Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Who Dat?

They're, their, there....are lots of reasons why paying attention in high school English class is important in life. Probably one of the most important reasons is that your future life style depends on it. The alternative is street talk, namely dis and dat, dey and dem. This particular style of speech virtually assures you that you'll never make manager at your career job at McDonald's. The assumption that one might even be able to conjugate the verb "to be" (id est, ad nauseum: I be, you be, we be) has realistically, you'll pardon the expression, "gone to hell in a hand basket."

Those who go on to an institution of higher learning have better opportunities unless, of course, one is on a sports scholarship. Since many colleges earn handsome incomes from sports, recruiters have the unique ability to turn a deaf ear to intelligent conversation when interviewing athletes. As always, the bottom line rules. A college degree doesn't assure that one will speak any more intelligently but it usually means that more economic doors and opportunities are opened.

Probably one of my biggest peeves is the mispronunciation of three words. As a real estate broker, it always amuses me when I hear the word "Realtor" pronounced "Real-a-tor." Another irritation is when I hear the word jewelry pronounced "jew-ler-ry." And finally, one of the reasons I always thought former president Georgie "Dubya" Bush was an idiot wah his repeated mispronunciation of the word "nuclear." One would think that, among his many learned advisors, some one would take him aside and say, "Dubya, it's "nuclear", not "newk-kew-ler."

So, dat's my thots four tuday. Dis blog wuz hard to rite and I even used spel chek. Duz anybody no wat all dat yellow shit be?

The News As I See It: The governor of Hawaii is attempting to release Barack Obozo's birth certificate. The White House has not commented on the subject but insiders say that Obozo is more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Madame Tussauds' wax museum in Washington, D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is very lifelike. In fact, Biden spent an hour telling it about his weekend.

The Pilgrims landed in America in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino.

Last week, there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life.

This Date In History: 1170; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.

1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.

1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a strange day, thus strange pictures. Some adages, however, were clearly proven true when Smokey the Bear was photographed by the pooparazzi during an untimely, private moment.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Years ago, I fondly recall when our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7. 2) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. 3) I met a a multi-millionaire yesterday. He made all of his money designing the little diagrams that tell you which way to put batteries in. 4) We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid until she closed her curtains. 5) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Joann. Happy Birthday my love 19XX, Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876.

William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1959, Jude Law, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

One morning, a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy said, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cabbie said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" The nun says, "Okay, pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. The Nun says "My dear child, why are you crying?" The cabbie says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Lawrence and I'm going to a Halloween party."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest replies, "Just water, officer." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A group of friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacMurphy, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars !

That's it for today my little grasshoppers. Remember, Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Dat's zackly how I feels about dem guys who mess with the language no matter what it is. Fluster-ates me. I think the only word dem athleets git rite is 'Aunt' I always got it wrong by calling them 'Ants'.

Our local college at home needed more financing, so they are starting a sports department with a couple teams, baskit ball and football. Money is rolling in, the heck with education.

Sorry this don't make sense, but I just arrived here in central Florida to find all y'all been lying to keep us out. It is 70+ and the sun was shining when we arrived. NOT FREEZING as I have been hearing. hahaha!

Rose said...

Jack said it loud and clear about dem people! LOL

We should all get together now that he is in Florida some where?


Paula said...

I love the beautiful owl picture at the top.

Myra said...

Then there's axe..."let me axe you a question"...ARGH!!

REGINA said...

oh jimmy my are so CAN become a mcdonald's manager using street language. i avoid the mcdonald's in locust grove, ga, mainly due to i cannot understand a word they say. but one thing is true...if you want to see a guy's underwear or his crack, you can do so by visiting the locust grove, ga mcdonald's.

i many not comment often jimmy, but i can't make it through the week without reading your blog entries......keep 'em coming.


REGINA said...

oops, all this here slang talk got my computer all crazy and i typed "many" instead of "may" in my last sorry....


Ally Lifewithally said...

Loved this one Jimmy ~ here in the UK we have so many dialects sometimes it is difficult tbotatico understand your Neighbour ~ Ally x

Pudge450 said...

I agree with you.... except.... I live in Saints country. Who Dat (?)
sounds like perfect english to me!

Pudge450 said...

By the way, did you know Jimmy Carter also said nu-cu-ler?

Julie said...

Great post as usual loved the jokes

Linda's World said...

"Huked on fonics wrkd fer me"

Good entry...I think part of Prez Bush's problem was~he was from Texas. They pronounce words different than the rest of us...almost like a different country in some cases. I have friends who work(ed) in the Human Resource dept at the hospital. They told stories about young folks showing up for job interviews with bolts, etc stuck thru their ear lobes, lips & noses. Talking like they were street hoods and ticked off because the couldn't get a job even in the cafeteria running the dishwashing machine. I axe you that the way to get a job? Duh ?!?
Sunny & very cold here in western Washington today.

Joann said...

Awwww, Jimmy.... you gave me love on your blog!!! Thank you so much for the shout out, Love!! You're such a sweetheart!!!

Joann said...

I usually turn on my own playlist when I'm working around the house, cooking dinner, etc. Today, I listened to YOURS.... you've recently updated it with some fantastic new tunes!!! GOOD JOB, JIMMY!!! Love it!!!

BTW, one of MY English language pet peeves.... is when people used 'would of' instead of 'would've'... just something I always notice. = )

Love you much!! Happy New Year!!! Remember to TAKE IT TEASY, tonight!!! LOL!!!