Autumn Leaves

Name calling and smear tactics seem to be the new way of running for political office. Gone are the days of stating your goals and platform. Instead, politicians just lie and tell voters whatever they want to hear. Methinks we just ought to vote out every incumbent every year, in every election, so that they know that a career in thievery, I mean politics, will not be a given.

In California, the same tactics continue as the November elections near. Both Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman are so involved in badmouthing each other that the eventual loser will be the public. California, which has a deficit of around 20 billion dollars, needs a leader who can turn around the state's troubled economy and no matter who becomes governor, the state will still lose and bankruptcy looms. How's that grab your taco, amigos?

My newest video is entitled "Jump Jive and Wail", a big band song recorded years ago by Louis Prima and more recently re-recorded by The Brian Setzer Orchestra. I had a lot of fun recording this one and all three of the harmony parts are performed by myself. Sort of a one man "trio", if you will. Remember to mute the sound of my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: Forbes' list of the most powerful women in the world has Lady Gaga ahead of Nancy Pelosi. I’m not saying Pelosi’s jealous, but word is that she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit.

Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people. I believe the language is called "AOL Tech Support."

Former Vice President Walter Mondale criticized President Obama for using teleprompters. He called them "idiot boards." Of course, Democrats were stunned. They said, "Walter Mondale is still alive?"

Bob Woodward told CNN yesterday that an Obama-Hillary ticket is on the table for 2012, though some insiders say that Obama doesn’t feel he needs Hillary on the ticket. At this point, I don't think Hillary feels that she needs Obama on the ticket.

It’s Nobel Prize week. Alfred Nobel was a Swedish chemist who invented dynamite. It seems strange to have a peace prize named after the guy that invented dynamite. Gandhi never won the peace prize. Gandhi was furious over that. Whenever anyone brought it up, he beat them up.

President Obozo has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs.

This Date In History: 1869; The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, N.H. 1871; The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wis. the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.

1934; Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby. 1945; President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada. 1956; Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series.

2004; Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp. 2005; A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.

Picture Of The Day: "Autumn Leaves", a beautiful song that always comes to my mind as the season changes and the leaves change colors. Today's pictures do need any help from the photoshop gang (with the exception of the "California Closed" pic).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex is the only thing I know of that relieves tension and also causes tension. 2) You really have to love Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream! 3) Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children. 4) I met an obnoxious person the other day and I thought "aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution?!" 5) It's hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: My girlfriend has mood swings so I bought her a mood ring the other day so I could monitor her moods. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big friggin' red mark on my forehead.

Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón,, president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Chevy Chase, comedian 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with her and I would like to marry her."

I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again. If you lose, you must agree to divorce her....Okay?" The man said, "Okay, but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

An old man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widower. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replies, "Why of course!" The woman says, "Good! I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "No problem. Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. The woman complains, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says indignantly, "Yes it does and I can prove it."

With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find which happens to be the town drunk. The woman spreads her legs and asks the drunk, "Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

After hearing a man and his blonde wife's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. He suggested, "For example, you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. His hesitant wife agreed, "well, okay, but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second, you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Murray forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds and it had better be there!". The next morning, Murray got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Flowers can be sent to Lipschitz Funeral Home.

That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. Remember, as you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall. Happy Hour in AREA 51 seems like a good idea! I hope I can remember where I put my ladder. Have A great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !