Monday, December 2, 2013
Today is the big Cyber Monday sale across America, so I camped out in front of my computer for one of those hot deals. Of course, I forgot that today is also Cyber Sex Monday, so it got a bit awkward.
It was even worse for Uncle Larry who was trying to juggle Cyber Monday, Cyber Sex Monday and Fiber Monday. Ol' Larry needs to buy a new computer monitor and glasses because of his activities on Cyber Sex Mondays. Larry was almost finished purchasing his glasses when the Fiber kicked in. Uncle Larry didn't know whether to shit or go blind.
The good thing about Cyber Monday is that nobody has ever been robbed, trampled or tasered while shopping online. You car uses hardly any gas and a fine lunch is served promptly without any chance of food poisoning.....
The News As I See It: According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn't ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don't know how to open their email.
Obama's wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.
They really bungled the Obamacare rollout. It just wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.
A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.
In New York City, they have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He's 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She's a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice. The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He's a former leprechaun.
This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry.
1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago. 1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute."
1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established. 1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation. 1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation.
1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.
Picture Of The Day: Like an old pick-up line or refried beans, the phrase just keeps coming up.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's an awesome new machine at the gym. Its got Snickers, Skittles…everything! 2) Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10th, you should be sent to a concentration camp. 3) My girlfriend asked if I was going to take out the trash. I told her I didn't know her mother needed a ride home. Most of the bleeding has stopped now. 4) I don't know the full history of the US and Canada but somehow we ended up with joint custody of the geese. 5) I don't normally go to the bathroom with the door open, but I didn't want to miss the in flight movie.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 2nd: This week may cause some problems for you as some of your secrets are shared across the Internet. Don't be overly concerned though as most of the pictures didn't upload correctly and are now posted on an obscure site called Larry's Leftovers.
Birthdays: Peter Carl Goldmark, inventor and engineer 1906, Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, attorney general 1924, Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actress, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. She says, "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in."
Granny continued, "Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
The grandson responded, "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? His grandmother replied, "What? You're coming empty handed?"
This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa and Bell customer service representatives. It's getting ugly.....
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: It's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, Blacks, the Polish, the Chinese the French, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims. The sooner we are all on the same level playing field, the better.
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your ass with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
That's it for today, my little cyber shoppers. A suggestion for Milk of Magnesia manufacturers Please add: '"Don't trust a fart" to your side effects label.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !