Odds And End (And A Few Monkeys...)

Did you ever have one of those days that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and everyone and everything annoyed you? I really didn't realize that I was in a bad mood until I turned on the television to see those endless, mindless commercials that insult my intelligence. You know the usual suspects. Assholes like Billy Mays, attorneys touting injured people to sue for "injuries" from auto accidents and that douche bag from Cash4gold who tells you to put your "unwanted 'jew-ler-y' " in a paper envelope and he will mail you a big check.....ad nauseum.

Angrily turning to cable news for some relief from the commercials, I was even more insulted as CNN had it's usual far left spin on politics and Fox News had equally slanted far right opinion of the state of the nation. CNN focused on President Obozo's populist stance against the banking industry while trying to shift the spotlight from the ass-whooping the Republicans just gave he and the Democrats.

FOX News was still doting on Senator Scott Brown's win in Massachusetts. That's like excessively celebrating a touchdown in a game that you're losing 49 to 7. John McCain's reaction to the Supreme Court's recent ruling which allows corporations to donate unlimited monies to politicians was the only real political news that interested me.

The only redeeming factor from both cable news sites was the continuing mass donations and aid coming from Americans and other countries for Haiti. Contributions continue to pour in and I am hopeful that the majority of these donations go to the American Red Cross and other certified and proven charities. Even in disasters like the Haitian earthquake, there are those bottom feeding, scumbags who will attempt to scam caring people. Please make your donations wisely.

The News As I See It: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people. The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to Congress or the White House.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because, once again, they super glued their balls to their thighs.

The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political candidates. Beside the fact that it's an asinine idea which will further bankroll corrupt politicians, it explains why Sarah Palin just accepted one million dollars to change her name to Pizza Hut.

Wednesday was President Obama's first anniversary in office. Traditionally, on the first anniversary, you're supposed to give paper, so I emailed him a birth certificate. He has three years left in office, but NBC has offered him $45 million to leave altogether. The cable news networks are talking about how much Obama's approval ratings have dropped, but rest assured, he is still the most popular Black president in American history.

This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens). 1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg.

1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, N.J. 1973; Former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64. 1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Seemingly, some people just might be a monkey's uncle or aunt. I took a little liberty with some of our media and movie types and formed a little troupe for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have yet to figure out why they make the lid on a pickle jar so hard to open. Then, after you've used every ounce of strength to open the son-of-a-bitch, the pickle juice spills everywhere. 2) Is it me or do all the world's weird and ugly people shop at Walmart? 3) There’s a new iPhone app that translates a baby’s cry into words. The most common translation? "Can you stop looking at your damn iPhone for one second and pick me up? I’m a crying baby!" 4) Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. 5) Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey. What the hell are we thinking?!.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Francis Bacon, philosopher 1561, John Winthrop, colonial governor 1588, Andre Marie Ampere, physicist 1775 George Gordon Noel Byron, poet 1788, August Strindberg, dramatist 1849, Beatrice Potter Webb, socialist economist 1858, D.W. Griffith, filmmaker 1880, U Thant, U.N. statesman 1909, Bill Bixby, actor, TV director 1934, Diane Lane, actor 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee said, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." The first bee says, "That's no problem! Just fly down five blocks and turn left until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee says, "Thanks for the tip."

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and huge floral arrangements on every table." The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee said, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. Inside, next to the paper roll, he saw four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

A man was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As he checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked him some standard security questions. The agent says,"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" The man says, "My mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son." The agent looked at the man very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"

That's it for today my little hamburglars. Remember, a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. With that though in mind, I'm going to AREA 51 to see if I can find who I forgot about. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !