And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

Well, next Friday is Christmas Eve which means tonight is the final Friday happy hour before Christmas. I'm guessing that tonight the beer halls will be decked with boughs of Holly, Susie and Maria and a lot party people as well, so you know where I'm going.

Although the Christmas spirit is alive and well, most happy hour patrons will drink to Potato Week, so a theme in not necessary. Nevertheless, I sure everyone will be in the Christmas spirit. It's Karaoke night so I'm assuming that later on on the evening, some semi-inebriated soul will attempt to sing "The Twelve Days Of Christmas. I can't wait until he gets to the part about the "partridge in a pair of peas."

So, I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour and see if I can find the nine ladies dancing and avoid the eight maids a milking and the ten lords a leaping....

The News As I See It: 7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. This is for people who find the idea of buying wine at Walmart too pretentious.

According to a new Rasmussen poll, only 23 percent say America is heading in the right direction. In Mexico, it's different. There, 77 percent say the right direction is heading to America.

Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, "Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks."

Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obozo has come up with since becoming president.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.

President Obozo met with the CEOs of top companies about creating more jobs for Americans. After the meeting, the CEOs went home to China.

This Date In History: 1777; France recognized American independence. 1903;
Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first flight in a heavier-than-air plane at Kitty Hawk, N.C. 1944; The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of holding Japanese-Americans in internment camps, allowing "evacuees" to return home.

1969; The U.S. Air Force ended its "Project Blue Book" and concluded that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial activity behind UFO sightings. 1992; North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) signed by U.S., Canada, and Mexico. 2010; Nothing actually happened yet today. I just needed one more event to fill out this paragraph.

Picture Of The Day: It's sort of an eclectic theme today. I started out trying to find pictures of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" and things just got out of hand.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult. 2) Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice. 3) Miami's a wonderful city although some of its citizens are very rude. I went to the library yesterday and said, "I'd like a card." The librarian said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of Miami." So I stabbed him. 4) If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 5) I can't remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll. I think it was called "Rumpled Foreskin"......and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir Humphry Davy, chemist, physicist 1778, John Greenleaf Whittier, American Poet 1807, W.L. Mackenzie King, political leader 1874, Arthur Fiedler, conductor 1894, Sylvia Ashton-Warner, novelist and educator 1905, William L. Safire, journalist 1929, Milla Jovovich, model, actress, and singer 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years.One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore. The captain of the ship and the man began talking. "I thought I'd never get rescued." The captain asks, "How long have you been here?" The man replies, "Ten years." The captain says, "How have you coped with all that time alone?"

The man said, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish." The captain said, "But ten years without sex?" The man replied, "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head in the sand. I crept up behind it and ..."

The captain exclaimed, "Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

One day, a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings.

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet sings Christmas carols, and says he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells."

The husband is delighted and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "White Christmas." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells." The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "White Christmas."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

That's it for today my little elves. Remember, marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for some happy hour Christmas cheer. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !