No One Is Listening Until You Fart !

I don't really mind getting older and, in fact, it has some rewards. There are, however, some drawbacks. Yes, my little flatulists, I'm talking about the horrors of involuntary farts. As a young man, the ability to fart timely, whether sparing nearby loved ones of certain death or used as a weapon, was a major (you'll pardon the expression) asset.

Yeah, on any given day, I can get dressed, go out and roll with the younger crowd but I am finding I have to be careful. I have learned to try to suppress my coughs or sneezes in social conditions because they are always accompanied by the complimentary fart. Standing up, sitting down, bending over or lifting a heavy package always include the involuntary fart. The only place that it has not happened yet is the boudoir but I'm relatively sure it's just a matter of time.

The side effects of aging and the comments that come with it don't affect me. I have even noticed that it becomes humorous when applied to other seniors. I once complimented a friend on his new alligator shoes and then realized he was barefoot. My stockbroker urged me to buy a certain stock that would triple its value every year. I told him at my age I don't even buy green bananas.

Probably the best reaction of an accidental fart comes from my cat, Shithead (Possum S. Hemmingway). Some times he sits up and looks around wondering where the noise came from. Other times, he just turns and looks at me with a sneer. Just to be fair, Mr. Hemmingway is quite prone to sit on my lap and silenty discharge his own attack without the decency to tell me. We both laugh anyway.....

The News As I See It: Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital last Friday because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration.

Georgie "Dubya" Bush’s daughter, Jenna just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, "I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by....uh, someone."

A couple in Toronto had their Facebook friends vote on the name of their newborn daughter. So congratulations to the couple and their baby girl, "Like."

This Date In History: 1642; New Zealand was discovered by Dutch navigator Abel Tasman. 1918; President Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first U.S. president to visit Europe while in office. 1978; The U.S. Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the first U.S. coin honoring a woman.

1981; The Polish government imposed martial law in an attempt to crush the Solidarity movement. 1989; South African President F. W. de Klerk met with Nelson Mandela for the first time. 1996: Kofi Annan of Ghana chosen to become UN secretary-general.

2000; George W. Bush accepted presidency 36 days after election; Al Gore, Jr., conceded. 2003; American forces captured Saddam Hussein who was hiding in a hole near his hometown of Tikrit.

Picture Of The Day: You know it's a slow Monday when I'm searching the Internet for fart pictures. I began the search using the term "flatulence" but I had to lower the standard for the hard on understanding. The minute I changed the search to "fart pictures" the monitor screen came to life. Ok, it's not (ahem) rocket science but it amuses me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 2) My friend bought her christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. 3) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 4) Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. 5) A tree never hits an automobile, except in self-defense.......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: I looked up my ex-mother-in-law's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

Birthdays: My pal Janelle. Happy Birthday Sweetie! 19XX, Heinrich Heine, poet 1797, Werner von Siemens, electrical engineer and inventor 1816, Emily Carr, painter 1871, Ella Baker, civil rights activist 1903, Archie Moore, prizefighter 1913, Ross Macdonald, novelist 1915, Dick Van Dyke, actor 1925, Ted Nugent, rock musician 1948, Steve Buscemi, actor 1957, Jamie Foxx, actor 1967, Amy Lee, singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A came home and told his wife, "Guess what I heard in the bar? They reckon the postman has made love to every woman in this street except one." His wife said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis who lives on the corner."

One night, a man and his grownchildren were sitting in the living room and he said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So the kids got up, unplugged his computer and threw out his beer.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

All of his life George from Minnesota had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Fred took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Fred managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Granny, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

Some people are against drunk driving but, you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?"

The clerk says, "Well no." The man raged on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

That's it for today my little snowflakes. Remember, As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !