Monday, December 20, 2010

It's Last Minute Christmas Shopping Week - Let The Chaos Begin !

It's last minute Christmas shopping week which means that most women are putting their finishing touches on a well planned shopping season and most men will be wandering around the malls without even the slightest clue as to what they will purchase for their spouses or girlfriends or both.

For weeks now, most men have probed and questioned any and all family members in a vain attempt to get a suggestion as to what gift to purchase for their spouses. In some cases, women, who have experienced and witnessed the hapless husband's quandary, have just given up any hope of a spontaneous thought by their husbands and told them exactly what to purchase, complete with brand name, color, size and store location.

Although most men's hearts are in the right place, shopping for presents, especially for their spouses, is nearly an impossible task. Many have tried but after experiencing "the look" a few times, most men just give up and look for any hints or help they can find. Truth be told, most men would just rather give cash and go have a beer in AREA 51.

For your dining and dancing pleasure, Jimmy's Journal has scheduled a lunar eclipse for early tomorrow morning. Okay, I didn't arrange it but as many as 1.5 billion people worldwide will be able to watch when the Earth's shadow creeps across the moon's surface early Tuesday morning, the first time in hundreds of years that a lunar eclipse will fall on the winter solstice.

With the full moon high in the winter sky, the lunar eclipse will be visible from four continents, with the best views from North America and Central America if weather permits. The eclipse begins on Tuesday at 1:33 a.m. ET, when the Earth's dark-red shadow will turn up on the edge of the moon, according to NASA. It will take about an hour for the shadow to cover the entire moon. Totality begins at 2:41 a.m. and lasts for 72 minutes.

If you only have time for a quick look, NASA recommends that you take a peek 3:17 a.m. ET. That's when the moon will be fully covered in an amber light. Actually, on my weekly jaunts to AREA 51, that's about the time when I'm usually covered in amber light, as well.

The News As I See It: Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.

President Obozo showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.

Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?

Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.

It was so cold in Minneapolis last week that Quarterback Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire.

This Date In History: 1790; Samuel Slater built the nation's first cotton mill in Pawtucket, R.I. 1803; The United States purchased the Louisiana territory from France for $15 million. 1860; South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union.

1968; Author John Steinbeck died at age 66. 1989; The United States invaded Panama and installed a new government but failed to capture General Manuel Antonio Noriega. 1996; Astronomer Carl Sagan died at age 62.

Picture Of The Day: A difficult day for finding suitable pictures so I hope you enjoy today's selections. I think the photoshop gang is out looking for Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture. 2) A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. 3) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. 4) A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 5) A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: You tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil!

Birthdays: My pal, Missy. Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Thomas Graham, chemist 1805, Harvey Samuel Firestone, industrialist 1868, Branch Rickey, American baseball executive 1881, Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman, athlete 1886, Susanne K. Langer, philosopher 1895, Sidney Hook, philosopher 1902, Jenny Agutter, actor 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said to the priest, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main Street, he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. The reverend said. "Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Mrs. Fitzgerald, obviously very drunk, said with a slur, "Sure!"

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Well then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

That's it for today my little chestnuts. Remember, a hug is a great gift. One size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I'd be willing to bet that Favre could also sing as he sends the sext message! I mean text msg.

Four lanes would be about right!
Thanks for the laughs!

(BTW Got any idea what I could get my wife?????)

Paula said...

Enjoying the Christmas music while reading your blog entry.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Happy Christmas Dear Jimmy and a happy and prosperous New Tear ~ Ally x

Ally Lifewithally said...

I did of course mean New YEAR