Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I've Been Absent Minded For As Long As I Can Remember

Since I have the memory of a mirror, daily exercise is a breeze. Although I normally try to think out my trips to and from different parts of the house, I inevitably forget something and have to get up again to go get it. The fact is that I have always been a bit absent minded, even when I was younger. Fortunately, in my youth, I had the wherewithal to successfully run my business, as well as being a father and husband.

Realizing that I was absent minded at an early age, I quickly learned that quick decisions without forethought could cause embarrassing moments as well as physical pain. You might think that I learned that because I'm just so damned intelligent, but the fact is, many of the lessons in life I learned the hard way. Look before you leap became my motto at an early age.

Case in point, while on my way to a business meeting years ago, I hurriedly got out of my car in an almost vain attempt to make the meeting on time. As I pushed the car door shut, it instantly dawned on me that I had made a mistake. I realized that the keys were still in the car. One might think that this is only a minor problem and could be resolved after the business meeting. One would think.....

The other problem was that the keys were still in the ignition and yes, the motor was still running. With the age of the cell phone still in the future, my options were; a) Enter the meeting late, explain my plight and lack of intelligence to my fellow business associates and use the phone to call my wife for the spare keys or b) Walk unnoticed the two blocks to the nearest public phone and privately make the call. I chose option "b".

Exercise? Not the way my brain works. I get all the daily exercise I need. I have, however, managed to keep repetitive trips to a minimum and I also carry spare keys for both my car and my house in my wallet. You can't fool me more than 42 times.....

The News As I See It: Halloween’s coming. The big mask this year is the Bernie Madoff mask. Or if you don’t want to spend the money, you can dress up as a homeless person and go as one of his investors. If you get the Bernie Madoff mask, you can bet your kid will come home with 50 billion Tootsie Rolls.

Happy Birthday to Angela Lansbury, who just turned 84. She celebrated at a party until one of her friends was murdered.

Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on her cell phone while she was driving. He read about it on his BlackBerry while driving to his office.

I love fall. You can really tell the seasons are changing. That thing on Donald Trump’s head is starting to get its winter coat.

A Southern California immigrant rights group has asked the Target store chain and a costume company to stop selling "illegal alien" Halloween costumes because it is offensive. It seems to me that the only people that should be offended are....uh, illegal aliens? Personally, I am offended that illegal aliens do not feel that they should wait in the immigration line like other law abiding people and if they are offended, I really don't give a shit!

President Obama has been accused of being too slow to appoint new judges. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the Obama presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres. A study shows that the phrase most often uttered by President Obama is, “Let me be clear.” The phrase he uses least often is, “Let me be specific.” Recently, while in New Orleans helping out the victims of Katrina, Obama was asked, “What do you think of ‘The Big Easy’?” He said, “Oh I just call it the Nobel Peace Prize.”

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CATAward) has one nomination made by two people. Both Joann and Lisa nominated Richard and Mayumi Heene, who allegedly falsely reported that their 6-year-old son had drifted away in a large home-built helium balloon to drum up publicity for a reality TV show. Investigators are poring over e-mails, phone records and financial documents from the home to decide what charges will be filed. It is expected that the investigations will take until next week.

In the interim, since I do not now nor did I ever have any doubt that the balloon boy case was a fraud, we'll still award the Heene family the CAT Award should they win. Should authorities fail to charge the couple, we'll let them keep the award anyway because everyone knows that the only unidentified flying objects worth mentioning are found in AREA 51.

Nominations are open until Friday at 12:00 noon, so if anyone else spots additional unidentified flying, walking or crawling assholes, feel free to nominate them. You can email me at

This Date In History: 1520; Ferdinand Magellan sails from the Atlantic Ocean into the treacherous passage to the Pacific Ocean that is now named after him, the Strait of Magellan. 1805; The Royal Navy, led by Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, defeats a combined French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar, ensuring British domination of the seas for more than a century.

1858; The light opera, Orpheus in the Underworld, by Jacques Offenbach, famous for its Cancan dancing, premiers in Paris. 1878; The Land League, a political organization important in the history of Irish nationalism, is founded in Dublin with Charles Parnell as its first president. 1879; Thomas Edison successfully tests the first electric light bulb. Prior to this date, when a cartoon character had an idea, a picture of a "candle" was in the enclosed caption over the character's head.

Picture Of The Day: The Heene family fraud launched a barrage of balloon pictures and, of course, I gathered some of the best I could find. This is the first time in weeks that an Obama photoshop picture has not dominated the photoshop world. Fear not, my little honey bees, Between Obama, Biden and Nancy Pelosi, there'll be new pictures after they stumble anew. I'm sure we'll also find some dumb-ass Republican gaffe as well. Ah, politicians....ya gotta hate them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. 2) It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. 3) I really don't mind waking up each day with a little pain. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 4) They say that money can't buy happiness, but I've found that it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Hyundai. 5) Do you realize that in about 40 years, There'll be thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, English poet, critic, and philosopher, who was a leader of the Romantic movement 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist, inventor, and philanthropist. Nobel's grave was the subject of recent controversy after this year's Nobel Peace Prize Award. After examination of the grave, it was discovered that Nobel's corpse had recently rolled over 1833.

Sir Georg Solti, Hungarian-British conductor and pianist 1912, Dizzy Gillespie, American jazz trumpeter 1917, Malcolm Arnold, composer, trumpeter, and conductor 1921, Ursula Le Guin, American science-fiction writer 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly pair meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off, sharing each other's values, enjoying the same jokes, and finding pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the old man asks the old lady to marry him. She appears hesitant and says, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but, how's your health?" The old man says, "It's OK. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old lady says, "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man says, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable." The old lady blushes, and finally asks the old man, "And how's your sex life" The old man says, "Infrequently." The old lady ponders this for a moment or so and asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

After having their 11th child, an New Orleans couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor said, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

The young preacher was delivering his first sermon at the Mount Olive Baptist Church and the congregation was in a frenzy. In the final moments before he ended the sermon, a young woman in the balcony was so overcome by his words that she slipped and fell over the railing. Fortunately, she was able to grasp the railing before falling and was hanging on for dear life. Unfortunately, her skirt rode up to her waste and alas, the young woman was not wearing her panties.

Concerned that the hapless, exposed young woman might ruin his first sermon, the preacher shouted to the congregation, "Let no man avert his eyes to the half-naked young woman hanging from the balcony or God will smite him and make him blind." An old man in the first row placed his hand over his right eye, turned to look up at the woman and mumbled, "I'm gonna take a chance on just one eye."

That's it for today my little chipmunks. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and an understanding barmaid. Remember, all AREA 51 bar and grills are approved pharmacies. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Thanks for the laughs jimmy

Paula said...

I don't know if those thousands of old ladies with tattoos will be running or not. Good jokes as always.

Senorita said...

I am glad that I won't have a wrinkly tramp stamp as an old lady.

That illegal alien costume does not offend me one bit.

salemslot9 said...

cartoon candle?

Joann said...

I already commented, don't you REMEMBER?!?!?

Tabby said...

I am a list person so I do not forget to do if I only remembered where I put that dam list! Have a great time at area 51 tonight have one for me.