I May Have Already Won 10 Million Dollars !

I'm looking forward to November 30th because Publisher's Clearing House told me I may have already won 10 million dollars. It couldn't have come at a better time because I'm nearly broke. The fact that PCH has settled a probe into its mailings for $3.5 million and signed an agreement to hire an ombudsman to review its solicitations, does not damper my enthusiasm. In fact, some of my democratic friends are so confident that the economy is rebounding that they're shopping around for pots to piss in.

PCH will boost efforts to make sure consumers are informed that a purchase does not increase their chances of winning. The company will also send a letter to consumers who spend more than $1,000 on magazine orders in a single year stating that most contest winners did not order magazines. This only reaffirms my investment logic.

These people should have been smarter and mailed their unwanted "jew-ler-ry" to Cash4Gold. They could have easily purchased most of their magazine subscriptions with the $37.53 that the completely honest Cash$Gold owners would have mailed them.

The PCH agreement settles a probe by 31 states and the District of Columbia. Washington State’s attorney general begins its press release on the settlement this way: "If dreams of instant riches have you buying stacks of magazines in the hope that the Prize Patrol will soon knock on your door, you may be disheartened to know that the only thing you’ve gained over other prize contestants is some reading material."

I'm unsure why everyone doesn't jump on all of these great opportunities. If they could elect a president on the American Idol theory, surely they would want to become a millionaire. In fact, in their application for unemployment and food stamps, they should use the same answer as our politicians do....

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Yes, I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

The News As I See It: The rescued Chilean miners were sent to the hospital for observation, except for the one with the wife and the mistress. He went straight to the witness protection program. The rest of the miners were finally able to update their Facebook status to "not trapped in a mine."

The White House said that the Democrats have "the momentum" going into midterm elections. Of course you also have momentum when you’re going downhill fast.

Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that — he said that Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012.

For the first time in history, there were 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September — 100,000 people were told they’re going to lose their house. Well....100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi.

California Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown's campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling his opponent Meg Whitman a "whore." Of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don't want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they just won't do.

The Obama administration has lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times. Good news just prior to the November elections. Is that lucky timing or what?

This Date In History: 1860; Eleven-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard. 1914; With the support of President Wilson, the Clayton Antitrust Act, which made it illegal for companies to buy competitors' stock, was passed.

1917; Mata Hari, World War I spy, was executed by a firing squad in Vincennes, France. 1951; I Love Lucy, starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, had its television debut. 1964; It was announced that Nikita Khruschev was removed from his positions as premier and secretary of the Communist Party of the USSR.

1966; The U.S. Department of Transportation was created. 1989; Wayne Gretzky topped Gordie Howe's NHL scoring record. 1991; Clarence Thomas got a narrow (52–48) Senate confirmation of his nomination to the Supreme Court. 2003; China became the third country to launch a staffed space mission.

Picture Of The Day: Ok folks, the ride's over. We hope you enjoyed the ride and will continue your stay here in Disney World Chile. The photoshop gang is now in charge of your next ride.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. 2) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows political potential. 3) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. 4) Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. 5) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it......and that's five !

Birthdays: Helen Hunt Jackson, writer 1830, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, philosopher 1844, Edith Bolling Galt Wilson, U.S. First Lady 1872, C. P. Snow, author and physicist 1905, Hiram Leong Fong, politician 1906, John Kenneth Galbraith, economist 1908, Arthur Schlesinger Jr., historian and public official 1917, Mario Puzo, novelist 1920, Lee Iacocca, business executive 1924, Michel Foucault, philosopher and historian 1926, Penny Marshall, actress, director 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly gentlemen, Morris and Murray, were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, Morris said, "By the way, Murray, how's your wife?" Murray replied, "I think she's dead." Morris said, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" Murray said, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cesar and Espi and Pat in the U.K. for their contributions to today's stories.

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man said, "Yes, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly. Then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then, hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" She replied, "Yeah! That's because the old bastard's first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia-South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly. Then, he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stutterer and Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up,"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley." The speech therapist said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

The speech therapist said, "How about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London". The speech thereapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said....."-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

Th-th-that's it for today my little jelly beans. Remember, the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. I hope Olive Oyl isn't at happy hour in AREA 51 this evening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !