Wednesday, December 4, 2013
"Our toes look nothing like that!" - Camels
Obamacare costs have exceeded one billion dollars thus far. The population of the United States is around 300 million. You could give every man, woman and child three million dollars each and avoid the daily dose of White House bullshit. Of course, all the lies, thievery and graft would be eliminated, but life's a bitch.....
MSNBC anchor Martin Bashir, who made extremely crude and gross comments three weeks ago about Sarah Palin, resigned in disgrace today. My guess is that Bashir resigned before MSNBC fired his ass. Bashir apologized for his remarks calling them "wholly unacceptable." Bashir should have been fired on the spot and MSNBC received a ton of heat for not firing him immediately. Maybe he can get a job with Al-Jazeera.
The News As I See It: According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.
The White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. That's good because his current health plan doesn't cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare.
Obama said that despite the initial problems, the site is working better now and is going do continue to improve. A million people visited on Monday, mostly to see if they were covered from injuries suffered at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.
Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week.
Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free.
A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There's no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant.
Apparently New Zealand is the least corrupt country. The next five least corrupt countries are all in Scandinavia. Which proves that it's hard to grease someone's palm when you're wearing woolly mittens.
This Date In History: 1783; George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City. 1816; James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States.
1875; William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country. 1945; The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations. 1978; Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor.
1991; Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon. 1993; Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52. 2003; Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.
Picture Of The Day: There's just something about newly fallen snow that brightens my day. That is, on a sunny, windless day in a picture perfect location. On the days when it is overcast and blowing wildly, I'd just as soon be at the beach in Miami. But, that's just me.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I've been to in the last week that's had "insufficient funds". 2) The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. 3) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this? 4) Some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said. 5) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 4th: Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.
Birthdays: My friend Dennis - Happy Birthday guitar man 19XX, John Cotton, clergyman 1584, Thomas Carlyle, essayist, historian 1795, Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1865, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, pop musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa, of course, because the other two don’t exist!
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.
The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.
The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest. I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.''
The man said, I see. Whose clock is that?'' St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''
The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''
The man then asked, "Where's President Obama's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Southern boy who was going into the 8th grade for the 3rd time.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The private school student went first.
About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.
The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the Southern boy top that?! The clock started again and the boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
That's it for today, my little Auntelopes and Unclelopes. Remember, watching golf cures insomnia. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !