For some inane reason, I went to the mall yesterday, ostensibly to buy a pair of jeans. I don't like to shop, especially during the Christmas holidays, but somehow, I managed to forget that it's "the season." My first clue that it was a bad idea was when I got into my car and the dash thermometer read 42 degrees.
Further indications that should have set off mental alarms was the incredibly crowded parking lot, people overloaded with Christmas gifts and the groups of droopy-drawered thugs on the prowl. Still incredibly unaware, the intelligence light in my dimly lit cranium finally turned on and I realized I was at the mall at Christmas time.
Understand that I completed my Christmas shopping in early November for the simple reason that I like to avoid the malls during the holidays. Yet, there I was, old-timers disease fully engaged, walking among people, who at best, are completely out of their minds.
I made a feeble attempt to find the jeans that I wanted, but it's Christmas time and the only jeans that I could find would only fit elves or sumo wrestlers. Although I knew I could probably find some jeans in other stores, I decided that I'd get my jeans in January.
It's been a while since I've been to the mall during the holidays but the crowds and chaos only reinforced my thoughts about holiday shopping. I mean, it was so busy, I had to ride stand-by on the escalator. The people were all so rude. I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped, I was fondled.....and I’m going back tomorrow. The News As I See It: President Obozo is into re-gifting. In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush. 'Da prez couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do.
Since it's the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don't be surprised if they leave a candy cane.
A new food bill has been signed into law. It’s part of our war against donuts. After signing the law, President Obozo said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children’s health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette.
7-Eleven is about to start selling their own brand of wine. That's not new. They had 7-eleven wine when I was in high school. We called it Robitussin.
WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.
Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.
This Date In History: 1791; The Bill of Rights took effect with Virginia's ratification of it. 1890; Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police. 1916; The French defeated the Germans in the Battle of Verdun. 1939 The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.
1944; Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel. 1961; Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps. 1964; Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.
1966; Animated-cartoon pioneer and movie producer Walt Disney died in Los Angeles. 199; A demonstration that turned into a popular uprising in Romania began the downfall of Nicolae Ceausescu. Picture Of The Day: One good thing about the Christmas holidays, there's no shortage of wanna-be Santas. A few of them may be of questionable character.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started? 2) Suppose you were an asshole and suppose you were a member of Congress. Hmmm.....redundant! 3) Next month is the National Schizophrenics Convention. Anybody who's everybody will be there! 4) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. 5) A chicken coop always has two doors If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.......and that's five !
Birthdays: George Romney, portrait painter 1734, Franklin Benjamin Sanborn, journalist and philanthropist 1831, Gustave Eiffel French engineer 1832, J. Paul Getty, business executive 1892, Muriel Rukeyser, poet 1913, Edna O'Brien, writer 1932, Don Johnson, actor 1949, Adam Brody, actor 1979.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." The rejected applicant asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct." The manager said, "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed"
The rejected applicant asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager said, "Simple. Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.
A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The man answered, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
The guy pleads, "Go get help." She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss, he's too far in." A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" The sinner replies, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighs and says, "Very well, go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits, her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
That's it for today my little fruit cakes. Remember, the next time you feel like complaining, keep in mind that your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !