Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Better Late Than Never ?

As you may have noticed, I'm a bit late posting today. I'd like to tell you it's because I had an afternoon tryst with two twin Hooter's girls. Then again, I'd like to rich and twenty-five again. The fact is that, after a busy day, I sat down in my recliner to watch the five o'clock news. I kicked back and put the recliner in cruise control to be a bit more comfortable and that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up to find my cat Possum S. Hemmingway comfortably sleeping on my chest with his paw over my mouth. I can only assume the paw was placed either to stop my snoring or to stiffle my breath. In either case, that's the reason I awoke.

Be that as it may, I'm sure you are breathlessly awaiting today's meandering thoughts. As they say, better late than never.....

Public Service Announcement: Lawrence, Kansas, September 25, 2010:

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. On the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1) The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2) The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3) The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4) After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5) The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know.....

The News As I See It: Rich Sanchez of CNN got in trouble and was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. If he had said that on his show on CNN, he wouldn’t have gotten in trouble because no one would have heard it. To make matters worse, Sanchez has been fired from his new job as Meg Whitman's housekeeper.

As a precaution, the State Department has issued a travel warning advising Rick Sanchez not to vacation in Israel. The White House has also issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke’s on the terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe.

CBS reporter Howard Arenstein was arrested on Saturday for growing marijuana in his backyard. Which probably explains why all his news stories started with, "Dude, you’re not going to believe this!"

This Date In History: 1927; "The Jazz Singer," the first full-length talking picture, starring Al Jolson, debuted. 1949; Japanese-American broadcaster, Iva Toguri D'Aquino (Tokyo Rose), was sentenced to 10 years in prison and fined $10,000 for treason.

1973; The Yom Kippur War began when Syria and Egypt attacked Israel. 1979; President Jimmy Carter received Pope John Paul II, the first pope to visit the White House. 1981; Egypt's President Anwar Sadat was assassinated in Cairo. 1989; Bette Davis died in France at age 81.

Picture Of The Day: How do you hide an elephant? Very easily as evidenced by the photoshop gang.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 2) Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Hyundai. 3) People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. 4) After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 5) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pals Nancy, Patricia and William. Happy Birthday, my friends! 19XX, Jenny Lind, soprano 1820, George Westinghouse, inventor 1846, Carole Lombard, actress 1908, Thor Heyerdahl, explorer and anthropologist 1914, Fannie Lou Hamer, civil rights activist 1917, Amy Jo Johnson, actor 1970, Rebecca Lobo, basketball player 1973, Taylor Hicks, singer 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: When her husband died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper and added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the morning newspapers delivered that a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

The widow replied, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he was.

An old man and his wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife says, "What do you think you're doing?" The man says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." She replies, "Put them back, we can't afford them." The man puts the beer back and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The man asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's post.

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church, they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" The husband, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "Well, that's the last straw. I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

Her husband says, "I can understand that, but remember, if we get a divorce it means we'll have to sell our house in Beverly Hills and get townhouses. There'll be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. His wife says, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier..."

A man left work one Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" The man replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember, where there's a will, I want to be in it. Think I'll head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Ally Lifewithally said...

Loved the jokes Jimmy ~ and the elephant which they really did manage to hide very well :O) Ally x

jack69 said...

Thanks for the laughs. But most of all I love me a striped Elephant. That dude is cool!!

Senorita said...

Those elephant pictures just melted my little heart !