Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sir, That's Not The Lunar Eclipse, It's A Street Lamp

I kind of missed the lunar eclipse that occurred around 3 a.m. early Tuesday morning. I'd like to tell you that it was too cloudy, but it wasn't. My pal Johnnie Walker Black and I patiently waited for the celestial event to occur. Around 2:45, I went outside to take a gander at the event and it was then that I realized that the tall trees in the neighborhood would seriously compromise any decent look at the eclipse.

For a brief moment, I thought I had finally zeroed in on the eclipse but with the help of my pal Johnnie, I realized that I was gazing at the street lamp. As I began to see that chances were slim to view the event, I also realized that I was standing outside in a tee shirt, pajama pants, slippers and a glass of scotch at 3 o'clock in the cold morning air. These facts mentally absorbed, I retired to my living room to watch the event on the Public Broadcasting channel. My cat, Shithead just shook his head in amazement.....

Jimmy's Journal has learned that a serious epidemic of the Bird Flu is spreading across the nation. The Center for Disease Control recommends that you should see your doctor immediately if you suffer from the following symptoms: 1) High fever. 2) Congestion. 3) Nausea. 4) Fatigue. 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: After playing the beautiful ballerina in the movie "Black Swan," actress Natalie Portman was asked if she'd consider doing "Dancing With the Stars" and she said no. The reason: She can really dance and she’s actually a star.

Vice President Joe O'Biden said there has been no "substantive damage" to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. Biden is right because if that were true, Biden would be serving life in prison.

A survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on their wives once they find out about their mistresses.

President Obozo read his new children’s book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction.

Odds and Ends: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is out on bail and under house arrest at a 600-acre estate. That will teach him. Assange is on a curfew as well. If there’s anything that a guy who leaks secret government documents respects, it’s a curfew. Congress repealed the "don’t ask, don’t tell" law. The Pentagon can now start production on "Iraq: The Musical." John McCain was opposed to repealing "don’t ask, don’t tell," though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.

1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people. 1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: Three more days 'til Santa Clause makes his rounds. I really don't want anything special for Christmas but I did email Santa and ask him for a list of the girls that have been naughty. Hey, you never know.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified. 2) Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest. 3) Never insult a police officer while they're doing a body cavity search. 4) Chastity is curable, if detected early. 5) Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.......and that's five !

Birthdays: I would be remiss in not mentioning that Brother Kirt's birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858.

Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress 1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, Wife of Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962, Jordin Sparks, singer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. Al said, "Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" Steve replied, "Sounds great, but how do you make it last for an hour?" Al answered, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Minnesota when he accidentally cut off all ten off his fingers. He went to the emergency room at the Clinic and when he got there the doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have the fingers and I'll see what I can do." Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? Jumping Jiminy! It's 2010! We've got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?" To which Ole replied, "Yah well, how da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have pieces of lettuce stuck in my ass!" The doctors says, "That's unusual. I'd better take a look" The doctor examined the man and turned to write on his chart." The nervous man asked, "Is it bad?" The doctor said, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his balls. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his balls.

The doctor exclaimed, "The pain must have been excruciating!" The hunter said, "It was! The second worst pain in my life." The doctors said, "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" The hunter lamented, "Coming to the end of the chain!"

A young boy of five was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile. I have to have surgery." On the day he was admitted his mother asked doctor if he could also circumcise him while he was asleep. The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore for several days. After about a week he got to see his playmate again.

His playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is that your tonsils ain't where you think they are."

That's it for today my little egg noggins. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. I'm going to AREA 51 and check out the happy hour Christmas party but I'm not going to dance. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

OUCH!!!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!! I can't even concentrate thinking about the end of the chain!!!! Hurts tooo bad!

Other than that thanks for the laughs, I am glad you realized you were looking at a street light, or you would have been frozen by seven oclock when it eclipsed!!!

(I beat Rose and Paula here!!!!)

Rose said...

Jack beat me here tonight because it was my turn to go out for Happy Hour........boy, it has been a long time since I've been out and Johnnie Walker was a delight!

Happy Birthday to brother, Kirt

Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

Bet that little boy wondered why his throat was sooo sore when his tonsils were on the other end. Happy birthday to your brother.

garnett109 said...

Merry Christmas Jimmy

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy have a wonderful Christmas and New Year ~ and thanks for all the entertainment you have given me over the last year ~ Ally x