Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas To All !

Well, my pals, it's Christmas Eve and Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice, so I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles, and if per chance he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

As for the rest of my family, friends and readers, I wish you all a safe and very Merry Christmas and a happy holiday.

The News As I See It: A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants singing, "Do you feel what I feel?"

Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it.

Since "Don't ask don't tell" has been repealed, if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.

A women's sanitary products company has released a new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from Wikileaks. At least it's better than their last slogan: "Caps your spill faster than BP."

Congratulations to "All My Children" actress Rebecca Budig, who won on "Skating with the Stars." She beat the two other finalists: somebody else and whoever it was.

Odds and Ends: Donald Trump is flying JetBlue, but they make him put that thing on his head in a pet carrier. It’s hard to imagine Donald Trump flying on JetBlue, kind of like it’s hard to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One. The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is that more than half of those people are Americans.

This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber. 1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee.

1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal. 1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.

Picture Of The Day: Christmas brings an air of serenity and peace once a year. It is especially welcomed and appreciated during the difficult times for all families this year. Merry Christmas!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My sexual experience with her was like riding in the back seat of a car driven by a very smart kangaroo. It runs up on the curb every once in a while, but it gets you there. 2) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 3) She said that she had been married three times. I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 4) She had her period. I was a bit worried. The kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged, masculine features. If she is menstruating, however, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple. 5) Having sex with her is just like a rock concert. We yell and cheer and when she wants an encore, she flicks her lighter. Sometimes I tell her that Elvis has left the building.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1809, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says, "Been on vacation yet, lads?'' John says, "Off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

The bartender says, "Ah, England, wonderful Country. The history, the beer, the culture...'' John interrupts, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, ''So why keep going to England ?" John says, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

A man went fishing one morning but after a short time he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are great bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. The fisherman released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Julie for their contributions to today's stories.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough", adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

The teller said, "My goodness! And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

That's it for today my little Christmas carolers. Remember, five days a week your body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. Here's wishing all my family, friends and readers a very Merry Christmas and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Merry Christmas to you & PSH, Jimmy. Don't forget to give PSH a special treat....he, unlike others has been a good boy this year!

Rose said...

You crack me up! Yes, I beat Jack here tonight but not Linda!

Merry Christmas Sully!

Hugs, rose

Julie said...

Merry Christmas Jimmy and Happy New Year

jack69 said...

Dadgummit, it is hard to beat Rose here! It is something about Floridians, y'all stick together. I'm trying to fit in! Be down in four days!!!
I learned something. It may cause a little problem. I was stopped by a nice female state cop in Florida. Never did understand her kept asking Sherry. One of Sherry's explainations was "She thinks she knows you!"
If I ever learn to hear, she might be in trouble.

But thanks for the other laughs.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, and you are right, 'He probably ain't stopping at your house tonight!' It that naghty thingy!

Heli gunner Tom said...

Merry Christmas, Jimmy!
I am finally home, on the mend after that horrible complete Right knee replacement surgery at the Milwaukee VA. Lots of Port-Op pain, but I am doing the exercises that the PT nurses and staff recommend and slowly getting better.
Have a great New Year, Jimmy.

Warm Regards,
Tom S

Joann said...

Merry Christmas, Jimmy!!! Hope you had a nice one!!

Woody said...

Heres hoping for a Great 2011 for you and many more to come, hopefully mending, still planning for Okeechobee by end of January if not before.

Take Care;