Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Baby It's Cold Outside !

The weather gods really need to be sat down and explained the fact that Miami and South Florida in general, are supposed to be bastions of sunshine and warmth. Last night's temperatures reach the freezing point and combined with humid winds of ten to fifteen miles per hour, the chill factor was in the high twenties.

I learned how cold Miami could get in my early teens while camping in the Florida Everglades. Without the advantage of sophisticated weather diagnostics in that era, advanced warnings were "iffy" at best. Although we knew the weather would be chilly, we had no idea the the temperature would drop to the high twenties and we froze our asses off.

Although I've skied the winter resorts of Vail, Colorado and Lake Tahoe, Nevada, that night in the Everglades was the coldest and most miserable night I've ever experienced. Being young and relatively naive, we all had long sleeved cotton shirts but that was about it. We built a large fire and spent all night long making sure that it didn't go out. The only redeeming factor was that it was too cold for mosquitos, who normally swarm all over you in the 'glades.

Visitors from the north this weekend were certainly not expecting this unusual cold front in South Florida and needless to say, the beaches were vacant. This is the third day of cold weather and while the rest of the nation is definitely suffering more from the cold weather than Miami, it is still uncomfortable. Weather predictions are that another cold front will hit the area by the weekend.

The News As I See It: Congress was considering placing a plaque of the Ten Commandments in front of the Capitol Building, but it was voted down. The argument was that you cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. That's how screwed up international travel monitoring is. Senator John Kerry, a former candidate for President of the United States, has limited travel.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab stows a bomb in his underwear, pays cash for a one-way ticket after his father warns the U.S. embassy that his kid is an idiot and possibly a terrorist, and goes anywhere he wants.

Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico. Al-Qaeda has reported that Nigerian asshole Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's failure to detonate the bomb in his underwear was due to a wardrobe malfunction.

This guy paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Which is the bigger red flag in this economy, the fact that somebody paid cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?

Has everybody seen Avatar? Great movie! Even President Obozo took his family to see it at a private screening in Hawaii. It was a good lesson for Obie to see what it's like when something actually lives up to it's hype.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838;
Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph. 1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States.


1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, N.Y. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars. 1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding.

Picture Of The Day: Airport security is on everybody's mind right now and beside the fact that it is a very dangerous and volatile situation, it's also a pain in the ass. Of course, I like to look for humor in trying times and today's no exception. The only pictures that do not really follow today's theme is the pictures of the ladies.

These pictures have absolutely no socially redeeming values but the top left picture I found to be downright sexy and in the top right picture, I learned that I had been spelling Oklahoma wrong. Evidently, it's spelled "Okla_Homa".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It was interesting to see that, from my Monday post about entering an elevator and forgetting to push the up or down button, only one of my pals admitted to doing the same thing. Seeing that many of my pals are over 40, some of you are suspect. 2) Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep. 3) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 4) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 5) Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My friend's, Cesar and Espi's, daughter, Jackie. Happy Birthday, girl 19XX, Carl Sandburg, American poet and biographer 1878, Tom Mix, actor 1880, Khalil Gibran, poet and novelist 1883, Loretta Young, actress 1913, Danny Thomas actor, singer, dancer 1914, Rowan Atkinson, actor 1955, Nancy Lopez, golfer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, the attorney settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "Sorry, but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay like that until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says, "What's going on here?" Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't..... Not with a carnation anyway."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? " His attorney responded, "Yes, Bubba, it's true." Bubba asked, "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" The attorney said, "Yes it is Bubba, but why you asking?" Bubba said. "Cause was thinkin', can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. He then asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The women looks at him and says, "For a million dollars? Sure!"

The Lawyer then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The women is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?" The lawyer then looks at her and says, "Well, we have already established that fact. Now we are just negotiating the price."

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.

The lawyer asked, "Excuse me, but why are you touching my back?" The man relied, "I'm a chiropractor and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." The lawyer said, "Get control of yourself. I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

In a tight battle in the Afghanistan war, the Americans and the Taliban decided to sit down and try to settle the fight without further bloodshed. The Taliban leader said the their dog could beat the American dog in a fight. The American's laughed and said that their's was the stronger dog. They decided that the better dog would decide the winner of the battle.

The Taliban brought out a big, mean looking Rottweiler and all of his comrades cheered. The Americans brought out a very strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. All the Taliban laughed because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds with the Taliban dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over toward the Taliban dog. The Taliban dog snarled, leaped out of its cage and charged the America Dachshund at full speed. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened his mouth and consumed the Taliban dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

The Taliban leader came up to the Amreican, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for years with the meanest Rottweiler in the world. The American leader said, "That's nothing. We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

That's it for today my little dingbats. Remember, when you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Assuming it doesn't snow, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday

Stay Tuned !

9 comments:

Rose said...

Yikes, I have two pairs of socks on and my feet are still freezing! Hey, this cold snap in Florida is the coldest I've ever experienced.

I do feel bad for the people on vacation and wanted to get out of the cold from up north. Well, at least we have no snow.

Love you graphics.

Hugs, Rose

Julie said...

Wow, is there no place to escape this darn cold. At least here we have cold weather gear and furnaces. Do you even have furnaces in Florida? Burr, stay warm and a hot butter rum will warm you right to your toes, trust me on this one.

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy,
I sure hope it warms up for you fast! This is the week we usually spend in the keys at first I was depressed we could not go this year but now seeing the weather I am glad we did not. Have a good one!

Linda's World said...

Oh my is it cold there? Hmmmmm, let's see....oh, it's 48* here today. Sorry about that my little frozen Jimmycicle Linda in Washington state

garnett109 said...

Wardrobe malfunction , Jimmy thats freakin' hillarious

Paula said...

Neat place for a carnation. Go head nurse!

salemslot9 said...

my Mom said
her kid sister
in Orlando would
put on 7 sweaters
when it was
70 degrees there

Melanie said...

Keep warm my friend.....want to shovel??



Melanie

Pamela said...

Ok I'll admit it...we are absolutely spoiled here in CA! I won't even TELL you what we consider COLD! You will think I am a wimp...and maybe I am!
Stay warm! Bundle up with someone pretty!
xoxox Pam