Monday, October 4, 2010

Always Take Life With A Grain Of Salt...Plus A Slice Of Lemon And A Shot Of Tequila !

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. Tequila.......leave shyness behind!

The News As I See It: During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. Last week, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon.....paper.

Democrats are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election? This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.

CNN fired Rick Sanchez for his controversial comments on a radio show. His afternoon show called "Rick's List" did not air last Friday. CNN has hired Elliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker. Spitzer, the former governor of New York, resigned in disgrace in March of 2008 when it was learned that he patronized a prostitution service called Emperors Club VIP. It looks like CNN is bent and determined to maintain its sleaze level.

BP has announced that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout.

Barack O'Bozo, in an effort to drum up support for Democratic candidates, has been traveling the country and engaging voters in a series of backyard chats. He was going to do front yard chats, but then you get the foreclosure signs in the pictures. Maybe the plan will work. Nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard.

This Date In History: 1887; The International Herald Tribune was published for the first time. 1895; The first U.S. Open Golf tournament was held in Newport, Rhode Island. 1957; The Soviet Union launched the first artificial satellite, Sputnik, into orbit around the earth, ushering in the Space Age and Space Race. 1965; Pope Paul VI made the first visit to the Western Hemisphere by a reigning pope. He came to New York to address the UN General Assembly.

1970; Rock singer Janis Joplin was found dead of a drug overdose at age 27. 1990; The German parliament met for the first time since the reunification of Germany. 2001 Authorities confirmed a tabloid editor in Florida had contracted anthrax. He died the next day. 2002; John Walker Lindh, the "American Taliban," received a 20-year sentence.

Picture Of The Day: I've drank tequila many times and I can assure you that it needs to be consumed slowly and with respect. Fortunately, I don't really care for the taste and other than an occasional "shooter", I don't drink the stuff.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Just once, I'd love to be in an Express Lane and hear the cashier ask the asshole ahead of me with a cart full of groceries, "Which ten of those items would you like to buy?" 2) I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round and gave her a taco. 3) The pet store wanted $1,000 for a parrot. I couldn't afford it so I bought a tape recorder. 4) Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. 5) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jean Francois Millet, painter 1814, Rutherford B. Hayes, American President 1822, Frederic Remington, painter, sculptor 1861, Damon Runyon, short story writer 1884, Buster Keaton, actor 1895, Charlton Heston, actor 1924, Anne Rice, author 1941, Susan Sarandon, actress 1946, Alicia Silverstone, actress, producer 1976, Rachael Leigh Cook, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, an old man and a young female.The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared. She came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?"The old man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that damned tiger out of the way!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's post.

A woman went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter, saying. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her." The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."

The mother turned to the girl and said, "You don't, do you, dear?" The girl said, "No, Mommy! I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" The doctor replied, "No, Madam. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. The second man replies, "Why of course." The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man answers, "I'm from Scotland." The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Scotland are you from?" The second man says, "Aberdeen." The first man says, "I can't believe it! I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen." Curiosity again strikes the first man and he asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man says, "Saint Andrews, I graduated in '62." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "What's been going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, the MacGregor twins are drunk again."

That's it for today my little dandy lions. Remember, the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

I tried Tequila once many years ago and learned very quickly never to drink it again! LOL

I'll stick to Johnny Walker or red wine..........that's it.

Hugs, Rose

salemslot9 said...

we like
"Lemur Street"
(and "Meercat Manor")

I want to try
Tequila Rose

jack69 said...

I'm reading along, a little snicker, from across the table,'You are reading Jimmy, I've already read it!" Oh well.
This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.

One of the best I have read!!!!

I have never met Tequila, well maybe in Alicante, Spain, ONCE!

Senorita said...

Happy Monday !

I never liked Tequila, so luckily I've never experienced and of its effects.

Paula said...

Love those MacGrager (sp) twins.

Myra said...

This was hilarious! A really good tequila won't produce a hangover...or so I've heard :)

Julie said...

Get the tiger out of the way, OMG, Rick is still laughing. Loved the 5 printables also. I can't drink tequila, makes me believe I can dance.

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Last time I drank Tequila I picked up a really hot Mexican/Indian groom from the racetrack! What a summer that was.. all ended too soon!

Joann said...

WHY are all your readers DENYING they drink Tequila!?!??! LOL!!! I'm not a big drinker (except for the occasional glass or two of wine), but if everyone else is shooting tequila, I'm shooting too!!! LOL!! I never drink to get out of hand.... but I'll have some, if it's good tequila.

LAUGHED myself silly at the McGregor Twins!!! LOL!!