Wednesday, December 18, 2013
A Case Of Reptile Dysfunction
Watching Animal Planet yesterday, I happened to see a picture of a lizard that looked somewhat like the salamander above, except the lizard I encountered was not a salamander. A few years ago, I was watching TV on a Monday night when one about 14 inches long walked out of my bathroom.
These lizards are not indigenous to Miami and I had never seen one before. Moreover, it scared the crap out of me. Understand, that I have literally waded and fished in alligator infested waters and, as a kid, have searched for and caught various lizards and snakes.
The only way that this guy could have come out of my bathroom would be via the plumbing, the thought of which still unnerves me. But this species was new to me and I immediately looked for a way to help it out of my house.
As I inched over to grab a broom, I glanced away for a moment and when I looked back, he had disappeared. Add to the picture that Johnnie Walker Black and I had been carousing and drinking all evening.
So, there I sat....scotch in one hand and the broom in the other, with reptile dysfunction and waiting for the lizard to show himself so that I could go to bed and sleep in peace. Fortunately (for both of us), he finally came out and I escorted him to the sliding glass door where he slipped into the darkness.....
The News As I See It: China became the third nation to land on the moon. I'm happy for China. Sending a rover to the moon is really impressive. These days our government can't even get a website to work. Here's what I know about the moon. It's pale and white and on some nights I stare at it for hours at a time. No, wait, I'm thinking of Anderson Cooper.
That fake sign language guy said the problem was he heard voices in his head. One of the voices said, "Maybe you should learn sign language."
The Obamacare website was down over the weekend. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up.
A football player from Troy University in Alabama has been arrested for murder. Sounds like he's ready for the NFL.
This Date In History: 1737; Violin maker Antonio Stradivari died in Cremona, Italy. 1787; New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1865; Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.
1892; Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker Suite" premiered at St. Petersburg's Maryinksy Theatre. 1944; The Supreme Court upheld the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans. 1956; Japan was admitted to the United Nations.
1957; The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania became the first civilian nuclear facility to generate electricity in the United States. 1969; The British Parliament abolished the death penalty for murder. 2000; George W. Bush received 271 votes in the delayed Electoral College balloting.
Picture Of The Day: The wise old owl is today's picture theme excepting the malicious little lizard with whom I had a run-in.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons. 2) I haven't worn a watch in 20 years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 3) My coworker doesn't like me which is weird because his wife does. 4) I'm going to change my Facebook name to "Benefits", so that when you add me it will say, "You are now friends with benefits." 5) As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 18th: The government will not allow you to do what you want. You may hear good news today from an excitable old lady who may turn out to be drunk. Live like you would like and you will part this world a happier person.
Birthdays: My friends Bob and Donna - Happy Birthday 19XX, Paul Klee, artist 1879, Ty Cobb, baseball player 1886, Edwin Armstrong, engineer and radio inventor 1890, Fletcher Henderson, jazz composer and pianist 1897, Benjamin O. Davis, Jr. air force general 1912, Willy Brandt, political leader 1913, Betty Grable, actress 1916, Ossie Davis, actor, director, screenwriter 1917, Ramsey Clark, attorney general 1927, Keith Richards, musician, songwriter 1943, Steven Spielberg, American Film Director 1946, Ray Liotta, actor 1954, Brad Pitt, actor 1963, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, tennis player 1971, Katie Holmes, actress 1978, Christina Aguilera, singer 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"
A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out, "May Day! May Day! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." The voice on the radio says, "Ok, repeat after me: Our Father Who are in Heaven…."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Mike and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
The officer replies, "Ma'am, You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." The woman said, "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly....Twenty-Two miles an hour!"
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
The officer said, "Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." The woman replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Washington state There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember,\the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses is that carbon monoxide is a silent killer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !