If At First You Don't Succeed, Do Something Else !

Did you ever have one of those days? You know, those days when everything you touch seems to turn into proverbial "caca?" Yesterday was one of those days and, oddly enough, it started out pretty well. That is until I decided that I shouldn't fix something that wasn't broken; I couldn't leave well enough alone; I wouldn't let a sleeping dog lie....and so it started.

I was pretty happy yesterday because my business received an overdue check and the timing of it's arrival was excellent. I filled out a deposit form and decided that I'd walk about a block to the branch bank to deposit it. I stopped by the local bakery and had a cup of Cuban coffee on the way.

After making the deposit, I stopped by the bakery again to purchase some pastries and a colada (a large cup of Cuban coffee that can be shared with others or sipped throughout the day.) Entering the house, I put the colada on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom to change into my slippers. When I got back to the kitchen, the bag containing the Cuban coffee had a wet, black look and I realized that the either the cup had a leak or I set it down wrong. Either way, it was a mess.

Cleaning up sticky Cuban coffee is no easy task and after I cleaned everything, I decided to walk back to the bakery to get another colada. You'd think that a warning light would immediately go off in my head but I was so content that I got that check, I figured, what the hell......it's good exercise.

Returning home with my second colada, I carefully sat it down and poured a little cup for myself. I opened the garbage can and threw the small plastic coffee cup away. Then, I promptly reached for the lid to the colada, turned to place it on the colada and spilled it again. This time, I not only managed to spill it, but I spilled it on my bank deposit book as well.

The moral to the story? If you happen to be an sadistic Irish spastic, don't open Cuban coffee within ten feet of anything or get a kid to do it for you.

The News As I See It: Under the new guidelines issued by the Obama administration, federal agents won't pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called "Don't ask, don't . . . What was I talking about?" The "balloon boy" saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father’s helium tanks were actually repossessed. I assume they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested.

In the latest news from the Pentagon, the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News. Former Vice President Dick Cheney accused President Obama of "dithering" over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Don't confuse that with what President Bush did. That was doodling.

Soupy Sales has passed away at the age of 83. His legend spans all the way back to the '50s and '60s, thanks to "The Soupy Sales Show" and "What's My Line?" Sales died Thursday night at Calvary Hospice in the Bronx, New York. At the peak of his fame in the 1950s and '60s, Sales was one of the best-known faces in the nation. Personally, I remember the countless hours of afternoon fun watching his show. Rest In Peace, Soupy.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat Award) goes to Richard and Mayumi Heene for their asinine antics that could have been far more dangerous if an accident had occurred during the balloon chase. Congratulations to Richard and Mayumi and enjoy your upcoming punishment.

This Date In History: 42 BC; Marcus Junius Brutus, the most senior assassin of Julius Caesar, is defeated by Mark Antony and Octavian at the Second Battle of Philippi, and commits suicide by falling on his own sword. 1642; The Battle of Edgehill, the first major battle of the English Civil War, proves indecisive.

1862; Otto I, the Bavarian-born first king of Greece, is forced to abdicate and return to Bavaria after a revolutionary government takes control in Athens in his absence. 1956; The Hungarian Revolution begins as students and workers demonstrate in Budapest against Soviet domination and Communist rule.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it was one of those days, but I'm not the only one who's had days like that. Today's pictures bring to mind the old adage "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." It's so true, my little sea monkeys and just when you though it was safe to go back into the water.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. 2) The only problem I have with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills. 3) I knew a guy who had so many blind dates, they gave him a free dog. 4) The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 5) If you teach your kid to be polite and courteous, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pierre Athanase Larousse, French grammarian, lexicographer, and encyclopedist 1817, Robert Bridges, poet 1844, Sarah Bernhardt, French actress, who was the best-known stage figure of her time 1844, Gertrude Ederle, cross-Channel swimmer 1906, Michael Crichton, American novelist, film director, and screenwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie said, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. As she pops her eye back in place, she says, "I am so sorry. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time and the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been so incredible! He says,"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " The woman replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye."

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. The sales clerk said, "Of course, madam,exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

The woman said, "Well, I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

The clerk asked, "What about your third husband?" The woman replied, "That one was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, always follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour maybe some nude karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !