used history and its' acceptance to my benefit many times. I find it works very well and to my benefit. In fact that's how I got my house. I was driving down the street and discovered an empty house. So I planted my flag and claimed it.

The residents were quite taken aback when I proclaimed myself governor, but their children joined my alliance when I freed them from their parent's slavery. That worked well until the children moved to Detroit and Chicago.

The kids in Detroit did nothing but depend on other parents for their food, shelter and clothing, so all the parents moved to the suburbs and left no forwarding address.

The Chicago story is even worse. Some Yoyo backed into the Senate election and went on to rule the country because all the kids came down with "American Idol" syndrome and based their votes on popularity instead of ability. Now the whole country is in a big mess.

Next year, I'm going to Canada for Thanksgiving and incorporate  their theory. Thanksgiving Day in Canada has been a holiday on the second Monday of October since 1957. It is a chance for people to give thanks for a good harvest and other fortunes in the past year. This year they gave thanks that Obama was the president of the United States and not Canada.....

The News As I See It: Thanksgiving was the best this year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along and then I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.

I love Thanksgiving. It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to take one last look at their old cellphones before they buy the new ones on Black Friday.

Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions. If you're married, it's located in your wife's brain.

Advertising For A New Gym: Butt weight. There's more!

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving 2013 is now a memory. Here's hoping that next year, the nation will have more to give thanks for.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) (Big Toe): "Hey, he just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?" (Brain): "Wait 2 seconds....." 2) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are why I lie awake at night. 3) A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 4) (Clerk): "May I take your order?" ( Me): "Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke." (Clerk:) "Sir, This is Wallgreens" (Me): "OK, make it a bottle of Xanax and some Pringles...." 5) My uncle is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters......and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - November 28th: Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you exceptionally romantic fun via emails. You may find that some messages you see today will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Pressure will exert itself this week and cause problems with your love life especially if you reply to those 1-900 numbers. 

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven ,writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington. actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box and says to the priest. "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

The priest says,"My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" Mr. Cohen says, "Are you kidding me? At my age, I’m telling everybody!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple was shopping at the mall on Black Friday and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was.

In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man. The drunk muttered. "Well, I'll be dammed" and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."

That's it for today, my little mall rats. Remember ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." I'll be in AREA 51 tonight for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I wouldn't be reading this, I am trying to write a book, but across the table my Sherry (not wine) is LHBO (I can't use A), and trying to read to a deaf guy about some uncle reading lips and using a high lighter! That really ain't funny Jimmy!
However the rest is a blast! Thanks, now try to relapse.
From this end of the Turnpike.
Sherry & Jack

Rose said...

Glad you had a great Thanksgiving!

Highlighter???? LOL