Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Party Time !

It's that time of year to reach out to all of my family, friends and readers and to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Numerous parties are on the horizon, beginning tonight, and continuing through Christmas day.

Politics, religion and bickering should be put on hold until the new year at which time we can all resume our sniping. This will be my last bow shot until next year. I find it amusing and hopefully, it will amuse most of you, as well:

Holiday Greetings to my Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere .

Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To All My Republican Friends: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The News As I See It: We are just two days away from Christmas. Which means today is that special day when husbands tell their wives, "I give up. Just tell me what you want."

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. Really?

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: To all of my family, friends and readers, have a Merry Christmas and be safe.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 75 years old now and I have no idea where the hell she is. 2) A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win. 3) I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework. 4) "Latte" is Latin for "You paid too much for that coffee." 5) My girlfriend gave me her Christmas list. I said, "Isn't my undying love and affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store trying to locate a French guy named Louis Vuitton.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 23rd: All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Shouting "30 milligrams, Stat!" in a crowded place is probably not going to win you any friends today.

Birthdays: My brother Kirt - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908 Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actor 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,  ever single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should have known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.

The situation: You are in Washington, DC, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Obama who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

Here's the question and think carefully: Which lens would you use?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

That's it for today, my little Christmas elves. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a Merry Christmas and, assuming I do well on Christmas Eve, more on Christmas Day.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! He shouted. Oh yeah, Sherry had a brother born on this date, y'all might be kin! Happy Birthday Kirt...

I enjoyed the opening, fits perfectly.
If you take a bus from a party this year, I hope you have a place to park the sucker rather than leaving in in the middle of the street like you did last year!

Have a GREAT time over the holidays....

Tabby Catz said...

Merry Christmas Jimmy!