Monday, October 25, 2010

Don't Be Confused - Halloween Is This Sunday - Trick Or Treat Is November 2nd

In the coming days, every slimy, low life will come out from under their respective rocks trying to entice you to give them something. These creepy bottom feeders will phrase their request in the form of a veiled threat, inferring that if you do not, something bad may happen. Yes, my little goblins, voting day is November 2nd.

In this final week before the elections, the proverbial gloves are off. If you think you've seen dirty politics up to now, this week will overwhelm you. The sad part is that one of the two assholes will win each election and go on to be a part of our pathetic government.

On a higher note, Halloween is this Sunday and although these ghost, ghouls and goblins will make similar veiled threats like politicians, but chances are you can buy them off with a few pieces of candy. Come to think about it, you can buy off politicians as well.

The News As I See It: Funnyman Russell Brand and songbird Katy Perry said "I Do" on Saturday night in India in a tight-lipped and secretive ceremony. Most people suspect that the wedding and reception pictures will be sold exclusively to British magazine, Hello!. I have learned that the real reason for the India wedding is that both of their laptops were on the blink and they needed an AOL technician to fix them.

This Date In History: 1400; Geoffrey Chaucer died in London. 1415; The Battle of Agincourt between England and France during the Hundred Years War took place. 1760; King George III of Britain was crowned. 1854; The Charge of the Light Brigade took place at Balaklava during the Crimean War.

1962; John Steinbeck was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature. 1971; The U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan. 1983; The United States invaded the Caribbean nation of Grenada.

Picture Of The Day: Sorry, but nothing says Halloween more than pictures of Nancy Pelosi. The woman has had so many face lifts that she has only one look and the photoshop gang and myself would like to applaud her plastic surgeon.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. 2) Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 3) Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. 4) Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 5) Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johann Strauss, composer 1825, Georges Bizet, operatic composer 1838, Sarah Bernhard, actress 1844, Henry Norris Russell, astronomer 1877, Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter, sculptor, graphic artist, and ceramist 1881.

Richard E. Byrd, aviator and polar explorer 1888, John Berryman, poet and critic 1914, Bob Knight, basketball coach 1940, Anne Tyler, novelist 1941, Midori, violinist 1971, Ciara, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" The boy said, "No." The judge asked, "Why not?" The boy responded, "Because she beats me."

The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." The boy cried, "Oh, no! He beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" The boy says, "I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge asks, "Why?" The little boy says, "They never beat anybody."

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. The speaker said, "In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question. Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask, "How do you make it last an hour?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions asking Larry, "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" Larry responded, "Legs!" The teacher asked, "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?'' Larry answered, "Pockets!"

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look and remarks, "That sure is a nice fire truck." The little boy says, Thanks." As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. The fire fighter says, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother, who didn't feel like listening to the precocious child, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.

The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." The stewardess said, "Well, then, go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that one you."

That's it for today my little Klondike bars. Remember, everyone cannot be a hero. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Hey Jimmy, I'm with the young thing in the rear, about the hour time!!

Linda's World said...

I'm not confused~I have mailed my ballot! Linda in rainy, very windy Washington

Julie said...

I am sitting on the sidelines clapping for you my hero. Your posts just rock.

Rose said...

I too mailed in my ballot early!

Ally Lifewithally said...

Hi Jimmy I say it everytime I comment ~ but you really do make my day ~ Loved the Jokes ~ Ally x

garnett109 said...

We pull out on time
Now that is freakin' funny!