Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween

Halloween is tomorrow and I always enjoy seeing the little kids dressed in their costumes. I'm referring to the wee, little ones, three to seven or eight years old. Half of those kids, at that age, have no idea what's going on but they soon learn to equate Halloween with free candy. The adults, on the other hand, are something else. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called "Blackula." Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called "Dick Cheney."

Last Saturday, I went to one of the local AREA 51 watering holes having no idea that the were having a Halloween party. Most of the women were exquisite but the men's costumes were really lame. It's bad enough that they even dressed in costumes but you would hope they might have had a little imagination.

We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate to wear costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume. Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy." This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.

At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

The News As I See It: The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books. Bush gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. He spoke for a half-hour and said he hoped his words were “inspirationistic.” Bush is really good at motivating. Last year he motivated everyone to vote for Obama. Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists who did not speak English. If they did that in California they could balance the state budget in a week.

President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. In a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban. Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, “Hey, Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?”

The Swine Flu scare is an easy excuse for cunning students with a little sense. The fact is that more people die from the common flu than the Swine Flu, but if I was a teenager, I'd be oinking like there's no tomorrow on those cold school days that are passed much easier in bed.

Is That A Ferret In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? It's one thing for shoplifters to hide plunder in their pants. But a live ferret? Police say a homeless man in Jacksonville Beach, Florida did just that. And he made it out the door before being challenged.

Thirty-eight-year-old Rodney Bolton is charged with theft over the $129 animal that police say he took from a pet store in Jacksonville Beach. A 17-year-old witness confronted Bolton in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face. That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law, so Bolton also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding a ferret.

I would like to sincerely thank all of my readers for their kind words and comments about my nephew, Jonathan Sullivan. His parents, brothers and sisters, and all of our families are deeply touched by your kind response.

This Date In History: 1831; Escaped slave Nat Turner is apprehended in Southampton County, Virginia, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave uprising in American history. 1925; In his London laboratory, John Logie Baird transmits the first-ever television pictures of a moving image.

1938; Orson Welles stirs panic across the United States of America with his War of the Worlds radio dramatization. 1961; At the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, the Soviet Union detonates a 58-megaton thermonuclear bomb, which at about 2,900 times the size of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945 is the largest-ever nuclear weapon to be tested.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pictures are always fun and this Halloween is no exception. There were so many good Pictures available that I'm going to post some more on my other blog. "Jimmy's Journal - The Original." You can find the link on my sidebar. If. by chance they're not yet posted, stop by a little later.

I'm not sure of who the top picture is supposed to be but it did remind me that I haven't gotten my tickets to Michael Jackson's documentary yet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say now is is healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the Swine flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square dancing across America! 2) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 3) Believe it or not, the hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 4) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope. 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd president of the United States 1735, Ezra Pound, American avant-garde poet, critic, and translator, who exerted an enormous influence on the development of English and American poetry and criticism in the early 20th century 1885, Peter Warlock, composer, critic, editor, and writer 1894, Louis Malle, French film director 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Anne, Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The Professor said, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "Sir, I'm a college graduate." The manager replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, now embarrassed that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

That's it for today my little pumpkins. Remember, if you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" There are Halloween parties galore tonight and I think "Father Jimmy" may have to investigate the flock in AREA 51 tonight. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Have a great Mischief night at area 51

Linda's World said...

Have fun but just don't let anyone trick you....Linda in balmy (temp is back up to 60*) Washington state

Tabby said...

Have Spooktacular time father Jimmy!

Martha (Menagerie) said...

You never fail to make me accidentally spit my beer all over my computer screen in laughter!
Have a safe and fun Halloween weekend father Jimmy :-)

Senorita said...

Happy Halloween !

You think that that man did with the ferret was wierd ? Then you haven't heard of ferret legging. It's a British past time of men who see who can keep a ferret in their pants the longest.

That line to your MIL is priceless !

Paula said...

Our news people had a field day with that ferret story. Loved the jokes as usual. I love to see the little ones dressed up for Halloween. They even dress babes in arms. Bet we know who eats the candy. I think the parents deserve it after carrying that baby all that way.

Pat said...

Love the jokes as usual Jimmy! It seems like Halloween is catching up with the USA over here, it's everywhere!
I'm going to see if I can post this aas I can't usually unless I go as 'anonymous'! ~~~ Pat