Monday, January 4, 2010

My Answer To Unnecessary Airport Screening? Fly Naked !

2010 feels like it's going to be better. I'm not sure why, but it just feels that way to me. The weekend was good for me and I managed to get in and out of trouble in one fell swoop. If that's an early indication of the rest of my year, 2010 will be great.

After grocery shopping yesterday, I stopped by a friend's apartment to visit. Upon entering her apartment, I realized I had left a little gift I had for her in my car and I excused myself to retrieve it. I entered the elevator and went to the bottom floor, went to the parking lot and got the gift. Upon entering the elevator, I was preoccupied with repairing part of the wrapping that had come undone and spent a few moments repairing it.

In the interim, I received a phone call from another friend and we spent a few minutes chatting. After the conversation and checking the wrapping again to see if the repair that I made was holding up, I realized that the elevator wasn't moving.

Suddenly, the elevator door open and a young lady was standing there waiting to enter the elevator. I held the elevator door for the lady, then exited. As I looked around, I realized I was still on the ground floor. Evidently, I never pushed the up button in the elevator and had spent all that time just standing there fumbling around with the gift.

A bit embarrassed, I re-entered the elevator, made sure I pushed the up button and went to my friend's apartment. As I entered her apartment, I was surprised to see the same young lady that I was waiting for the elevator. My friend introduced me and said, "This is the guy I was telling you about." The rest of the afternoon went smoothly.

When I got home, I was pleased how everything turned out, especially under the circumstances. It's difficult enough to be suave and debonair, especially when I could have thought that I was trapped in the elevator, called my friend, or 911, or both. I can hear it now.....

911 Operator: 911 - What is your emergency? Me: I'm stuck in an elevator.

911 Operator: "Sir, have you pushed the up button or the door open button?" Me: "Uh, Never mind....."

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

The News As I See It: It seems that everyone is out to top Tiger Wood's asshole move of 2009. Actor Charlie Sheen managed to earn himself a weekend in jail for attacking his wife. Maybe it's something in their jeans, I mean genes.

Airports are scenes of mass confusion and long lines while the flying public is being searched and x-rayed for possible explosives. The only good thing that has happened so far is that politicians and public officials are now beginning to espouse a thought I've had for years. Maybe we should start profiling! Uh, Duh!

Between Nigeria and Yemen its hard to decide which one should be blown off the map first. Somalia's street monkey pirates and Nigeria's terrorists and email scammers are at the top of the list, but Yemen and it's radical Muslim cleric, Anwar al-Aulaqi, who was born in the United States, is running a close second. Yemen was also the site of the fatal attack on the USS Cole, as well.

This Date In History: 1885; Dr. William W. Grant of Davenport, Iowa, performed what is thought to be the first appendectomy. 1896; Utah was admitted as 45th state in the United States. 1904; In Gonzales v. Williams, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that citizens of Puerto Rico are not aliens and can enter the U.S. freely. 1948; Burma (Myanmar) gained independence from Great Britain.

1951; During the Korean War, North Korean and Communist Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson outlined his "Great Society" in his State of the Union address. 1999; Former wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as Minnesota's governor.

1999; The U.S. Mint began distributing the 50 State Quarters. 2007; California Democrat Nancy Pelosi becomes the first woman U.S. Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Picture Of The Day: With the current flying restrictions and ensuing chaos, I figured that, other than dropping a nuclear bomb on the entire middle east, I'd give you some visual examples of how I would detect and solve the current flying problems. Of course, I always have a few pictures of my favorite assholes of the week, especially Charlie Sheen.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A few years ago, I was partying in AREA 51 with a lady friend and we decided that we'd leave our cars and take a taxi to another bar. The taxi driver ended up drinking with us at the next bar and he had to leave his taxi there and the three of us had to call a second taxi. 2) I saw the words to the fairy tale "Ding Dong Dell" in print the other day and I realized that it sounds a bit risque. Either that or the author must have been drinking. 3) Kids in the back seat cause accidents and accidents in the back seat cause kids. 4) There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 5) Impotence is just nature's way of saying "No hard feelings.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Linda in Washington. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Sir Isaac Newton, mathematician, scientist 1643, Benjamin Rush, physician, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1746, Louis Braille, inventor of Braille system 1809, Sir Isaac Pitman, inventor of phonographic shorthand 1813, Tom Thumb, entertainer 1838, Jane Wyman, actress, producer 1914, Floyd Patterson, boxer 1935.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" The pilot says, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner, wine and dine her, take her back to my room and do her!"

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

While running through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a jogger came upon a guy hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm listening to the music of the tree." The jogger said, "You've gotta be kiddin' me." The man said, "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the jogger says, "Well, OK..."So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" The jogger told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job.

The manager says, "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." The kid's first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asks, "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$115,000." The boss says, "$115,00? What the hell did you sell for that amount?"

The kid says, "First I sold a man some fishing tackle and then I sold him a new fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy some fishing tackle and you sold him a boat and a truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

That's it for today my little flapjacks. Remember, I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Sugar said...


Senorita said...

Glad you had a happy New Year. Hope you have a great 2010 ! Those images in my head of naked buts touching airplane seats are just disturbing.

Anne said...

As usual, you keep me entertained. Fly naked? Only with an apron! haaaaaaaa Anne

kbear said...

first, thanks for joining my blog. i shall do the same with yours especially after reading such entertaining hilarious! your blog will be a great way to start my day. have a great one!

Coelha :B said...

Oh gosh... I will never fly again if that is the case! Where did you get that photo?! As for the elevator--don't feel bad--the same happened to me once.. :) Happy New Year!!!

Linda's World said...

Good one...I can see that you're going to continue to be in rare form in the year 2010. Thanks for the birthday wish, dahling! I printed out the email one you sent me & added it in with my birthday cards. Linda up here in Washington state

Missie said...

Your pictures have me lauging so hard! LOL

Julie said...

Definitely not flying for a long time,LOL. Funny about the elevator.

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy!
Happy New Year, I hope it was a great one. Sorry but I was kind of laughing at you for not pushing the Where on earth did you find that picture of naked people flying, that is great! I am going to try to be better about leaving comments.
Take care :)