Political Humor - The Only Reason Why It's Illegal To Use Politicians For Target Practice

There's a lot of things that are happening today that should make tomorrow's headlines pretty interesting. President Obama's scheduled State of the Union address this evening should be the most interesting event. I'm well aware of the sorry state this union is in, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Look for Obama to play the role of angry populist, while diverting attention away from the floundering Obamacare agenda. Nancy Pelosi has been cast in a supporting role as a sideline cheerleader of standing ovations on any and every utterance by the prez. Naturally, Joe Biden will play his normal role as a coat rack.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the House Oversight Committee grilled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner's ass on what he knew about an effort to urge American International Group (AIG) to conceal information about its bailout while he was chairman of the New York Fed.

Toyota announced that they will halt production of eight models which have been the subject of earlier recalls for problems with accelerator pedal, Apple introduced the new I-Pad (which looks like an i-phone on steroids), oh, and Elizabeth Edwards announced she is legally separating from husband John.

.....Every time I wonder where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry, deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot.....

Pernell Roberts, the last surviving member of the classic TV Western "Bonanza", died of cancer Sunday at his Malibu home. Roberts played Adam Cartwright, the eldest son of a Nevada ranching family led by Lorne Greene's patriarchal Ben Cartwright.

The News As I See It: John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain and their daughter Meghan have posed for photos endorsing pro-gay marriage in California. Senator McCain is very traditional. He believes a marriage should be between an older man and a hot-looking younger woman. John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. Now, there's a shock! Who saw that coming? McCain and Edwards were both seen shopping at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons.

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmopolitan magazine in 1982. Normally, you get elected to the Senate first and then you get caught with your pants down. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and sending them to Mexico instead. The immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger: "I'll be back."

This Date In History: 1880; Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad. 1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews.

1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert.
1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: They all lie... It's in a politician's genetic make-up, just below the theft and graft genes. You just have to be able to ascertain who lies the least and who needs to be in the cross hairs....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) This morning I had the new Minnesota Vikings breakfast. It's five different kinds of turnovers. 2) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: If you have two of them, we're happy. 3) When you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it's the distance to the nearest bar. 4) I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. 5) If you think you might be bored watching tonight's state of the union address, just grab a bottle of your favorite spirits and play the drinking game with a friend:

Instructions:

Obama says "let me be clear"...................Do one shot
Obama says "change isn't easy"..............Do one shot
Obama says "make no mistake"...............Do one shot
Obama says "jobs".....................................Do one shot (two if unemployed)
Obama says "health care".........................Do not drink, you will not be given a replacement liver
Nancy Pelosi claps like a seal.....................Do one shot
Joe Biden nods-off / laughs........................Do three shots
Obama says "Congressional leadership"..Do two shots carefully as all that laughing will make it difficult to swallow
Obama says he's "fighting for you"............Do one shot, two if you believe him.

You may not completely understand tonight's speech, but you'll either be blitzed enough to withstand it or you'll pass out. Either way, you're better off.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian Composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse.

In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man dials his home phone from work and a strange woman answers. The man says, "Who is this?" The woman says, "This is the maid." The man says, "We don't have a maid!" The woman says, "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Let me speak to my wife!" The maid says, "Ummm, she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What do I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone. The man hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone and says, "What should I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool!" The maid says, "What?! There's no pool here?" There's a long pause and finally, the man says, "Uh....is this 832-4821?"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Honey, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." Her husband replied, "Darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

That's it for today my little pea pickers. Remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. It's Hump Day and that's the only excuse I need to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !