Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hump Day - From the Latin: Humpeus Dayeus, the day after Amadeus

Clarence Thomas's wife last week on Saturday morning called up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas.

Joy Behar, the has-been, hack ex-comedian who is a panel member of "The View" showed her true intellect yesterday by calling Nevada Republican senatorial candidate Sharron Angle a "moron" and a "bitch" and stating that Angle in "going in hell, this bitch." Behar's comments came during a discussion of an ad that Angle released earlier this month. The ad focused on illegal immigration and opponent Harry Reid's inaction on the growing problem.

Lord forbid that Sharron Angle would bring up anything negative regarding the fact that 13 million people are illegally in America and carry on their lives at taxpayer's expense as if nothing was wrong with the fact that they are law breakers.

Behar, along with Whoopi Goldberg, stormed of the stage last week when Fox News Bill O'Reilly stuck to the declaration he made on the ABC daytime talk show Thursday, that "Muslims killed us on 9/11." O'Reilly said, "How did we get here? Were we attacked by Japanese extremists? How did we get to this point? Now the poll I cited was taken by CNN in August. About 70 percent of Americans, as I said, agree with me on the ground zero mosque issue is inappropriate."

Evidently, in order to fit in and be heard by "The View" panelists, your "view" has to be in line with their "view." Joy Behar was a second rate, foul mouthed comedian in her younger days and has carried that background to "The View." Theoretically, a view panel would listen to all points of view and then discuss the points with an open mind. That is, unless you're on "The View."

Barack Obozo along with Nancy Pelosi and other Democrats are complaining about "secret money" (campaign contributions by unnamed sources) being used to run offensive ads against their party. Like most of the lies and unfulfilled promises of our shuck and jive president, the truth is that both parties receive the same type of legal "secret" campaign contributions. The real problem is that the Republicans are getting more than the Democrats.

The News As I See It: It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of The Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the '80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his party to "The Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party."

Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Canada. Still no word on Osama bin Laden, but we got the Quaids.

There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted.

According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well, of course! They only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past with prostitutes, he (Client #9) usually pays $5,000 an hour. Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring - New York Times

Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.

In case you missed my Facebook post, check out David Zucker's spoof of "Senator" Barbara Boxer, who arrogantly and rudely chided a U.S. Army officer who referred to her as "Ma'am." Talk about political correctness, he should have called her a ..... Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

This Date In History: 1787; The first of the Federalist Papers, which called for the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published. 1904; New York City's first rapid transit subway, the IRT, opened. 1938; Du Pont announced that it would name its new synthetic yarn nylon.

1978; Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for their work toward a Middle East accord. 1997; The Dow Jones industrial average fell 554.26 points, forcing the stock market to shut down. 2004; After an 86 year wait, the Boston Red Sox finally captured a World Series trophy.

Picture Of The Day: Things that just struck me funny. No rhyme or reason (what's new).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, Vidi, Visa - I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 2) Veni, Vidi, VD - I came, I saw, I cankered. 3) Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around. 4) Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 5) Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: People who shouldn't drink and people who shouldn't sing.

Birthdays: Happy Birthday to my pals Kathy and Valerie. Happy Birthday, ladies! 19XX, James Cook, explorer and navigator 1728, Niccolò Paganini, violinist 1782, Isaac Singer, American inventor 1811, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th U.S. president 1858, Emily Post, etiquette authority 1873,

Dylan Thomas, poet 1914, Roy Lichtenstein, painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, poet 1932, John Cleese, actor 1939, Maxine Hong Kingston, writer 1940 Roberto Benigni, actor and filmmaker 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man said, "Well, it was like this, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

The man continued, "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the cow's ass. That's when I made my big mistake."

The doctor said, "What did you do?" The man said, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "Pretzel" hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "So, that is what finished him off?!" The American wrestler said, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer who says, "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it`s in great pain, what can I do?" The sleepy vet, tired after working all day and all evening, says, "If you`ve got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of magnesia, get that down it and I`ll call you in the morning to see how it is."

Next morning the vet rings ans asks, "How`s the constipated cow this morning?" The farmer says, "Cow? I said cat." The vet says, "Oh lord, did you give it the concentrate?" The farmer says, "Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small funnel."

The vet says, "Oh Jesus, how is the cat?" The farmer replies, "It`s out in the garden." The vet says, "Dead I suppose?" The farmer says, "Oh no, it`s out there with four of his friends, two digging and two filling in."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

That's it for today my little hanging Chads. Remember, The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women. Hump Day, a great reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Loved the video about "Titles". People are so damn hooked on their titles............LOL

Hugs, Rose

jack69 said...

Okay I keep reapeating, be careful when you say. 'this looks like yours!'

Thanks for the laughs and political insight!! ha!

Heli gunner Tom said...

I remember when Boxer aimed a gun at her audience...

Tom S

Paula said...

Guess you're having fun about now at Area 51 and I'm having fun reading your jokes. I laughed out loud sitting here alone at the cow/cat joke. Kid joke was good too. Thanks!

Ally Lifewithally said...

"I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." I'm still laughing at this one Jimmy ~ thankyou for the smiles ~ Ally x

Linda's World said...

I'm with Ally....laughing here in Washington

Linda's World said...

Forgot to mention that I watch 'The View' almost every day. In my opinion Joy Behar is everything you said and also a BULLY! If you don't go along with what she says & believes, she'll rip you to pieces. I do not know how Elisabeth can keep from ripping her face off.

Dutch said...

I should be reading every entry you do because I always laugh until I cry. Thanks for all the giggles.