Friday, December 27, 2013

A&E Backs Down - Duck Dynasty To Resume Filming

A&E announced today that the hit TV show "Duck Dynasty" will resume filming with Phil Robertson. This comes after A&E suspended him earlier in the month for his comments about homosexuality.

“Duck Dynasty” is the top-rated reality program on cable, according to the Hollywood Reporter, with an average 13.4 million viewers and a marketing franchise in such outlets as Walmart, Sears and Cracker Barrel restaurants.

A&E's "holier than thou" attitude may have caused them to step on their own purse strings as I, nor anyone I know, has ever even watched any A&E shows.

Nevertheless, it seems that after seeing the tremendous loss of potential income on the horizon, A&E may have had cause to "reconsider" their position on being politically correct and chosen the money.

Personally, I have never seen "Duck Dynasty", but with all the smut and innuendos on television today, Robertson's personal religious views and opinions, albeit coarse, are his right under the freedom of speech amendment.

More than 250000 people have signed a petition to A&E demanding that Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson be reinstated on the hit show.

The News As I See It: According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians.

Defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, "You can't always get what you want." When it comes to Congress, here's a better Stones quote: "Can't get no satisfaction."

Obamacare is still struggling to catch on with most people. Now the White House has started asking celebrities to endorse Obamacare. Well, if anyone knows how to put a new face on something, it's Hollywood.

This Date In History: 1831; Darwin began his voyage aboard the HMS Beagle. 1900; Prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed her first saloon. 1932; Radio City Music Hall in New York City opened. 1945; The World Bank was created with an agreement signed by 28 nations.

1949; The Netherlands transferred sovereignty to Indonesia after more than 300 years of Dutch rule. 1979; The Soviet Union took control of Afghanistan, installing Afghan politician Babrak Karmal as president.

1996; Rwanda's first genocide trial opened for the 1994 slaughter of 800,000 Tutsis. 2001; President Bush permanently normalized trade relations with China. 2001; The U.S. announced plans to hold Taliban and al-Qaeda prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: A visual reminder that our priorities need to be severely repositioned.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in bar fight. 2) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 3) I wonder what kind of paperwork would I need to fill out to get a permit to set my neighbor's children free in the wild? 4) Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens. 5) (Indian warrior): Well, son, we named all the children after the first thing we saw after they were conceived. But, why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 27th: That Nigerian bank that is holding your Nigerian email friend's money that he wants to split with you was hit by the Target scandal. The question is who screwed whom? 

Birthdays: My friends Laurie and Paul - Happy Birthday 19XX, Johannes Kepler, astronomer 1571, Sir George Cayley, scientist and aerial navigator 1773, Louis Pasteur, French Chemist 1822, Sydney Greenstreet, actor 1879, Marlene Dietrich, actress 1901, Gerard Depardieu, actor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An American and a Russian were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The American nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

 The trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off?" The American replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

Job Interview: Human Resources Manager, "What is your greatest weakness?" Older Man, "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager. "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Older Man. "I don't really give a shit what you think."

No rhyme or reason other than that I used to listen to "The Lone Ranger" on the radio and TV and my favorite horse was "Silver"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At the end of the 2013 tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of the local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" The CFO, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

The auditor replied, "Oh", disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. He asked, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast?" The CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him, replied,  "Ah yes, we save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

The auditor replied, "I see", thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. He went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" The CFO answered, "Here, too, we do not waste. What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic,but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

The young man continued, "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "

The young man went on, "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "

That's it for today, my little goldfish. Remember, men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success. I'm going to ease on over to AREA 51 for happy hour and a little recreation.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Very good logical opening (even with out a teleprompter i think).
Loved the printables especially the hoffa pic, good idea.
TAzer was good. But I don't understand the problem with the name! (LOL)
The laughs were very good but I am now trying to read them slower and not lose my drink thru my nose.
Nite.... from The north end of Florida's main street.