Wednesday, December 9, 2015
The Dorky Christmas TV Commercial Deluge Has Begun
Christmas commercials are making the television rounds and the latest ad shows kids going apeshit over the "Stuffie", a little stuffed animal that surely was written to pressure Grandparents to dip into their savings to make the little ones happy.
I also wait with bated breath for the annual Pajamagram commercials which tout how happy your lady will be when you give her your gift. Nothing says "I love you" like pajamas for Christmas. Fret not, though, her boyfriend will probably just buy her something stupid like diamonds.
Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the "Snuggie", the perennial product which I like to describe as a blanket with sleeves.Yes, the onslaught has begun so, cheer up folks, the worst is yet to come......
Politically Correct Word Of The Day: It seems that Obama and the liberal media are now pronouncing Muslims as "Moos-lems". I prefer the old version of "Muzz-lems". Speaking of Hussein:
The News As I See It: Hanukkah has begun and will continue until next Monday. I, for one, think it's unfair that Jewish people get eight days of Hanukkah and we only get to celebrate Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving until the New Year.
You can tell which of your friends aren't Jewish based on who had their phones auto correct to "Happy Handkerchief."
In the United Kingdom, a sperm donor has fathered 54 children. Today, he was offered a contract by the NBA.
Obama gave a rare national address Sunday night from the Oval Office. Hillary Clinton said it was her favorite episode of "House Hunters."
Bernie Sanders just unveiled a new climate change plan, and he promised to cut back on fossil fuels. Bernie really wants to cut down on fossil fuels — especially because they're made from his high school friends.
This Date In History: 1941, China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered. 1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland.
1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.
Picture Of The Day: Now these Snuggies are well worth the investment......
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A guy stole my bike so I got in a cab and said, "Follow that guy!" He said, "Sure, whats his twitter name?" We laughed and laughed and I need a new bike. 2) One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming. 3) Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine. 4) You know you drank too much last night when you have to use Google maps to find out where you are the next morning. 5) I remember when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 9th: Itching may be a sign of bad things to come. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. If find yourself speaking in different languages while smoking weed, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.
Birthdays: Joel Chandler Harris, humorist 1848, Jean de Brunhoff, author and illustrator 1899, Margaret Hamilton, actor 1902, Grace Hopper, rear admiral; computer scientist 1906, Thomas P. (Tip) O'Neill, political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas, actor 1916, John Cassavetes, actor and director 1929, Junior Wells, musician 1934, Dame Judi Dench, actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actress 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. Oh..., and they also go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man, Tom Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,"Mrs. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with a blanket before he catches a cold!
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Syria either."
That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !