Monday, December 21, 2015

Last Minute Shopping

Today's picture will be a fleeing mental image for any man who gives his significant other a pajamagram for Christmas. It's also a thought for men who wait until the last minute to shop. I would also advise against tool kits and any product from Bass Pro Shops.

While these particular items or venues often have appealing products, Christmas is not the time to give them as presents. As a desperate last resort, you may try a gift card but it had better be a hefty one.

Last minute shopping has never appealed to me mainly because I don't care for mingling or standing in lines. It is probably the main reason I have my own business. When I do shop, including groceries, I normally opt for early in the morning on a weekday.

That said, for those who have completed their Christmas shopping, I congratulate you. For those who haven't, copy that picture at the top of the page and take it with you as a reminder..... 

There’s an annual contest at Bond University in Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a popular term. This year’s chosen term was"Political Correctness".

The winning student wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media which holds forth the premise that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.

The News As I See It: We are only four days away from Christmas. This is the time when we really begin to cherish our family and friends by rushing out to CVS. To buy gift cards, and finding the only ones left are for subway and dick's sporting goods.

The Department of Health announced it's extending the enrollment period for Obamacare to January 1st. What better time to sign up for Obamacare than the day we all lie to ourselves about being healthier.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.

1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people. 1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995 Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: The new Star Wars movie is treading on Santa's ground and Santa will fight back.....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college. 2) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush my toilet. 3) There's Jimmy and then there's Drinking Jimmy and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike. 4) Until they add extra fries and a martini, they have no business calling it a Happy Meal. 5) I'm amazed how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.

Birthdays: Henrietta Szold, Zionist leader 1860, Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879, Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor, composer, and pianist 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: When I was married, my wife asked me to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance. I told them, "Maybe she went black" and my wife said I didn't have to help the kids with homework any more.

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

He moaned, "Louise, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" Louise answered, "Even worse! You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

John said, "He's an asshole. Piss on him." Louise said, "You did and he fired you." John said, "Well, screw him!" Louise answered, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."

Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life, you horrible bitch." Th

That's it for today, my little holly boughs. Remember, the next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client."

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Always a good read. I quit shopping, buy the cheap cards and put money in them, everyone is happy. Sherry likes to read the great sayings, wit and poems inside the cards before she buys them, I tell her that is okay for the girls, but the boys only want money, forget the wit. She asked was that me also, "Of course not honey".

Anyway thanks for the education and wit here writ!. (I have been in a lot of toilets lately! ;-))