Lettuce Pray For Peas On Earth !

It's Friday and I'm in a mood to laugh and have fun, so most of today's entry will consist of a lot of frivolity and photoshop pictures. But first, some thoughts about the news of the day.....

Chicago has been eliminated from contention for the 2016 Summer Olympics and CNN's Tony Harris was incredulous that Chicago was eliminated. Uh...Tony, perhaps you haven't heard about the number of recent murders and robberies by the thugs of Chicago? Those thugs would have a field day with unsuspecting Olympic tourists.

Barack Obama, Michele Obama and Oprah went to Copenhagen(daaz) to front for Chicago in it's bid for the winning city but evidently neither Chicago's favorite son, his wife, nor Oprah could not sway the voters to overlook the city's overwhelming violent crimes and it's inability to stop the murders, muggings and robberies that occur there on a daily basis.

Rio De Janeiro was awarded the 2016 Olympic games and although it's a beautiful city, the high rate of crime and theft from the illegitimate and abandoned street urchins there is intolerable. I guess the only real difference between Rio and Chicago, the thugs in Rio get "offed" quite often and not too many of the law abiding citizens care.

In Other News: David Letterman announced during his show on Thursday night, that someone tried to extort two million dollars from him or they would release information about sexual relationships Letterman had with two female staff members. Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau has announced that '48 Hours' producer Robert "Joe" Halderman has been indicted in the extortion case. Personally, assuming that the relationships were between two unattached consenting adults, I don't think that Letterman had any reason to fret. I would, however, have reported it to authorities as well in order to bust the scumbag who attempted to make the extortion.

CNN's Rick Sanchez has gone off on many moralistic rants lately. Perhaps Sanchez, a former resident of Miami, has forgotten that in 1985, wiretaps recorded Rick Sanchez trading favors with his friend, Alberto San Pedro, a self-proclaimed political fixer and described by police as “the great corrupter.” San Pedro was sent to prison. Rick Sanchez lost his job in Miami and was banished to Houston for a few years.

Miami viewers gave Sanchez another bite at the apple. He rewarded them by getting drunk at a Dolphin game and later fled the scene of an accident after he had hit a man, leaving him for dead. He, himself, was the center of a scandal involving the purchase of stolen suits. Hey Rick, what's that old adage about people who live in glass houses.....?

President Obama is coming under fire because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Whose fault is that? If the general wants to talk to Obama, he should get a talk show or go to Copenhagen. That’s how it’s done! According to U.S. intelligence reports, the new standard procedure for Al-Qaida operatives is to hide explosives inside their rectums. Either that, or they're just playing a cruel practical joke on Achmed.

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This Date In History: 1187; Muslim leader Saladin captures Jerusalem, capital of the so-called Latin Kingdom, ending 88 years of Christian rule. 1836; Naturalist Charles Darwin returns to Falmouth, England, aboard HMS Beagle, having spent almost five years away developing and researching his theories. 1901; The Royal Navy launches its first ever submarine.

1944; The Warsaw Uprising is crushed by the Nazis after 63 days. 1950; "Peanuts”, the comic strip that becomes the life work of American artist Charles M. Schulz, makes its debut. 1985; AIDS gains widespread public attention following the death of American actor Rock Hudson, the first celebrity to publicly announce that he had AIDS.

Picture Of The Day: October 1 was World Vegetarian Day. It was established in 1997 by the North American Vegetarian Society to "promote life-enhancing experiences of being a vegetarian". Besides the above captioned "picture of the day," the other two veggie pictures are appropriately named......"Carrot Top" and "Barack-Lee Obama." Scientists claim that vegetarians usually have higher IQs. I don't know about that but word has it, "you are what you eat". I guess that makes me..........a taco. What?!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. 2) For those men who have heard the acronym PMS but do not know what it stands for, it means Potential Murder Suspect ! 3) The Wisconsin Tourism Federation has changed its name to the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin. They changed it because its initials were WTF and there's already too many reasons not to visit there. 4) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 5) I purchase a whole roasted lemon chicken from Publix every two weeks and I always share some with my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway. Now, he stares at his cat food and then looks at me as if to say, "What, no chicken?".....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Skip. Happy Birthday, buddy 19XX, Richard III, king of England 1452, Ferdinand Foch, French general 1851, Sir William Ramsay, chemist 1852, Mahatma Ghandi, Indian leader 1869, Groucho Marx, American comedian 1890, Graham Greene, novelist 1904, Robert Runcie, 102nd Archbishop of Canterbury 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three old mischievous women were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then, an old man walked by, and one of the old women yelled out, "We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are. " The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old women said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The women asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" The old man said, "How in the world did you guess?" The old women snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread " She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"He said, "I want 5 loaves."She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." The old man replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Rose and Larry for their contributions to today's entry.

Computer Customer Service Correspondence:

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help! Thanks!
A Troubled User

Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and is designed by its Creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

Because of the recent murder of an innocent bystander by a gang of thugs in Chicago, rock bands are purchasing the new "Chicago Special Guitars" just in case the natives get restless at concerts.

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Murray Lipschitz's Laundry.' He wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Murray Lipschitz's Chinese Laundry."

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Murray Lipschitz's Laundry?' The old man answered, "Ah, evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?" The old man replied, "It's me." The tourist said, "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Murray Lipschitz?" The old man said, "Many, many year ago, I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, 'What your name?' He say, 'Murray Lipschitz.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'"

Two sticks of asparagus are walking down the street. One gets hit by a car and is rushed to the hospital. After performing surgery, the doctor comes out and tells the other asparagus, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is, he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

That's it for today my little pea pickers. Remember, don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. I'm going to AREA 51 to check on the children. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !