Scams, Spam And Utter Lunacy !

Don't you just love those daily scams and special emails that you get every day? Thanks to them, I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, my little Piggy Banks, when I add that money to the funds from the insurance clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate, I'll be rolling in the dough. That's not even counting the correspondence that I recently received from Publisher's Clearing House which said I may have already won $10,000,000.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 718 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Yes, thanks to them, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward my e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

The latest scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me twice Friday and 3 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

** In a rare news scoop, Jimmy's Journal has acquired exclusive photographs of the Nobel Peace Prize Jury during their intense and deep deliberations to vote on the ultimate winner, your pal and mine, Barry Obama **

The News As I See It: Pope Benedict has named five new saints to the Catholic Church. There are some who are questioning whether Obama really deserves it. The Chicago Cubs are filing for bankruptcy. Hmm, they’re from Chicago; they’ve spent millions of dollars they don’t have....I smell Nobel Peace Prize. Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the judges in the Miss America pageant. I’m thinking, “A loud-mouthed judge who likes prescription pain killers?” Hey, it worked on “American Idol.” The president says he wants to do away with the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s “Don’t know, don’t care” policy. Israel threatened to attack Iran if international sanctions are not in place by Christmas. To which people in both nations said, “Umm, what’s Christmas?”

In the financial market, the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and then in the UK, has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

This Date In History: 1066; The Battle of Hastings, one of the most fateful military engagements in history, sees a Norman army led by William, Duke of Normandy, defeat Harold II, the last Saxon king of England. 1806; Napoleon I inflicts a crushing defeat on Prussia at the Battle of Jena.

1944; Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, known as the Desert Fox, commits suicide rather than stand trial for complicity in the attempt on Adolf Hitler's life the previous July. 1947; Chuck Yeager flies faster than the speed of sound in the experimental X-1 aircraft.

1962; US spy planes flying over Cuba detect evidence of ballistic missiles, beginning the Cuban Missile Crisis. 1964; Nikita Khrushchev is forced to resign as Soviet leader.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it's the old free mammogram scam, a ruse which my ex-mother-in-law used to fall for at least once a month. Personally, I feel that it's a disgusting scam and the surprising thing to me is the optimism of the perpetrator. I mean, how many women have breasts that would fill that allotted space?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 2) Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 3) I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 4) Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza 5) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex....and that's five !

Birthdays: James II, king of England, Wales, Ireland, and Scotland 1633, William Penn, Quaker and the founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Dwight D Eisenhower, 34th president of the United States 1890, e. e. cummings, American poet 1894, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, American fashion designer 1939, Cliff Richard, pop singer 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

** The scam isn't that that Prez George "Dubya" and English Prime Minister Tony Blair can play musical instruments. It's that both of them are pretending that they're intelligent. **

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A State Trooper using a radar gun pulled stopped two cars about 2 miles south of the Georgia-South Carolina state line. The Trooper walked up to the first car and asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, the driver of the second car, who had been drinking, got out of his car and watched the performance briefly. Then, he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian? He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up and says, "Covered wagon, about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

The cowboy says to his friend, "Incredible, this Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon." The cowboy says to the Indian, "Tell me Chief, how is it that you're able to know these things? The Indian looks up and says, "Wagon ran over me about half hour ago."

That's it for today my little orange blossoms. Remember, there are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !