Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Counting Down To 2016

Tomorrow night is New Year's Eve and, as usual, I haven't made any plans yet. But every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and some form of noise maker. But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice.

I thought about making some new year's resolutions but the thought just made me laugh in that I haven't made any resolutions in years. The resolutions I made in the early years were broken within the first week. So much for that.....

The News As I See It: The time to make your annual New Year's resolutions is nearing. Don't worry, next week you can begin paving hell with them, as usual.

People in the news are asking where Condoleeza Rice's first name came from. Neither her Uncle Ben nor her less successful sister Apartamentarenta Rice knew.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China.

1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: One of Obama's famed dumb ass moves trading five radical Muslim terrorists at Guantanamo Bay for Army deserter Bo Bergdahl.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car. 2) They say children are a gift from god. I know several kids whose families should be regifting. 3) It's a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but I should probably go cut his hang-glider out of that tree.  4) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 30th: The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. That said, let your mother-in-law open it, just in case.

Birthdays: Titus, emperor 39, John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actor, singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966, Tiger Woods, golfer 1975, Eliza Dushku, actress 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register.

A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The man says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Hillary Clinton is out walking and she passes a young boy selling puppies. The boy asks, "Would you like to buy a puppy Ma'am?" Hillary says, "No, sorry, but we have a cat already."

The enterprising lad says, "But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am." Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods and Clinton walks on.

The next day, Hillary is walking by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton walks by she overhears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir, these are Republican puppies."

Clinton stops and says, "Young man, yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies and today you are saying they are Republican puppies" The child replies, "Yes Ma'am."

Hillary then asks, "Well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today?" The young man replied, "Well Ma'am, since then, they've opened their eyes."

That's it for today, my little prairie dog pups. Remember, lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a safe and Happy New Year's Eve and probably more on New Year's day.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Good idea, saying close to home. Lots of old folk in southern Florida, some still have a driver's license.

Take care and hsve a great New Year's celebration...