Friday, January 8, 2010

A Way To Exercise That I Guarantee You'll Enjoy !

New studies show that having sex 12 times a month is the equivalent of running seven miles. Now, I don't know about you, but it seems to me that this is important information. I'm a firm believer in good health, but I hate running. I am also very concerned about the health of my lady friends, so I have alerted them about this news so that I can help them to improve and maintain their health.

This information has been useful to many people and many questions have arisen. For example, when I told one of my married pals about this information, he was ecstatic. He immediately relayed this information to his wife and she promptly went out and purchased him a new pair of running shoes. On another occasion, I told my ex-mother-in-law's boyfriend about the new info but he said he'd rather take up jogging.

The concept has other interesting social values as well. Men with lame pick-up lines can now ask potential dates if they would enjoy exercising with them. Wayward men or women could arrive home later than usual and when asked where they had been, they could respond by saying they were "working out." Teenage boys caught "in the act" by their mothers would have an appropriate and healthy excuse.

Candidate Obozo promised that health care deliberations with Congress and special interests would be transparent to the extreme. During his January 31, 2008 debate with Hillary Clinton, He said, "That's what I will do in bringing all parties together, not negotiating behind closed doors, but bringing all parties together, and broadcasting those negotiations on C-SPAN so that the American people can see what the choices are."

President Obozo, members of Congress from both parties and special interest groups have indeed all participated in negotiations, but those conversations have not been broadcast. Instead, the president has announced deals with groups like the pharmaceutical industry and the insurance industry after they were worked out in backroom deals. So much for campaign promises.....

The News As I See It: Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring. He says he may go work for the banking industry. If you have seen his voting record you would think he already works for the banking industry. In California, robot governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his last State of the State address in Sacramento. He only has 12 months left as governor, and then he will not be back.

Now we have to go through full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayak goes to the airport, there's going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts.

This Date In History: 1815; The Battle of New Orleans, the last battle in the War of 1812, was fought. 1918; Woodrow Wilson outlined his Fourteen Points peace program. 1958; Bobby Fischer won the United States Chess Championship for the first time at age 14. 1959; Charles de Gaulle became the first president of France's Fifth Republic.

1964; President Lyndon Johnson announced his War on Poverty. 1982; The AT&T Bell System telephone monopoly agreed to divest itself of 22 Bell System companies and split itself into seven "Baby Bells." 1998; The mastermind of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, Ramzi Yousef, was sentenced to life in prison.

Picture Of The Day: Today is Elvis Presley's birthday so a picture of the king is in order. I also included a picture of Elvis Obama as well. I figured since he has presented himself as the almighty and savior, we may as well pretend he's the king as well. Truth be known, I figure he'll pull a "Tiger Woods" stunt sooner or later and all of his shenanigans will come to surface.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A local man was found murdered in his home here in Miami over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer. 2) It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you! 3) "Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog....Dorothy" 4) The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. 5) Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edmond Charles GenĂȘt, diplomat 1763, Nicholas Biddle, financier 1786, Wilkie Collins, author 1824, Emily Greene Balch, economist and sociologist 1867, William Piper, airplane manufacturer 1881, Carl Rogers, psychologist 1902, Jose Ferrer, actor 1912, Elvis Presley, singer, actor 1935, Stephen William Hawking, British theoretical physicist 1942, R.L. Stine, writer 1943, David Bowie, musician, actor 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: For My Nurse Pals

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well soon! From the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. The cop says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." The woman says, " Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."The cop says, "Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. The husband asks, "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" The woman says, "He said the reflector is broken." The husband says, "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" The woman replies, " I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake....."

Teaching Math In America the 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In America in 2010: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la pro ducciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

That's it for today my little tater tots. Remember,a banker is the fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and find out which women enjoy exercising. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Missie said...

Sex? Well, as a middle aged mom with two teens, I'd rather go on the treadmill in a locked room all by myself. LOL

Senorita said...

I definitely could use some more exercise !

Thank you Jimmy for looking out for the ladies ! I know you would do anything for the cause.

BTW your word verication word of the day is "ainall" LOL.

Linda's World said...

Has it warmed up down there? 43* and pouring rain here today and I need to go shopping for my "Mother of the Groom" dress. YUCK!!! I hate to do that. Have a happy weekend & give PSH a big hug from me. Linda

garnett109 said...

Just curious Jimmy, Is masturbation considered as speed walking?

Julie said...

Well I shouldn't let Rick read this entry, LOL. Remember he has a back back. Your word verifications are darn right suggestive today. Mine was fockarec, Hummmmm, almost scary.