Monday, January 18, 2010

I Hate Mondays !

For those of you that are members of A.A.R.P you may want to take heed of the following information. If there's one think I hate (beside politicians and lawyers), it's those "do good" advocate groups that, when investigated, you find the only "good" they are doing is for themselves.

CBS News reported late last year that up to 60,000 people have cancelled their AARP memberships since July 1, 2009, angered over the group's position on health care. The American Seniors Association is flat-out against President Obama's plan, which calls for $313 billion dollars in Medicare cuts over ten years. The AARP is widely viewed as supporting the president and Obamacare.

There's more to the story than meets the eye and after reading Internet articles from and others, it seems to me that there's something rotten in Denmark. I have posted more detailed information on my other blog Jimmy's Journal - The Original and I hope you will read the post for your review and comments. You can access my blog by clicking the link in this paragraph or clicking the link in my sidebar.

Here's a new aphorism: "The more body art you have, the more likely you are to be involved in deviance."

So says Jerome Koch, a sociologist with Texas Tech University's "Body Art Team" (true moniker) which surveyed 1,753 students at four colleges and found a correlation between multiple tattoos or piercings and "deviant behavior." The severally inked or poked at the unnamed Midwestern and Southern colleges said they engaged in, roughly speaking, more promiscuity, more drug use, more binge drinking, more arrests and more cheating on academics than their peers.

The new data also suggest parents needn't freak about a lone dolphin (14 percent of surveyed students had a tattoo) or a belly-button ring (37 percent had a body piercing). "For low-level body art, these kids are not any different from anybody else."

The correlation with deviant behavior came among the 4 percent of students who had four or more tattoos, seven or more piercings, or one "intimate piercing."

** WARNING Tiger shark spotted cruising the beaches in Miami **

The News As I See It: A new study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.

According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress. Looters who steal for profit and not for food should be shot on sight.

This Date In History: 1733; The first polar bear was exhibited in America, in Boston. 1778; Captain James Cook became the first European to visit the Sandwich Islands (Hawaii). 1782; Daniel Webster was born in Salisbury, New Hampshire.

1788; The First Fleet, carrying convicts and sheep, arrived in Australia's Botany Bay. 1912;The ill-fated Scott expedition reached the South Pole, only to discover Amundsen had been there first. 1943; The Nazi siege of Leningrad was broken.

Picture Of The Day: I received this picture from my pal Linda in Washington which ostensibly shows what the Congress is really doing while in session. If the picture is legit, it only shows why every lying, thieving bastard in Congress should be voted out of office.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a small boy, there was a kid on our block that was so mean that even his make believe friend played with the kid across the street. 2) I think that if I was in Mexico and I wanted to enter the United States illegally, I'd just grab a leaf blower, turn it on, and waltz right across the border. No one ever asks a Mexican with a leaf blower any questions. 3) They call it menopause because mad cow's disease was already taken. 4) Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 5) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Daniel Webster, American Statesman 1782, Joseph Glidden, inventor 1813, A.A. Milne, author 1882, Oliver Hardy, actor 1892, Cary Grant, actor 1904, Danny Kaye, actor, singer, comedian 1913, Kevin Costner, actor, filmmaker 1955, Elke Clijsters, tennis player 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Dave came home from the bar late one evening drunk and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. Dave said, "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave said, "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for and I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back right away." St Peter replied, "You can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad", he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?" Dave said, "It's not so bad, but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

The rooster said, "You're ovulating. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." Dave said, "Never." The rooster said, "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him. The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Wake up, you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." The mother asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

That's it for today my little mom and popsicles. Remember, experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

New ears!!!!! LOL

Great graphics.....hilarious jokes........great job Darling!


garnett109 said...

Loved The Last Picture It was beautiful man just Beautiful

Senorita said...

Cheer up ! Hump Day will be here before you know it !

madcobug said...

You're a nut Jimmy, did you know that? LOL. Loved the Tiger shark photo. The first part was pretty serious and probably true. Helen

Julie said...

I have heard nothing but bad things about AARP for years. You know they are in bed with your government by the fact they know to the day when every man and woman turns 50 and you get the mail to prove it. Hummmmmmm. Loved the jokes. And Linda's photo is legit, I say vote them all out starting hopefully with the election tomorrow.

natalie said...

Dear Jimmy,
Please come by and leave comments about the new year, Haiti and the victims and the Marines there,
Martin Luther king Day and just anything you feel like! My favorite thing on this entry was Jay Leno missing!
How was your New Years?
p.s. jeanette or "Inside-Outside Looking in" is ill ..please go by!

Missie said...

Have a good week!

Paula said...

Running late but good entry as usual.

Woody said...

Another great entry, Nice Job on the jokes!